120 Dirty Jokes So Racy, You'll Want to Cover Your Eyes

There are two types of people in the world: those who love dirty jokes and those who say they don't but are lying. But don't worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of humor here, whether you like a good old-fashioned dad joke or a cover-your-eyes sex joke. As far as we're concerned, there's no shame in laughing at an R-rated joke or sharing it with your friends. As it happens, some of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are adult dirty jokes. So read on for the filthiest, funniest gags we've ever heard.

RELATED: Dirty Knock-Knock Jokes That Definitely Aren't for Kids.

Jump Ahead

• Dirty Jokes for Her
• Dirty Jokes for Him
• Dirty Dad Jokes
• Short Dirty Jokes
• Sex Jokes for Adults Only
• Extra Dirty Jokes
• Dirty Jokes From Celebrities
• Hilarious Bathroom Humor

Dirty Jokes for Her

Best Life

1. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
2. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
3. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man.
4. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
5. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
6. A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband, and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means." The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."
7. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
8. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
9. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.
10. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
11. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
12. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
13. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"
14. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
15. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.
16. What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."
17. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

Dirty Jokes for Him

Best Life

18. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
19. My neighbor is mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
20. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.
21. Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.
22. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
23. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
24. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
25. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
26. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.
27. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "It's just ice cream."
28. Life is like a penis: Sometimes hard for no reason.
29. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
30. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
31. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

Dirty Dad Jokes

Best Life

32. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
33. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
34. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
35. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I'd rather fork.
36. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
37. What did the O say to the Q? "Dude, your dick's hanging out."
38. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
39. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
40. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
41. Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
42. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!"
43. Why did Jesus die a virgin? Every single "wound" he touched closed up.
44. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
45. Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction.
46. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "It's not what it looks like."
47. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
48. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
49. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

Short Dirty Jokes

Best Life

50. What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."
51. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
52. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
53. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
54. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
55. Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. From, Pluto.
56. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
57. What does a robot do after a one-night stand? Nuts and bolts.
58. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
59. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.
60. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
61. What type of bird gives the best head? A swallow.
62. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.
63. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed."
64. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
65. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
66. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

Sex Jokes for Adults Only

Best Life

67. How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her.
68. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
69. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
70. What's the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
71. The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow's the one to prevent it.
72. A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."
73. What did one of the sex worker's knees say to the other? "How come we spend so little time together?"
74. A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, arguing which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
75. A vagina is like the weather. Once it's wet, it's time to go inside.
76. Why are women so bad at carpentry? Holds hand in the air with fingers about four inches apart. Because men keep telling them this is eight inches.
77. How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.
78. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
79. What did the penis say to the vagina? "Don't make me come in there!"
80. What's the best part about sex with a hundred 20-year-olds? There are a hundred of them.
81. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
82. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes!"
83. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Extra Dirty Jokes

Best Life

84. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
85. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
86. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
87. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
88. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
89. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
90. What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it.
91. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
92. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
93. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.
94. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.
95. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
96. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
97. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
98. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.

RELATED: 200 Best Yo Mama Jokes of All Time.

Dirty Jokes From Celebrities

Best Life

99. "A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'" — Gary Delaney
100. "I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup–just happy to be there." — Russell Howard
101. "I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." — John Waters
102. “I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me.” — Tallulah Bankhead
103. "My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I have a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike." — Jimmy Carr
104. "You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterward." — Sara Pascoe
105. "Sick and perverted always appeals to me." — Madonna
106. “It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” ― Marilyn Monroe
107. "Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life." — Ayn Rand
108. "Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble." — John Barrymore

Hilarious Bathroom Humor

Best Life

109. What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? "Together, we can stop this crap."
110. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
111. How are men like diapers? They're usually full of sh*t, but thankfully disposable.
112. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with paper and a pencil.
113. How do you make coffee in a toilet? With a plunger.
114. How is a boyfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the sh*t out of you.
115. Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in the crack.
116. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
117. Why was the old toilet always flushed? Everyone kept yanking his chain.
118. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking sh*t from someone.
119. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
120. What do you sing after your girlfriend clogs up the toilet? "Mop In The Name Of Love"