There are two types of people in the world. Those who love dirty jokes, and those who are lying.
Oh come on, you can admit it. Not all jokes need to be family friendly and G-rated. Some of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud gags are so jaw-droppingly filthy that you’d feel a little weird even sharing them with a consenting adult at a bar after midnight. But share them we must, because there’s something about repeating dirty jokes that makes us feel more alive. It’s the same adrenaline rush you get from riding a roller coaster. You scream with terror even though you know you’re perfectly safe. It’s the same with great dirty jokes. Really great dirty jokes. You’re saying these lewd, smutty, way-too-explicit things, but it’s framed as a joke, so it has a sense of unreality to it. You mean all those vile things about as much as you mean that scream when a roller coaster takes its first plunge.
Here are 50 dirty jokes so hilariously nasty and vulgar they might just make you hide under your desk in embarrassment. And for more side-splitters, see the 70 Jokes So Corny They’ll Leave You in Stitches.
1. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
2. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
3. What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
A PDF file.
4. Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
5. Bad news from the doctor
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
6. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
7. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
8. Dentist Problems
An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ”I think you have the wrong room.”
”You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
9. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B-shells.
And for more easy laughs, check out the 50 Puns So Bad They’re Actually Funny.
10. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he’s standing next your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
11. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
12. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
13. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
14. What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
15. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
16. How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
17. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
18. What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
19. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
20. What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?
21. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
22. What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?
23. How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
24. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
25. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
26. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
27. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
28. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam.
29. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
30. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
31. What’s long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit The Frog’s fingers.
32. Why is diarrhea hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
33. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
34. The story of the well-hung bug.
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”
“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
35. A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, “What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?”
36. Dirty jokes from a dirty penguin
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.
When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”
37. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
38. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
39. Men who breastfeed.
Ladies, it is amazing how you do that, with a beverage coming out of your nipple, did you know that? Guys, we can’t do it. Because if we could, we’d spend the whole time squirting each other. (Credit: Dave Attell.)
40. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?
A white Christmas.
41. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
42. Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because they won’t stop to ask directions.
43. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
44. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
45. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
46. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
47. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?
48. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
49. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
50. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
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