77 Ron Swanson Quotes That Will Make Every "Parks and Rec" Fan Giggle

We've rounded up Leslie's gruff mentor's funniest and wisest moments.

Some sitcom characters are just a lot wiser than others. And Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation—though a man of few words at times—is actually full of great advice. As played by Nick Offerman, the strong-willed boss and friend of Leslie Knope knows what he likes (meat, breakfast food, dark-haired women, being left alone) and what he doesn't (elaborate cocktails, salads, having the government know anything about him), and over seven seasons of the comedy, he wasted no opportunity to make his preferences known. Keep reading to be reminded of some of Ron Swanson's funniest and most poignant quotes. Who knows, you may find the mantra you need for your life right now.

RELATED: 71 "Ted Lasso" Quotes to Make Your Day a Little Brighter.

Ron Swanson's Best Quotes

nick offerman as ron swanson and amy poehler as leslie knope in parks and rec
NBCUniversal Media, LLC
  1. Ron: "I suffer from a disorder called 'sleep fighting.'" Leslie: "That must be terrible." Ron: "Only when I'm losing."
  2. "Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone."
  3. [On England] "Enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby."
  4. [His entire will] "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me."
  5. [Describing his bowling technique] "Straight down the middle. No hook. No spin. No fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating."
  6. "I got my first job when I was nine working at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks I was running the floor. Child Labor Laws are ruining this country."
  7. "On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz."
  8. [Describing his allergies] "Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts."
  9. "I've created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…"
  10. "I've cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed."
  11. Ann: "Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?" Ron: "I have an uncle who does yoga."
  12. "I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model."
  13. "America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other cultures, use an atlas or a ham radio."
  14. [Playing a hunting video game] "I hope you've made peace with your god, small electronic deer."
  15. "Please do not misinterpret the fact that I'm talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech."

RELATED: 53 Yoda Quotes That Are Surprisingly Deep.

Ron Swanson Quotes About Food

If there were mood food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.' — Ron Swanson quote
Best Life
  1. "When I eat, it is the food that is scared."
  2. "Wait. I worry what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' Do you understand?"
  3. "There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk."
  4. "If it doesn't have meat, it's a snack."
  5. "Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life."
  6. "I call this turf 'n' turf. It's a 16-ounce T-bone and 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American."
  7. "The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."
  8. "An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something's flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA."
  9. "Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for 12 years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like."
  10. "Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars."
  11. "Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace."
  12. "Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable."
  13. [On eating salad] "You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."
  14. "If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party."
  15. "Why is everyone else so bad at eating?"

RELATED: 80 Food Puns That Are Absolutely Egg-squisite.

Ron Swanson Quotes About Life and Advice

"If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults." — Ron Swanson quote
Best Life
  1. "You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher: trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are."
  2. "Live your life however you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness."
  3. "You choose a thankless job. You can't be upset when nobody thanks you. Don't start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness."
  4. "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard."
  5. "When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them."
  6. "I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures."
  7. "One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it."
  8. "That is a canvas sheet—the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art."
  9. "Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
  10. "Give 100 percent. 110 percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that."
  11. [On Herman Melville] "Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence?" *Laughs* "No. It's just a [expletive] fish."
  12. "The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
  13. "Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours."
  14. "I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins."
  15. "If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults."

RELATED: 100 Funny Quotes About Work, Family, & Getting Old.

Ron Swanson One-Liners

There is no wrong way to consume alcohol." - Ron Swanson quote
Best Life
  1. "Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?"
  2. "If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?"
  3. "You had me at 'Meat Tornado.'"
  4. '"I regret nothing. The end."
  5. "Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."
  6. "Are you going to tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?"
  7. "Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."
  8. "There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger."
  9. "Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are useless."
  10. "There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut."
  11. [On his sexual history*] "Epic. And private."
  12. "There is only one bad word: taxes."
  13. "History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake."
  14. "There is no wrong way to consume alcohol."
  15. "I like saying 'no.' It lowers their enthusiasm."

RELATED: 101 Best Insults (And Quotes!) for Winning Any Argument.

Ron Swanson Quotes About Ex-Wives

nick offerman as ron swanson in parks and rec
NBCUniversal Media, LLC
  1. "On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time."
  2. "My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara, she goes by Tammy."
  3. "Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man."
  4. So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare in the eye of Satan's butt hole?
  5. "Tammy and I don't work. We are oil and water. Or oil and TNT and C4 and a detonator and a butane torch."
  6. "The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."
  7. "My first wife, Tammy, tried throwing me a surprise birthday party. When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, and told 'em people had broken into my home. I'm not big on surprises."
  8. "Of course that [expletive] of an ex-wife is working at the library. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world."
  9. "I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife."
  10. "I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food."

RELATED: 101 Funny One-Liners That Will Crack Up Your Friends.

Ron Swanson and the Outdoors

nick offerman as ron swanson in parks and rec
NBCUniversal Media, LLC
  1. "Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon."
  2. [Listening to turkey calls] "Is this not rap?"
  3. "There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability."
  4. "The game is absurd. This gun is lightweight, there is no sight, and we are far too close to these deer. Would they not smell us?"
  5. "Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something."
  6. "This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package."
  7. "It's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it."

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of Ron Swanson quotes, but be sure to check back with us for even more amazing lines from your favorite characters. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out!

Carrie Weisman
Carrie Weisman oversees all SEO efforts at Best Life. She specializes in content optimization and editorial marketing. Read more
Filed Under
 •  •  •