109 Actually Funny Clean Jokes for Any Situation

Antibiotics and insulin aside, laughter is the best medicine. However, while many of us have repertoires chock-full of raunchy jokes perfect for cracking up our college pals, there are numerous times when a more delicate, clean joke is needed—like when you're trying to impress at a job interview or elicit a laugh from your grandma. And while there's certainly a place in every amateur comedian's routine for a few groaners—we're looking at you, dad jokes—genuinely funnyclean jokes manage to walk that delicate line between staying on the right side of PG and making you laugh. The next time you've got an all-ages audience to impress, give some of these 100+ funny jokes a go.

RELATED: 220 Jokes for Kids That Provide Good, Clean Fun.

Clean Jokes for Work

Best Life

1. People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why.
2. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"
3. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NEEEEYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW!
4. What building in New York has the most stories? The public library.
5. Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
6. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
7. What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.
8. How does a farmer mend his overalls? With cabbage patches.
9. I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
10. Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.
11. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
12. What did the big flower say to the little flower? "Hi bud!"
13. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
14. Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
15. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
16. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
17. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

RELATED: 152 Funny Short Jokes That Guarantee a Laugh.

Squeaky Clean Jokes for Kids

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18. Want to hear a roof joke? The first one's on the house.
19. What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
20. I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
21. Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
22. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
23. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C.”
24. Why can you never gossip in a cornfield? Too many ears.
25. Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
26. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
27. It's always windy in a sports arena. All those fans.
28. Why should you never trust stairs? They're always up to something.
29. How do mountains stay warm in the winter? Snowcaps.
30. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks? A roamin' Catholic.
31. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants.
32. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
33. What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course.

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Short Clean Jokes

Best Life

34. What bow can't be tied? A rainbow.
35. Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
36. I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist.
37. What did 0 say to 8? "Nice belt."
38. How do billboards talk? Sign language.
39. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
40. What's the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.
41. What's a balloon's least favorite type of music? Pop.
42. What does a house wear? Address.
43. Can February March? No, but April May.
44. What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
45. What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics.

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Cool Clean Animal Jokes

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46. Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't have the right koalafications.
47. A group of crows was arrested for hanging out together. The charge? Attempted murder.
48. What time does a duck wake up? The quack of dawn.
49. Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.
50. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
51. What do you call a parade of rabbits marching backward? A receding hare line.
52. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
53. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
54. What did the frustrated cat say? "Are you kitten me right meow?"
55. Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
56. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.
57. Why was the teddy bear not hungry? Because he was already stuffed.
58. Why do bees have such sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
59. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
60. Why do spiders make such great baseball players? Because they catch flies.
61. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
62. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
63. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button.
64. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
65. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
66. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

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Long Clean Jokes

Best Life

67. Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole's Law? No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.
68. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
69. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
70. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!" The other cow replies, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."
71. I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. "Hardbacks?" asked the shopkeeper."Yes," I replied. "And they have little heads, too."
72. A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve'?"
73. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a purebread dog.
74. You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
75. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
76. A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
77. I couldn't believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
78. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
79. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

Them: Mickey Mouse.

You: What duck walks on two feet?

Them: Donald Duck.

You: No, all ducks do!

RELATED: 100 Corny Jokes You Can't Help But Laugh At.

Clean Jokes About Food

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80. A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."
81. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance? The Meat Ball.
82. Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
83. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, man! Breathe!"
84. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
85. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de-Brie.
86. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? They're both red except for the green one.
87. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.
88. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
89. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
90. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.

RELATED: 157 Funny Knock-Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up.

Clean Knock-Knock Jokes

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91. Knock, knock. Who's There? To. To who? It's actually "to whom."
92. Knock, knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!
93. Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c–MOO!
94. Knock, knock. Who's there? Beets. Beets who? Beets me!
95. Knock, knock. Who's there? Who. Who who? What are you, an owl?
96. Knock, knock. Who's there? Leash. Leash who? Leash you could do is answer the doorbell!
97. Knock, knock. Who's there? Adam. Adam who? Adam my way, I'm coming in!
98. Knock, knock. Who's there? Lena. Lena who? Lena little closer and I'll tell you!
99. Knock, knock. Who's there? Theodore. Theodore who? Theodore wasn't open so I knocked!
100. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.

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Gross But Clean Jokes

Best Life

101. What did one toilet say to the other? "You look flushed."
102. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
103. What's sticky and brown? A stick.
104. I used to be addicted to not showering. Luckily, I've been clean for five years.
105. What does the world's top dentist get? A little plaque.
106. What did the nose say to the finger? "Quit picking on me."
107. A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
108. Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, "Wow, it's pretty hot in here." The other one shouted, "Wow, a talking muffin!"
109. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.