40 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh
"What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler."
Did that joke make you grimace or recoil in horror? Or did you laugh out loud even though you know you probably shouldn’t? It’s a horrific joke that some would categorize as “dark humor,” and it’s not for everyone, obviously. But if twisted and macabre dark jokes make you giggle, it could be a sign that you’re smarter than the average person.
It’s true, and it’s been proven by science. In a 2017 study by Austrian neurologists, they found that people who appreciate dark jokes, which they define as “humor that treats sinister subjects like death, disease, deformity, handicap or warfare with bitter amusement,” may actually have higher IQs. What’s more, they’re less negative and aggressive than people who strictly prefer G-rated family-friendly jokes. Why? Because if you can see the humor in even the bleakest parts of life, and you can laugh at truly dark jokes, you’re less likely to take the world too seriously.
Want to find out if you’re a happy-go-lucky genius? Take a look at these 40 dark jokes, and if you catch yourself guffawing despite the gruesome subject matter, you may just be the kindest, most intelligent person you know.
40 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh:
1. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
2. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
3. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
4. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
5. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
6. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
1. “I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient.
“Give me the good news first,” the patient said.
“Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.”
“That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
8. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
9. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
10. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
11. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”
“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence, and then a gunshot.
The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
12. I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
13. “Oh daddy,” the kid said. “I love you so much!”
“Hey,” the man responded. “Until we get the DNA test results, I’m just Harry to you!”
14. What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
15. My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
“Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.
16. What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
17. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
18. I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo.
Then it would cut itself.
19. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
20. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
21. “Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?”
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
22. If at first you don’t succeed…
Then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
(credit: Steven Wright)
23. I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
24. What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children.
25. What is black and sticks to a tree?
A peeping tom after a forest fire.
26. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
27. What gift did the kid with no hands get for his birthday?
No idea. He hasn’t figured out how to open it yet.
28. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
29. What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
30. I hate double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
31. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.
The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.”
The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
32. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”
“I’m a butcher,” he says.
33. Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
There was a face off in the corner.
34. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.
And I lost my job as a bus driver!
35. Where does a girl with one leg work?
36. Why are orphans unable to play baseball?
They’ve never known what home is.
37. It’s important to have a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.
38. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
39. “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” the patient asked.
“To the morgue,” the doctor replied.
“What?” The patient panicked. “But I’m not dead yet!”
“And we’re not there yet,” the doctor said.
40. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?