100+ Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh
"My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother."
Did that joke make you grimace or recoil in horror? Or did you laugh out loud even though you know you probably shouldn't have? If so, then it was probably a horrific joke that some would categorize as "dark humor"—and it's not for everyone, obviously. But if twisted and macabre dark jokes make you giggle, take a look at these 107 hilarious dark jokes. You might just catch yourself guffawing, despite the gruesome subject matter.
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The Best Dark Humor Jokes
- My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
- I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
- As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
- The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
- A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
- My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
- When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
- How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
- My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
- They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
- "What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
- I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in.
- I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
- What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
- Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
- Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
- I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
- Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
- I'll never forget my granddad's last words to me just before he died: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
- I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.
- Today I made a decision to visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I passed her a glue stick accidentally instead. She still isn't talking to me.
- A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
- Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
- It turns out that a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
- "I work with animals," a guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he replies.
- Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
- Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Dark Jokes About Deadbeat Dads
- I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
- What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
- What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks, Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
- Why do some kids only experience 363 days per year? Because they don't have a Father's Day.
- Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your dad.
- Why do so many kids love boomerangs? Because they always come back.
- Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
- Dad: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Child: "But why?" Dad: "Because you're going to need them there."
- Why do some kids have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
- What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad? The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
- I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.
- What does my dad have in common with Nemo? Neither one of them can be found.
- I wasn't close to my father when he died, which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
- My dad wasn't absent, he was just fathering remotely
- What do you call a priest who grew up as an orphan? Father Les.
- I miss all those "absent father" jokes people used to make. When are they coming back?
- Do you know the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
- What do a hardware store and a deadbeat dad have in common? Screws, nuts, and bolts.
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Morbid Dark Jokes
- Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
- My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
- A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
- What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
- Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
- I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
- I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
- "Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
- I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
- When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
- It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my good friends would still be alive.
- What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
- Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
- I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
- I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99 percent of you will never get it.
- What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.
- My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
- Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
- Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
- My kid, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, asking, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!"
- What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
- What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running but can't remember where.
- My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
- What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
- "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
- If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
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More Dark Humor Jokes
- The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
- Today, I asked my phone "Alexa, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
- Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
- Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
- What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
- A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
- I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding 32 old guys.
- You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
- What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
- My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
- Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
- Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
- I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
- My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
- Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
- I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
- The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
- "Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
- "I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
- I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
- My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
- When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
- A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
- My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
- I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
- Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
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What Do I Have Such a Dark Sense of Humor?
If you find yourself laughing at all things grim and gruesome, it could be a sign that you're smarter than the average person.
It's true, and it's been proven by science. A 2017 study by Austrian neurologists published in Cognitive Processing found that people with a dark sense of humor, which they define as anything that "treats sinister subjects like death, disease, deformity, handicap, or warfare with bitter amusement," may actually have higher IQs than those who don't.
What's more, these individuals are less negative and aggressive than people who strictly prefer G-rated family-friendly jokes. Why? Because if you can see the humor in even the bleakest parts of life, and you can laugh at truly dark jokes, you're less likely to take the world too seriously.
And researchers would really emphasize that last bit. According to other experts in the field, using dark humor is often—if not always—a coping mechanism used to help us process the more difficult parts of life.
Peter McGraw, Professor of Marketing at the University of Colorado Boulder and founder of the Humor Research Lab, told Gizmodo, "Tragedies, calamities, pandemics—these are all great fodder for jokes because they already satisfy half the requirement: the wrong, the threat, the violation."
He refers to any renewed interest in dark humor after a personal hardship as a "thermostat approach" to grieving. "You're using a joke to change the temperature in the room," he explains.
He's also even got a term for when we start to move forward in the framework. He calls it the "thermometer approach," or any attempt to demonstrate that we have successfully coped and are ready to move on. And yes, you can bet that message will come in the form of a dark and dour joke.
That's it for our list of dark jokes, but be sure to check back in with us soon for more fun! You can also sign up for our newsletter to enjoy similar kinds of content, as well as hit pieces on health, entertainment, and travel.