71 "Ted Lasso" Quotes to Make Your Day a Little Brighter

Ted Lasso premiered back in August 2020 and soon ballooned into a smash hit. Why? Maybe it was all the across-the-pond-isms that American audiences found so captivating. Maybe it was the welcome escape from a world in crisis. Or many it was just star and co-creator Jason Sudeikis. In any case, Ted Lasso delivered some incredible numbers. Within a week of the show's third season premiere, it managed to capture 795 million minutes of screen time from viewers. With that kind of commitment, it seems safe to say that the Apple TV series is (1) incredibly binge-worthy and (2) very quotable. If you're interested in the latter, then keep reading. We've put together the best Ted Lasso quotes the show has delivered so far.

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Funny Ted Lasso Quotes

1. "You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits. I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear?" — Ted Lasso
2. "I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right. Yeah, it's horrible. No, thank you." — Ted Lasso
3. "Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live. Never disappoints." — Ted Lasso
4. On the Diamond Dogs: "It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip hop concert whose hands are not in the air." — Ted Lasso
5. "All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen." — Ted Lasso
6. "One more person says something that me and Beard don't understand, I'm gonna have one of my son's classic temper tantrums. It's basically just him calling me a bunch of silly names, you know, like, I don't know, 'dummy head' or 'poo-poo face' 'pee-pee fingers.'" — Ted Lasso
7. On scones: "It's like a muffin, except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth." — Ted Lasso
8. "You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It's a goldfish. Y'know why? It's got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish." — Ted Lasso
9. "I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me." — Keeley Jones
10. "I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids." — Ted Lasso
11. "Coach, I got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." — Ted Lasso
12. "Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high." — Ted Lasso
13. "You should do a TED Talk, 'cause right now you're getting a whole heap of 'Ted listen.'" — Ted Lasso
14. "If you would have told me that I'd be drinking tea at 3 o'clock every day, about a year ago… I would have punched you in the mouth." — Ted Lasso
15. "If the internet has taught us anything, it's that sometimes it's easier to speak our minds anonymously." — Ted Lasso
16. "I know change can be scary. One minute, you are playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside." — Ted Lasso
17. "I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons." — Ted Lasso
18. "There's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache." — Ted Lasso
19. "I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside. (Long pause) It was the mob." — Ted Lasso
20. "How many countries are in this country?" — Ted Lasso
21. "In my mind, you gotta have three things to be a Premier League team. One, you gotta play physical. Two, you gotta give 100 percent until the final whistle, and three, you gotta be sponsored by a Middle Eastern airline." — Ted Lasso
22. "You're telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y'all patch me up, and I don't have to pay jack squat? I tell you: I love this country." — Ted Lasso

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Ted Lasso Quotes About Grief

23. "I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad." — Ted Lasso
24. "I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear: being alone. Big whoop." — Rebecca Welton
25. "This is my cat's collar. She was a faithful companion for 20 years. I'm gonna miss you, Cindy Clawford." — Leslie Higgins
26. "I think things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one." — Ted Lasso
27. "It may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does. But believe me, it will all work out." — Ted Lasso
28. "Most of the time change is a good thing and I think that's what it's all about; embracing change, being brave, doing whatever you have to so everyone in your life can move forward with theirs." — Ted Lasso
29. "Isn't the idea of 'never give up' one of them things we always talk about in sports? And shouldn't that apply to people too?" — Ted Lasso
30. "Ain't nobody in this room alone. Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward." — Ted Lasso

Motivational Quotes from Ted Lasso

31. "You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't wanna hear it. All right?" — Ted Lasso
32. "This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off of it, either." — Ted Lasso
33. "The truth will set you free… but first, it will piss you off." — Dr. Sharon Fieldstone
34. "For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field." — Ted Lasso
35. "Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, 'Be curious, not judgmental.' I like that." — Ted Lasso
36. "You know how they say youth is wasted on the young? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you." — Ted Lasso
37. "I lost my way for a minute, but I'm on the road back." — Rebecca Welton
38. "I do love a locker room. It smells like potential." — Ted Lasso
39. "I suppose the best brand is being yourself." — Leslie Higgins
40. "​​Coach, I'm me. Why would I want to be anything else?" — Jamie Tartt
41. "A good mentor hopes you move on. A great mentor knows you will." — Leslie Higgins
42. "Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong." — Ted Lasso
43. "As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get." — Ted Lasso
44. "So I've been hearing this phrase y'all got over here that I ain't too crazy about. 'It's the hope that kills you.' Y'all know that? I disagree, you know. I think it's the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief." — Ted Lasso
45. "Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing." — Ted Lasso
46. "A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile to me." — Ted Lasso
47. "If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers." — Ted Lasso
48. "There's two buttons I never like to hit: That's panic and snooze." — Ted Lasso
49. "Little girls are mysterious. And silly and powerful. I gave up trying to figure them out years ago." — Ted Lasso
50. "Every disadvantage has its advantage." — Rebecca Welton

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Ted Lasso Quotes About Love

51. "I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we." — Ted Lasso
52. "Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape: A love triangle. Second place of course is the 'I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit' dodecahedron." — Ted Lasso
53. "I want you to know, I value each of your opinions, even when you're wrong." — Ted Lasso
54. "I think if you care about someone, and you got a little love in your heart, there ain't nothing you can't get through together." — Ted Lasso
55. "All I want is for when we win a match, to be able to kiss my fella the same way the guys get to kiss their girls. And I know we can't fix every ache inside of us. But I shouldn't have to pretend it's not there either." — Colin Hughes
56. "Even Woody and Buzz got under each other's plastic." — Ted Lasso
57. "Great party game, horrible relationship status." — Ted Lasso
58. "Coach Beard's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one, it loses its flavor." — Ted Lasso
59. "If we see each other in our dreams, let's goof around a little bit, pretend like we don't know each other." — Ted Lasso
60. "If there is something I could do or something I could say that would make you be happy just being with me, I'd do it. I'd do it in a nanosecond, but I ain't got no control over any of that." — Ted Lasso

The Best Roy Kent Quotes

61. "You deserve someone who will make you feel like you've been struck by lightning. Don't you dare settle for fine."
62. "It's more than a game to me. It's all I've ever known. It's who I am. It's all I am."
63. "I want you to remember this feeling. Burn this moment into your brains."
64. "What do you have to be sad about? Did one of the Paw Patrol dogs die?"
65. "Look, most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained… Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots."
66. "Stupid barking means it's over, right?"
67. "Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at 'Coach.'"
68. "Oi! Are my eyebrows crazy?"
69. "This isn't black. This is dark heather charcoal."
70. "Cheer up, Keeley. It's a funeral."
71. "Hey, Siri. Play The 'Roy Is Sorry For Not Understanding Keeley' Playlist."

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of Ted Lasso quotes, but be sure to check back with us soon for even more wise words. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on what's next!