50 Funniest One-Liners That Will Leave Your Friends Laughing

Become the sitcom hero you've always wanted to be.

50 Funniest One-Liners That Will Leave Your Friends Laughing
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We’ve all experienced that awkward moment of silence. It happens even in a gathering of old friends. There’s a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. You want to save everybody from the awkwardness, but your mind is a blank. You don’t want to blurt out something stupid, because that just makes the moment all the more awful and cringe-worthy. But if you had a game-plan—a foolproof one-liner, say, that could suck all the tension out of the room—why, you’d be a hero! You’d be the Chevy Chase circa late-’70s of your social circle, the one who could be counted on to say the perfect thing at the perfect time to make everybody feel a little less uncomfortable and silly. If only you had planned ahead and had a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever you needed them…

Relax, we’ve got your back. Here are 50 funny one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Commit them to memory, and you’ll have your friends laughing so hard they won’t even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place.

lightbulbs against a yellow background one-liners

1
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”

And for more jokes that are guaranteed to leave your ribs aching from laughter, don’t miss 70 Jokes So Corny They’ll Leave You in Stitches.

Salt and pepper shakers one-liners

2
“I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.”

And if you need some one-liner jokes to lighten the mood, no matter where you are, check out 30 Actually Funny Clean Jokes for Any Situation.

Obese man living in one of the Fattest Cities one-liners

3
“I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.”

And for more good, clean fun, bone up on 20 Funniest Jokes From Kids’ Books.

female student looking at textbook one-liners

4
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”

Woman and money, Bad Dating Marriage Tips one-liners

5
“Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”

tom brady diet nightshades tomatoes peppers one-liners

6
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

bird one-liners

7
“Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.”

things women over 40 need to know one-liners

8
“I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”

hold hands one-liners

9
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

chess one-liners

10
“A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”

And for more funny one-liners, don’t miss The 30 Funniest Movie One-Liners of All Time.

kid asking parent mom a question one-liners

11
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

(Credit: Zach Galifianakis)

dad and son fishing one-liners

12
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”

happy nerdy couple one-liners

13
“We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?”

forgetful woman against a gray background one-liners

14
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

man with therapist one-liners

15
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

culture shock, arguing with friends one-liners

16
“My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.”

And for more one-liner jokes, don’t miss 30 Mark Twain One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today.

worry one-liners

17
“Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”

man angry at printer one-liners

18
“I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”

mcdonald's happy meal one-liners

19
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!”

Woman with cast on wrist one-liners

20
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”

(credit: Demetri Martin)

stop judging women over 40 one-liners

21
“The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”

skydive one-liners

22
“You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”

happy couple Bad Dating Marriage Tips one-liners

23
“Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.”

body positive affirmations one-liners

24
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

pessimist one-liners

25
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

campfire photos that will make you excited for summer one-liners

26
“Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”

College Student Studying at Home 25 Years one-liners

27
“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”

Soap pump one-liners

28
“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”

indecisive one-liners

29
“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”

And for more funny one-liners, don’t miss Stephen Hawking’s Most Timeless One-Liners.

forming an alliance with their mom helps kids emotional growth one-liners

30
“Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.”

church one-liners

31
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

Swollen feet Liver Warning signs one-liners

32
“It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.”

Man at Vending Machine Corny Jokes one-liners

33
“Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.”

stars one-liners

34
“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?”

insane one-liners

35
“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.”

reading books to your kids is a good bonding experience one-liners

36
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…'”

amazon Alexa questions one-liners

37
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.”

And for more amazing and funny one-liners, check out 20 Timeless One-Liners from History’s Extraordinary Women.

hipsters in an office one-liners

38
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”

You Aren't Loading Your Plate with Veggies Skin Cancer Risks one-liners

39
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

people partying at the end of the night one-liners

40
“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

funniest facts one-liners

41
“If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?”

coroner one-liners

42
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”

Person handing someone cash money. one-liners

43
“I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.”

woman watching tv one-liners

44
“A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.”

fire one-liners

45
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.”

boat sinking one-liners

46
“You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.”

early bird worm one-liners

47
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

step ladder one-liners

48
“This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.”

happy couple at airport one-liners

49
“Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.”

man falling one-liners

50
“It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.”

And for funny one-liners, These Are the Greatest Insults in History.

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