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100 Funny Quotes About Work, Family, & Getting Old

You can always use these funny quotes to lighten the mood or secure a good laugh.

Ever looking to lighten the mood? Maybe even break the tension with a witty phrase or saying? If so, look to the funny quotes listed below. These lines are sure to provide a good laugh, no matter what's being discussed. Provided by names you'll absolutely recognize, these remarks run the gamut of our experiences—from finances to friendship, parenting to partnerships, and so much more.

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Funny Quotes About Life

happy woman jumping against a a red wall
Shutterstock / Kite_rin
  1. "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" — Robin Williams
  2. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." — Oscar Wilde
  3. "Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path." — Ellen DeGeneres
  4. "Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it." — Unknown
  5. "A woman is like a tea bag—you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." — Eleanor Roosevelt
  6. "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." — Abraham Lincoln
  7. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ― Mindy Kaling
  8. "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." — Andy Rooney
  9. "You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music." — Jim Carrey
  10. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." — Mark Twain
  11. "It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." — Malcolm Forbes
  12. "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile." — Billy Sunday
  13. ​​"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe." ― Albert Einstein

Short Funny Quotes

man smiling while reading funny quotes on his cell phone
Shutterstock / – Yuri A
  1. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room." — Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley in Dr. Strangelove
  2. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." — A.A. Milne
  3. "Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent." — Steve Martin
  4. "By the time someone says, 'To make a long story short,' it's too late." — Don Herold
  5. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." — Jerry Seinfeld
  6. "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." — Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
  7. "Say what you have to say in the fewest possible words." — Arthur Bryant
  8. "I'm addicted to placebos." — Steven Wright
  9. "The only time I set the bar low is for limbo" — Steve Carell as Michael Scott in The Office
  10. "Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer." — Ellen DeGeneres
  11. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." — Rita Mae Brown

READ THIS NEXT: 86 Inspirational Quotes to Keep You Motivated Today and Every Day.

Funny Quotes About Marriage & Relationships

older couple making a heart sign with their hands smiling at the camera
Shutterstock / fizkes
  1. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." — Phyllis Diller
  2. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell
  3. "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then." Katharine Hepburn
  4. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
  5. "I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." — Cameron Esposito
  6. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey
  7. "Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own." Eddie Cantor
  8. "Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." Mae West
  9. "My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look." — Mia Farrow as Halley Reed in Crimes and Misdemeanors
  10. "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" Groucho Marx
  11. "Remember, your Valentine's card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you're too lazy to put it in your own words." — Melanie White

The Best Funny Quotes About Family

overwhelmed father looking up funny quotes on his laptop while his young daughter climbs on his back
Shutterstock / Anna Kraynova
  1. "I'd like to have a kid, but I'm not sure I'm ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are." — Damien Fahey
  2. "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom." — Bob Hope
  3. "Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts." — Wayne Huizenga
  4. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." — Phyllis Diller
  5. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. " — George Burns
  6. "Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster, too." — John Ruskin
  7. "My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic." — Spike Milligan
  8. "Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five." — Pamela Brown
  9. "A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." — Ogden Nash
  10. "The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going." — George Carlin
  11. "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." — Erma Bombeck

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Funny Quotes for Friends

group of friends smiling for the camera
Shutterstock / Roman Samborskyi
  1. "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  2. "A good friend will always stab you in the front." Oscar Wilde
  3. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you." — Rita Mae Brown
  4. "A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same." Elbert Hubbard
  5. "It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter." Marlene Dietrich
  6. "I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal." Jane Austen
  7. "Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable." Jean de La Fontaine
  8. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." — Isaac Asimov
  9. "All you need to do to be my friend is like me." Taylor Swift
  10. "There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends." Sylvia Plath

Clever Quotes About Society

baby looks frightened as mother puts pot over her head
Shutterstock / Nomad_Soul
  1. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." — Mark Twain
  2. "Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve." — David Letterman
  3. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." — Steve Carell as Michael Scott in The Office
  4. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde." — Dolly Parton
  5. "I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." — Benjamin Franklin
  6. "I have never developed indigestion from eating my words." — Winston Churchill
  7. "Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap." — Barbara Jordan
  8. "Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could." — Charles Sykes
  9. "Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us." — Stephen Colbert
  10. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." — James Branch Cabell

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Funny Sayings About Aging

Funny older lady with pink hair looking at camera
Shutterstock / Olena Yakobchuk
  1. "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." — Norman Wisdom
  2. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." — Joan Rivers
  3. "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." — Bob Hope
  4. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." — Lucille Ball
  5. "Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." — Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
  6. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. " — Unknown
  7. "My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana." — Betty White as Rose from The Golden Girls
  8. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

Funny Quotes About Work

businessman on his computer with sticky notes over his eyes
Shutterstock / fizkes
  1. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it." — W.C. Fields
  2. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well." — Mark Twain
  3. "I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." — Bill Gates
  4. "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." — George Carlin
  5. "I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one." — Clarence Darrow
  6. "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." — John Gotti
  7. "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." — Les Dawson
  8. "No man goes before his time—unless his boss leaves early." — Groucho Marx

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Hilarious Quotes About Food

young couple eating burgers side by side
Shutterstock / WOSUNAN
  1. "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'" — Yogi Berra
  2. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." — Benjamin Franklin
  3. "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it." — Buddy Hackett
  4. "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake." — Mitch Hedberg
  5. "Instead of past, present and future, I'd prefer chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry." — Ashleigh Brilliant
  6. "A party without cake is really just a meeting." — Julia Child
  7. "Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." — Orson Welles
  8. "He was a bold man that first ate an oyster." — Jonathan Swift
  9. "Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands—and then eat just one of the pieces." — Judith Viorst

Funny Quotes About Money

man putting coins in a jar
Shutterstock / MintraTH
  1. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." — Joan Rivers
  2. "A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money." — W.C. Fields
  3. "They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." — Joseph Addison
  4. "I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died." — Malcolm Forbes
  5. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." — Oprah Winfrey
  6. "Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop." — Gertrude Stein
  7. "Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money." — Jackie Mason
  8. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." — Samuel L. Jackson
  9. "Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair." — Dorothy Parker

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of funny quotes, but be sure to check back with us soon! Best Life is committed to helping you find the right words, no matter the occasion. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out!

Carrie Weisman
Carrie Weisman oversees all SEO efforts at Best Life. She specializes in content optimization and editorial marketing. Read more
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