67 Chuck Norris Jokes in Honor of America's Favorite Tough Guy

He's starred in films including Firewalker, Silent Rage, and Missing in Action. And we all loved his portrayal of Ranger Cordell Walker on the hit '90s CBS series Walker: Texas Ranger. He's been largely retired from acting for years, but Chuck Norris remains a pop culture icon, and what better way to celebrate that status than with your own genre of jokes? They first became popular in the '00s, and now, the internet is littered with Chuck Norris jokes, all celebrating the tough-guy persona the actor and martial artist wears so well. Of course, some quips are better than others, which is why we put together a list of our very favorites. Read on for some of the funniest Norris-related jokes ever written.

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How Did Chuck Norris Jokes Start?

Chuck Norris jokes first started popping up online back in 2005 across a few Something Awful forums. Some say the inspiration behind them was his tendency to end every encounter with a bad guy with a single roundhouse kick, others say it was talk show host Conan O'Brien's obsession with Walker: Texas Ranger that turned him into a meme. All we can say for sure is that these jokes have become internet gold, and they certainly aren't going away anytime soon.

The Best Chuck Norris Jokes Ever Told

1. Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31 straight to April 2… because nobody fools Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris skipped school one day. That day has forever since been known as Sunday.
3. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
4. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
5. When Chuck Norris walks through airport security, he makes them take off their shoes.
6. When Chuck Norris uses the internet he can skip ads whenever he wants; ads are not able to skip Chuck Norris.
7. When Chuck Norris looked into the abyss, the abyss looked the other way.
8. Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament with both arms tied behind his back.
9. There are no streets named after Chuck Norris because no one would ever cross Chuck Norris.
10. When Chuck Norris drops a sandwich, it keeps hanging in the air above the ground.
11. When Chuck Norris falls from a great height, the ground has its life flash before its eyes.
12. Somebody asked Chuck Norris how many push-ups he could do. Chuck Norris replied, "All of them."
13. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
14. The Flash discovered how to run at the speed of light when he discovered Chuck Norris was looking for him.
15. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. The problem is, he has never cried.
16. When Chuck Norris crosses the road, vehicles look both ways.
17. Chuck Norris' heartbeat sounds like the U.S. national anthem.
18. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
19. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
20. Chuck Norris didn't get a COVID-19 vaccine. COVID-19 got a Chuck Norris vaccine.
21. Burger King made their slogan "Have it your way" after Chuck Norris walked in and ordered a Big Mac.
22. Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper, scissors against his own reflection—and won.
23. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
24. When Chuck Norris enters a building that is on fire, the Chuck Norris alarm rings.
25. Chuck Norris hates ties, that's why when he wears a tie, it's not called a tie. It's called a win.

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The Best Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick Jokes

26. In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked nothing, and the universe was born.
27. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased by 13,000 percent.
28. Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a coal mine and turned it into a diamond mine.
29. The "roundhouse kick" name was born when Chuck Norris kicked around an entire house.
30. Chuck Norris appeared in the Street Fighter II video game but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Chuck Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
31. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
32. Chuck Norris doesn't strike gold, gold is the byproduct of Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking rocks.
33. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
34. Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the universe into existence. They called it The Big Bang.
35. Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked someone so hard that their ancestors felt it.
36. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
37. Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a horse in the chin. That is how the giraffe was discovered.
38. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

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Hilarious Chuck Norris One-Liners

39. Normal people tell ghost stories at the campfire; ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories.
40. The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.
41. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
42. Chuck Norris thinks, therefore the world is.
43. The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.
44. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
45. Chuck Norris' GPS never tells him to turn around.
46. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
47. Chuck Norris mines Bitcoin with a pen and paper.
48. When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape.
49. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
50. Mission: Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris's house.
51. Chuck Norris counted to infinity—three times.
52. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
53. When Chuck Norris tips the waiter, the waiter falls down.
54. Tornadoes are actually a result of Chuck Norris punching the wind.
55. When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.
56. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
57. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
58. When Chuck Norris' parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
59. Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.
60. Chuck Norris' trash throws itself out.
61. Bigfoot is still hiding because he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the mountains.
62. Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes, taxes pay Chuck Norris.
63. Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.
64. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
65. Chuck Norris eats his meat so rare, he only feasts on unicorns and dragons.
66. When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, the sky gets a scar.
67. The sun has to wear sunglasses when Chuck Norris glances at it.

FAQ

Was Chuck Norris a real Texas Ranger?

Chuck Norris played Ranger Cordell Walker on the CBS hit series Walker: Texas Ranger for a total of nine seasons. Though he is a trained martial artist, he was not an official ranger at the time. However, that changed in 2010 when Norris was named an honorary Texas Ranger by James R. Perry, the former governor of Texas.

How tough is Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris has made a career out of playing tough, uncompromising leads. He's starred alongside other actors who fall under the same umbrella, including Bruce Lee, Lee Marvin, and David Carradine. Before he began acting, Norris earned black belts in Karate, Tang Soo Do, Taekwondo, Judo, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. He's even created his own martial arts style known as Chun Kuk Do.

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of Chuck Norris jokes, but be sure to check back with us soon for more fun. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on what's coming next!