65 Puns So Bad They’re Actually Funny
These one-liners are so silly and stupid you can't help but love them.
The only thing better than a good pun (wait—is there such a thing?) is a really, really bad one. You know the kind we’re talking about, the one-liners so ridiculous and stupid that they make you wince, and you laugh even though your brain is shouting at you, “Come on! That’s an insult to both of us!”
Loving a groan-worthy pun isn’t a sign that you’re losing grip on sanity. Quite the opposite, in fact. Loving the wordplay of a pun could be an indicator that you have higher-than-average mental agility and are more attractive to potential mates, according to a 2011 study published in the journal Intelligence. It also means that you’re not suffering from a lot of social insecurity. As author John Pollack explains in his book The Pun Also Rises, people who hate puns also tend to be stick-in-the-mud fuddy-duddies. “If you have an approach to the world that is rules-based, driven by hierarchy and threatened by irreverence, then you’re not going to like puns,” he writes.
So let’s all take a break from the world and enjoy these 50 hand-selected puns that are guaranteed to make you groan, and then laugh, and maybe even forget all the insanity and jaw-clenching stress in the world, if only for a few minutes.
Hilarious puns to get your friends laughing along
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
- The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
- How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
- You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math…it’s easy as pi!
- My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
- What did the hamburger name it’s baby? Patty!
- Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!
- One lung said to another…we be-lung together!
- Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
- I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass!
- What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
- I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!
- What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!
- Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
- My girlfriend thought I’d never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
- Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
- What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!
- I just found out that I’m color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
- What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi!
- Whenever I undress in the bathroom… My shower gets turned on!
- I was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!”
- “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!“
- My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
- Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
- What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!
- Who is the penguin’s favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!
- I once met a pig that did karate…we called him Pork Chop!
- What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!
- Somebody stole all my lamps….and I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
- My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me…I think she’s just being clothes-minded!
- The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
- Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
- What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
Funny puns to tell on a whim
- I’m no cheetah…you’re lion!
- Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!
- Never date someone cross-eyed… You’ll always catch them seeing other people on the side!
- What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
- Time flies like an arrow… Fruit flies like a banana!
- How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
- Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!
- That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
- I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people… But none of them work!
- Every soccer player’s favorite beverage? Penal-tea!
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
- What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller!
- Why do eggs hate jokes? The answer cracks them up!
- I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer they came… And then it hit me!
- Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I!
- I’m glad I know sign language. It can come in pretty handy!
- Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
- Cactus puns are simply succulent.
- A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!
- I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
- Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door. He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
- My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
- Did you hear about the guy who had his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? He’s all right now!
- I became a vegetarian. Huge missed-steak!
- What should you call an average potato? A commen-tator!
- I bought some shoes on the drug black market…I don’t know what they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
- I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought… “That’s the last thing I need!”
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
- Bad puns…it’s how eye roll.
- Why did the grizzly hate this article? He can’t bear puns!
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