80 Funny Pirate Jokes That "Arrrgh" Total Hidden Treasures
These Jolly Roger jokes will have you and your first mate in stitches.
"Talk Like a Pirate Day" only comes around once a year (Sept. 19, to be exact.) But it's never a bad time to brush up on yer best pirate humor. To get ye old scalawags started, we've rounded up a list of funny pirate jokes that will have ye laughing yer booty off from here to the Caribbean. Just take a hook—ahem, look—yourself!
Cheesy Pirate Jokes
- Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
- Why did the pirate give up playing golf? Because he kept hooking the ball!
- Why was it so hard to call the pirate on the phone? Because he left it off the hook!
- Where's a pirate's favorite place to eat breakfast? IHOP!
- What do you call a pirate's hairstyle? A crew cut!
- Did you hear about those pirate ships that were by the Ottoman Empire and tried for thievery? Regrettably, all hands were lost!
- Did you hear about the famous pirate who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? His name was Robin Hook!
- What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned!
- Why does the pirate carry his sword? Because swords can't walk!
- What do you call a stupid pirate? The pillage idiot!
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck!
- Which Star Wars character do pirates like the most? Arrrrrgh-2-D2!
- What do pirates do on Black Friday? Shop the sails!
- How do pirates make their money? By hook or by crook!
- Why did the pirate have to go to the apple store? To get a new iPatch!
- Why did the pirate cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop!
- What print do pirates wear on their socks? Arrrrgghyle!
- What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs? A rookie!
- What shivers at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
- Which restaurant did the buccaneer go out to for dinner? Long John Silver's!
- What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye matey!"
Pirate Jokes About Drinking
- Where do pirates go for a drink? The sand bar!
- What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate? One has a rumbling tummy, and the other has a tumbling rummy!
- What do pirates say to motivate each other during a race? "Rum bottle, RUM!"
- What drink do pirates prefer even more than rum? Port!
- Why did the pirate finally decide to stop drinking? Because he'd rum out!
- A pirate walks into a bar and at that moment he realizes he is wearing his eyepatch on the wrong eye!
- What's a pirate's favorite type of music? Rum & Bass!
- Why do pirates love to be at sea? Because they are aqua-holics.
- How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk? A Galleon!
- Why does a pirate prefer to drink in a bar that serves rum, instead of gin? Because it has mo'lasses!
Pirate Booty Jokes
- What's a pirate's favorite movie? Booty and the Beast!
- Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground? Because booty is only shin-deep!
- Why don't pirates go to strip clubs? Because they already have all the booty!
- How do pirates cover their booty? With plunderwear!
- What be a pirate's favorite body part? You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
- Why did the pirate wear camouflage underwear? To hide his booty!
- Why do pirate ships go so fast? Because they're hauling booty!
- The pirate accidentally butt-dialed his ex last night. He swears it was the only booty call he's ever made!
- Why did the kid pirate get kicked out of class? Because he wouldn't stop talking about his booty!
- Why are pirates never cremated when they die? Because they always bury their booty!
- Why did the pirate get a gym membership? So he could improve his booty and his chest!
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Pirate Pick-Up Lines
- Yo ho ho! I've got a bottle of rum and a penchant for making drunken mistakes!
- I'd swab your deck any day!
- Wanna come back to my home port and see my dock?
- Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber!
- Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, I be about to plunder ye Treasure Island.
- Do yar mind if the parrot watches?
- Arrrrrrrrre ye free tonight?
- How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
- Come on up and see me urchins!
- I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest!
- Let's head back to me ship and rock the boat!
- Aye got a bad case of scurvy and yer grapefruits be the only cure.
- Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
Pirate Dad Jokes
- What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved!
- How do pirates prefer to communicate? Aye to aye!
- Why couldn't the pirate crew play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck!
- How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? An arm and a leg!
- What's a pirate's favorite type of exercise? The plank!
- A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign." The pirate replies, "No, no doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here!"
- What do you call a pirate who skips class? Captain Hooky!
- What kind of grades does a pirate get in school? High seas!
- What did the pirate wear on Halloween? A pumpkin patch!
- Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrr!
- What's the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer? A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries!
- Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!
- Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they'll just wash up on shore later!
- What did one pirate say to another during a game of hide-and-seek? "I sea you!"
- What was the pirate's favorite subject in school? Arrrrrr-t!
- What was the name of the most frugal pirate? Barry D. Treasure!
- What did the first mate send down the toilet? The Captain's log!
- What does a vegan pirate do in jail? St-arrrrr-ve!
- What's a pirate's favorite kind of fish? A swordfish!
- Why was the pirate ship so cheap? It was on sail!
- How do you make a pirate furious? Take away the "p!"
- How do you save a dying pirate? You give him CPARRRRR!
- What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer? "Shiver me timbers!"
- How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck-an-ear!
That's it for our list of pirate jokes, but be sure to check back with us soon for even more laughs. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on what's next!