50 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh
"My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother."
Did that joke make you grimace or recoil in horror? Or did you laugh out loud even though you know you probably shouldn't have? If so, then it was probably a horrific joke that some would categorize as "dark humor"—and it's not for everyone, obviously. But if twisted and macabre dark jokes make you giggle, it could be a sign that you're smarter than the average person.
It's true, and it's been proven by science. A 2017 study by Austrian neurologists published in Cognitive Processing found that people who appreciate dark jokes, which they define as "humor that treats sinister subjects like death, disease, deformity, handicap, or warfare with bitter amusement," may actually have higher IQs than those who don't. What's more, they're less negative and aggressive than people who strictly prefer G-rated family-friendly jokes. Why? Because if you can see the humor in even the bleakest parts of life, and you can laugh at truly dark jokes, you're less likely to take the world too seriously.
Want to find out if you're also a happy-go-lucky genius? Take a look at these 50 hilarious dark jokes, and if you catch yourself guffawing despite the gruesome subject matter, you may just be the kindest, most intelligent person you know.
Funny Dark Jokes
- I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
- What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
- Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
- Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
- My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
- Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
- I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
- I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
- I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
- It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
- "I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
- Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
- Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
- "Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
- I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
- It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.
- What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
- Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
- I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
- Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
- I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Really Dark Jokes
- Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
- I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
- I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
- My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
- Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
- My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
- What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
- What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
- My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
- "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
- If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
The Best Dark Humor Jokes
- My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
- Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
- "Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
- "I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
- I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
- My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
- When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
- A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
- My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
- I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
- Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.