A bad joke is just a bad joke, but sometimes a joke is so jaw-droppingly stupid that it transcends its own awfulness and reaches a higher plane of funny. You don’t want to laugh—every self-respecting part of your brain is rejecting the guffawing impulse—but you can’t help yourself.
Now, it’s been a long year of bad news, so let’s all take a much needed reprieve and enjoy (or cringe in horror at) some jokes terrible enough to be funny. Call them “dad jokes” if you must, but it’s not just dads who love a good groaner. And for more horrible phrases—albeit ones you should avoid—be sure to brush up on the 40 Things Men Over 40 Should Never Say.
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
And for more great trivia, here are 15 words from the 90s no one uses anymore.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed his space.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
Speaking of food, here are 40 Dishes Everyone Over 40 Should Master.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
If you’re not getting enough sleep, here’s the Sleep Secret Cure Everyone’s Talking About.
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!
It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
For more on fatherhood, here are 11 leading men who happily embraced fatherhood later in life.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it’s only mild.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A blue bucket painted red.
What don’t ants get sick?
They have anty-bodies.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Why do you smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s actually ajar.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion…
…and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree?
A pool table.
A communist joke isn’t funny…
… unless everyone gets it.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I don’t think it’s fair to make a judgement like that in less than a minute.
What happens to pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
I’m thinking about removing my spine.
I feel like it’s only holding me back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m terrified of elevators…
… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes?
Probably not, they haven’t had a gig yet.
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I used to hate facial hair…
… but then it grew on me.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
I watched hockey before it was cool.
They were basically swimming.
There’s no hole in your shoe?
Then how’d you get your foot in it?
A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property.
But when he rounded them up, he had 50.
When the two rabbit ears got married, it was a nice ceremony.
But the reception was amazing.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was too tired.
A chicken coup only has two doors.
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”
Why don’t crabs donate?
Because they’re shellfish.
What did Blackbird say when he turned eighty?
How does your feline shop?
By reading a catalogue.
It’s hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor.
They take things so literally.
Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet?
It doesn’t matter. They’re all eggcellent.
Don’t worry if you miss a gym session.
Everything will work out.
Ever tried to eat a clock?
Who can jump higher than a house?
Pretty much anyone. (Houses can’t jump.)
What do an apple and an orange have in common?
Neither one can drive.
Why did the businessman invest in Smith & Wollensky?
He wanted to stake his claim.
Five guys walk into a bar.
You think one of them would’ve seen it.
What do you a call a door when it’s not a door?
This sweet ride has four wheels and flies. It’s…
A garbage truck.
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?
I want to go camping every year.
That trip was so in tents.
Wait, you don’t want to hear a joke about potassium?
How do you organize a space-themed hurrah?
That’s the punchline.
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