75 Inappropriate Jokes That Will Make You Both Laugh and Cringe
We promise you'll crack a smile. We can't promise you won't feel guilty about it.
It's been said that analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies because of it. So we won't delve too deeply into why we love inappropriate jokes so much—you know, the kind of humor that we commonly call "NSFW."
Speaking of work and other potential pain points, that may be a large part of why we crave the non-family-friendly jokes that make us cringe as much as laugh. Research, including a 2016 study published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, has shown that laughter doesn't just make us feel good, it may also increase our body's ability to fight pain, decrease stress, and even prevent disease. So here are 75 new dirty jokes to make you smile while you wince—which just might be the very thing your head and heart need right now.
Inappropriate Jokes for Adults
- My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.
- What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
- What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.
- What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
- What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
- A man walks into a doctor's office, sits down, and says, "Now, doctor, this may sound kind of strange, but I have five penises." Taken aback, the doctor asks him, "My God, how do your pants fit?" To which the man replies, "Like a glove."
- What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed."
- What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"
- Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.
- What's a 6.9? Another great thing screwed up by a period.
- What did the elephant ask the naked man? "How do you breathe out of that thing?"
- What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.
- A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
- Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
- Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. But careless Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
- An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
- What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
- What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
- I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
- Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day, but push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
- A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
- What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
- If you're walking through the forest and stumble across a dead body, what's the first thing you should do? Check your map, because you're obviously going in circles.
Short Inappropriate Jokes
- Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels.
- What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
- Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto
- What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
- Sex is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap.
- Did you hear about the man who ran in front of a bus? He got tired.
- What does a horny frog say? "Rub it."
- What do women and noodles have in common? Both wiggle when you eat them.
- What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
- Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
- Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.
- My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
- I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
- Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
- What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
- What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.
- Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it.
- How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
- What does a vampire do with boiling water and a tampon? Make tea.
- How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? It isn't hard.
- What is Moby Dick's dad's name? "Papa Boner."
- Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
- How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
- What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together we can stop this sh*t."
- What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
- Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in a different box.
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
- What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
- How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
- Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.
RELATED: 109 Best Yo Mama Jokes of All Time.
Just Slightly Inappropriate Jokes
- What's brown and bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
- What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
- What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to clients as they're leaving? Thanks for coming!
- What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
- I'll never forget my grandma's last words: "What are you doing here with that hammer?"
- How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.
- They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
- A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
- Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
- Why don't witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
- "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it momentarily and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
- They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
- How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
- Want to know why they say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you eat that stuff, you're sure to eat anything.
- How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking sh*t from someone.
- A woman walks out of the produce section with bad news. She changed the cucumber into a pickle.
- Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
- My dad is exactly like Santa. I hear so many good things about him, but he only visits our home once a year, and I never even see him.
- A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
- Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.
- "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
- When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.
That's it for our list of inappropriate jokes, but be sure to check back in with us soon for more fun! You can also sign up for our newsletter to enjoy more humor, as well as the latest in wellness, entertainment, and travel.