35 Ron Swanson Quotes That Will Make Every "Parks and Rec" Fan Giggle
We've rounded up Leslie's gruff mentor's funniest and wisest moments.
Some sitcom characters are just a lot wiser than others. And Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation—though a man of few words at times—is actually full of advice. As played by Nick Offerman, the strong-willed boss and friend of Leslie Knope knows what he likes (meat, breakfast food, dark-haired women, being left alone) and what he doesn't (elaborate cocktails, salads, having the government know anything about him), and over seven seasons of the comedy, he wasted no opportunity to make his preferences known. Keep reading to be reminded of some of Ron Swanson's funniest and most poignant quotes. Who knows, you may find the mantra you need for your life right now.
- "When I eat, it is the food that is scared."
- "The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
- "America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other 'cultures,' use an atlas or a ham radio."
- "Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?"
- "If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?"
- "Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon."
- "You had me at 'Meat Tornado.'"
- "You choose a thankless job. You can't be upset when nobody thanks you. Don't start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness."
- "There is no wrong way to consume alcohol."
- "I like saying 'no.' It lowers their enthusiasm."
- "Wait. I worry what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' Do you understand?"
- "If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults."
- Ron: "I suffer from a disorder called 'sleep fighting.'" Leslie: "That must be terrible." Ron: "Only when I'm losing."
- "Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone."
- "You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher: trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are."
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- "I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food."
- *On his sexual history* "Epic. And private."
- "Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something."
- "There is only one bad word: taxes."
- "History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake."
- *On eating salad* "You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."
- "Live your life however you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness."
- *On England* "Enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby."
- "I've cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed."
- *On Herman Melville* "Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaningless of human existence?" *Laughs* "No. It's just a ****** fish."
- "If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party."
- "Why is everyone else so bad at eating?"
- "Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours."
- *Listening to turkey calls* "Is this not rap?"
- "Please do not misinterpret the fact that I'm talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech."
- "There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk."
- *His entire will* "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me."
- *Playing a hunting video game* "I hope you've made peace with your god, small electronic deer."
- "There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability."
- "I regret nothing. The end."