50 Funniest One-Liners That Will Leave Your Friends Laughing

Become the sitcom hero you've always wanted to be.

50 Funniest One-Liners That Will Leave Your Friends Laughing

We’ve all experienced that awkward moment of silence. It happens even in a gathering of old friends. There’s a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. You want to save everybody from the awkwardness, but your mind is a blank. You don’t want to blurt out something stupid, because that just makes the moment all the more awful and cringe-worthy. But if you had a game-plan—a foolproof one-liner, say, that could suck all the tension out of the room—why, you’d be a hero! You’d be the Chevy Chase circa late-’70s of your social circle, the one who could be counted on to say the perfect thing at the perfect time to make everybody feel a little less uncomfortable and silly. If only you had planned ahead and had a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever you needed them…

Relax, we’ve got your back. Here are 50 funny one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Commit them to memory, and you’ll have your friends laughing so hard they won’t even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place.

lightbulbs against a yellow background one-liners

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”

And for more jokes that are guaranteed to leave your ribs aching from laughter, don’t miss 70 Jokes So Corny They’ll Leave You in Stitches.

Salt and pepper shakers one-liners

“I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.”

And if you need some one-liner jokes to lighten the mood, no matter where you are, check out 30 Actually Funny Clean Jokes for Any Situation.

Obese man living in one of the Fattest Cities one-liners

“I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”

And for more good, clean fun, bone up on 20 Funniest Jokes From Kids’ Books.

female student looking at textbook one-liners

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”

Woman and money, Bad Dating Marriage Tips one-liners

“Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”

tom brady diet nightshades tomatoes peppers one-liners

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

bird one-liners

“Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.”

things women over 40 need to know one-liners

“I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”

hold hands one-liners

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

chess one-liners

“A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”

And for more funny one-liners, don’t miss The 30 Funniest Movie One-Liners of All Time.

kid asking parent mom a question one-liners

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

(Credit: Zach Galifianakis)

dad and son fishing one-liners

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”

happy nerdy couple one-liners

“We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?”

forgetful woman against a gray background one-liners

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

man with therapist one-liners

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

culture shock, arguing with friends one-liners

“My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.”

And for more one-liner jokes, don’t miss 30 Mark Twain One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today.

worry one-liners

“Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”

man angry at printer one-liners

“I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”

mcdonald's happy meal one-liners

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!”

Woman with cast on wrist one-liners

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”

(credit: Demetri Martin)

stop judging women over 40 one-liners

“The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”

skydive one-liners

“You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”

happy couple Bad Dating Marriage Tips one-liners

“Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.”

body positive affirmations one-liners

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

pessimist one-liners

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

campfire photos that will make you excited for summer one-liners

“Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”

College Student Studying at Home 25 Years one-liners

“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”

Soap pump one-liners

“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”

indecisive one-liners

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”

And for more funny one-liners, don’t miss Stephen Hawking’s Most Timeless One-Liners.

forming an alliance with their mom helps kids emotional growth one-liners

“Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.”

church one-liners

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

Swollen feet Liver Warning signs one-liners

“It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.”

Man at Vending Machine Corny Jokes one-liners

“Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.”

stars one-liners

“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?”

insane one-liners

“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.”

reading books to your kids is a good bonding experience one-liners

“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…'”

amazon Alexa questions one-liners

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.”

And for more amazing and funny one-liners, check out 20 Timeless One-Liners from History’s Extraordinary Women.

hipsters in an office one-liners

“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”

You Aren't Loading Your Plate with Veggies Skin Cancer Risks one-liners

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

people partying at the end of the night one-liners

“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

funniest facts one-liners

“If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?”

coroner one-liners

“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”

Person handing someone cash money. one-liners

“I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.”

woman watching tv one-liners

“A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.”

fire one-liners

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.”

boat sinking one-liners

“You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.”

early bird worm one-liners

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

step ladder one-liners

“This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.”

happy couple at airport one-liners

“Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.”

man falling one-liners

“It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.”

And for funny one-liners, These Are the Greatest Insults in History.

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