100 Funny Quotes About Work, Family, & Getting Old

Funny Quotes About Life

1. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
2. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” — Oscar Wilde
3. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres
4. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
5. “A woman is like a tea bag—you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
6. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” — Abraham Lincoln
7. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ― Mindy Kaling
8. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andy Rooney
9. "You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music." — Jim Carrey
10. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." — Mark Twain
11. “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” — Malcolm Forbes
12. "Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile." — Billy Sunday
13. ​​"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe." ― Albert Einstein

Short Funny Quotes

14. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.” — Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley in Dr. Strangelove
15. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne
16. “Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” — Steve Martin
17. “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” — Don Herold
18. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." — Jerry Seinfeld
19. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
20. "Say what you have to say in the fewest possible words." — Arthur Bryant
21. "I'm addicted to placebos." — Steven Wright
22. “The only time I set the bar low is for limbo” — Steve Carell as Michael Scott in The Office
23. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
24. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” — Rita Mae Brown

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Funny Quotes About Marriage & Relationships

25. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
26. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
27. “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn
28. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
29. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito
30. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey
31. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” — Eddie Cantor
32. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” — Mae West
33. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Mia Farrow as Halley Reed in Crimes and Misdemeanors
34. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
35. “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” — Melanie White

The Best Funny Quotes About Family

36. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey
37. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” — Bob Hope
38. “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” — Wayne Huizenga
39. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
40. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. " — George Burns
41. “Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster, too.” — John Ruskin
42. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan
43. “Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.” — Pamela Brown
44. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” — Ogden Nash
45. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin
46. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck

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Funny Quotes for Friends

47. “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
48. “A good friend will always stab you in the front.” — Oscar Wilde
49. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you." — Rita Mae Brown
50. “A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same.” — Elbert Hubbard
51. “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” — Marlene Dietrich
52. “I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” — Jane Austen
53. “Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable.” — Jean de La Fontaine
54. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov
55. “All you need to do to be my friend is like me.” — Taylor Swift
56. “There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” — Sylvia Plath

Clever Quotes About Society

57. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” — Mark Twain
58. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” — David Letterman
59. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Steve Carell as Michael Scott in The Office
60. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde." — Dolly Parton
61. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin
62. “I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.” — Winston Churchill
63. "Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap." — Barbara Jordan
64. “Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” — Charles Sykes
65. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” — Stephen Colbert
66. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” — James Branch Cabell

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Funny Sayings About Aging

67. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Norman Wisdom
68. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers
69. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” — Bob Hope
70. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball
71. “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
72. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. " — Unknown
73. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Betty White as Rose from The Golden Girls
74. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

Funny Quotes About Work

75. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” — W.C. Fields
76. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” — Mark Twain
77. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
78. "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." — George Carlin
79. "I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one." — Clarence Darrow
80. "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." — John Gotti
81. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
82. “No man goes before his time—unless his boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx

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Hilarious Quotes About Food

83. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’” — Yogi Berra
84. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." — Benjamin Franklin
85. "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it." — Buddy Hackett
86. "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake." — Mitch Hedberg
87. "Instead of past, present and future, I'd prefer chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry." — Ashleigh Brilliant
88. "A party without cake is really just a meeting." — Julia Child
89. "Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." — Orson Welles
90. "He was a bold man that first ate an oyster." — Jonathan Swift
91. "Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands—and then eat just one of the pieces." — Judith Viorst

Funny Quotes About Money

92. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." — Joan Rivers
93. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” — W.C. Fields
94. “They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” — Joseph Addison
95. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” — Malcolm Forbes
96. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." — Oprah Winfrey
97. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” — Gertrude Stein
98. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” — Jackie Mason
99. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." — Samuel L. Jackson
100. “Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker

Wrapping Up

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