We've all experienced awkward moments of silence. They can happen anywhere, even in a gathering of old friends. There's a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. You want to save everyone with the perfect comment, but your mind is blank. But if you had a game plan—a fool-proof joke or just a one-liner that could instantly suck all the tension out of the room—why, you'd be a hero! You'd be the Chevy Chase circa the late-'70s of your social circle—the one who can be counted on to say the perfect thing at the perfect time. If you want that dream to become a reality, read on. We've collected 125 clever, silly, and funny one-liners for you to keep in your back pocket for just such an occasion.
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The Funniest One-Liners About Yourself
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- I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
- I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.
- I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
- I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I was addicted to the hokey pokey but thankfully, I turned myself around.
- I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
- This is my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder.
- I have all the money I'll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
- When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
- My math teacher called me average. How mean!
- I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
- My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
- Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
- I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch.
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One-Line Jokes About Dating
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- I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
- Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
- We may not be socks, but I know we'd make a great pair.
- Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentine's Day. Feb. 14.
- When I heard that oxygen and magnesium were dating I was like OMg.
- Did you hear about the notebook that married the pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
- I've been on three dates with a guy who works at a zoo. I think he's a keeper.
- I was told never to date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
- Never date an apostrophe. They can be a little possessive.
- At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant, but we had to break up. She couldn't stomach my cheesy jokes.
- You shouldn't kiss anyone on Jan. 1, because it's only the first date.
- My friend set me up on a blind date, and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
- My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me. I've got some big shoes to fill.
- I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. I guess we aren't going to work out.
- I told my son, if you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing: they are just big raisins.
- If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your FedEx.
- My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I Schwepped her off her feet.
RELATED: 100 Funny Quotes About Work, Family, & Getting Old.
Dirty One-Liners
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- I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
- My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved, you know what that means? I said, "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
- Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
- Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.
- I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time.
- Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100 percent off.
- Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg you can actually hear them say "what the f*ck are you doing?"
- I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
- Weddings are an expensive way to let your entire family know you are getting laid that night.
- I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep, which is the ultimate rejection.
- The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.
- Me: "Remember when I rubbed you out?" Genie: "Don't say it like that..."
- Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.
- It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather's Viagra addiction, and grandma is taking it particularly hard.
- Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance but the short story is, my girlfriend said no.
- He called it a cheap circumcision, but we just call it a rip-off.
- They say Santa only comes once a year, which is probably why he doesn't have any kids.
RELATED: 95 Dirty Jokes So Racy, You'll Want to Cover Your Eyes.
More Funny One-Liners for Friends
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- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
- If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, get out. We don't want your type here."
- Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.
- Parallel lines have so much in common, but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
- It's impossible to joke around with a kleptomaniac. They always take things literally.
- Why aren't dogs good dancers, you ask? Because they've got two left feet.
- My friends didn't like their son's biology teacher. He had too many skeletons in his closet.
- We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
- The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
- You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
- Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock-climbing catastrophe.
- There was a kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground. It was a knot-for-profit.
- A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
RELATED: 209 Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Hilarious.
One-Liner Jokes About Animals
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- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- A fish swam into a concrete wall. Dam!
- I saw a parade of rabbits hopping backward. It was crazy, I'd never seen a receding hare line like that.
- I saw a bear with no teeth the other day. His friends kept calling him Gummy Bear.
- Did you see that illegally parked frog get toad away?
- There's a veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs. It's part of an anti-litter campaign.
- I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4.
- Do you think Noah included termites on the ark?
- Lab reports are always my dog's favorite homework assignment.
- Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
- I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he has a job?"
- Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
- It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and interrupt his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
- My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
- I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
- The teddy bear had to say no to dessert. He was already stuffed.
- My friend asked, "Why don't cats play poker in the jungle anymore?" I told him it was because there were too many cheetahs.
- Life's like a bird. It's pretty cute until it poops on your head.
- I threw a ball for my dog. Sure, it was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
RELATED: 140 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh.
The Best One-Line Jokes
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- It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
- Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
- The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar, and then things got a little tense.
- There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant, so I decided not to take sides.
- I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… But the kids still get in.
- What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…'"A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this…"
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet?
- The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- You'll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
- No one should have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
- A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.
- You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
- Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Wrapping Up
That's it for our list of funny one-liners, but be sure to check back in with us soon for more fun!