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120 Best Insults (and Quotes!) for Winning Any Argument

Don't get dissed; get even. Look to us for the best insults to deploy during a spat.

Need a good comeback? One that will absolutely eviscerate your enemies and keep them from talking smack ever again? Of course you do. That's why we've collected the best insults the internet (and history) have to offer. Some are actually pretty funny, so feel free to unleash them on friends or family the next time you guys get into it. We trust you'll use them in good faith and in good fun.

RELATED: 145 Good Roasts That Burn So Bad.

Super Savage Insults for Friends

"First off: Brush your teeth"
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  1. You smell like hot dog water.
  2. First off: Brush your teeth.
  3. You're a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
  4. You are the human version of period cramps.
  5. Feed your own ego. I'm busy.
  6. Your face makes onions cry.
  7. You're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
  8. You're the reason God created the middle finger.
  9. I'd rather change a baby's diaper than have lunch with you.
  10. You have a face only a mother could love.
  11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  12. You're impossible to underestimate.
  13. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
  14. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
  15. Two wrongs do not create a right. Your parents are an example.
  16. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  17. I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.
  18. Unless your name is Google, you need to stop acting like you know everything.
  19. You're so ugly, even Stephen King would have nightmares about you.
  20. Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
  21. I discovered your point in life… To be an organ donor.
  22. The gene pool needs a lifeguard because of you.
  23. May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
  24. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
  25. I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
  26. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
  27. That sounds like a you problem.
  28. You are proof God has a sense of humor.
  29. You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.
  30. Your kid is so annoying, he could make a Happy Meal cry.
  31. How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

RELATED: 110 Funny Insults to Roast Everyone in Your Life.

Sarcastic Insults for When You Need a Good Burn

"Please shut your mouth when you're talking to me."
Best Life
  1. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
  2. You look so pretty. Not at all gross, today.
  3. Isn't it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?
  4. Please shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
  5. Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you.
  6. I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
  7. Oh, I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  8. So as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  9. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we've been married for 10 years.
  10. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
  11. If I said anything to offend you, it was purely intentional.
  12. I've seen people like you before. Of course, I had to pay admission to get access.
  13. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
  14. You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
  15. You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
  16. If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
  17. Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.
  18. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  19. Don't you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
  20. Your family tree must be a cactus 'cause you're all a bunch of pricks.
  21. I could've sworn I was dealing with an adult, but I guess I was wrong.
  22. I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
  23. You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
  24. You're everything I want in someone I don't want anymore.
  25. I don't know what your problem is, but I'm guessing it's hard to pronounce.
  26. You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But still.
  27. I'm busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
  28. I'm glad to see you're not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
  29. The only way you would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
  30. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
  31. Wow, your maker really didn't waste time giving you a personality, huh?
  32. I'd say you're 'dumb as a rock,' but at least a rock can hold a door open.
  33. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.
  34. You're my favorite person… besides every other person I've ever met.

RELATED: The Best Put-Downs From History, Hollywood, and More!

The Best Insults Found Online

"The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel."
Best Life
  1. "Someone once called me 'weapons-grade stupid.' That made me laugh pretty good."
  2. "The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel."
  3. "About 10 years ago a guy drove past me and yelled out the window, 'Your mustache doesn't suit you!' I'm still not over it."
  4. "If your eyes were any further apart, you'd be an herbivore."
  5. "Your face looks like something I'd draw with my left hand."
  6. "It's impressive how you manage to stay so confident."
  7. "You're a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave"
  8. "I bet your parents try to change the subject when their friends ask how you're doing."
  9. "You are a vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert."
  10. "Sharp as a marble."

RELATED: 21 Funny Pranks That Are Totally Harmless and Hysterical.

The Best Insults From History

""I've been called worse things by better men." — Pierre Trudeau on Richard Nixon"
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  1. "I've been called worse things by better men." — Pierre Trudeau on Richard Nixon
  2. "The house has noticed the Prime Minister's remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr. Bean." — Vincent Cable on Gordon Brown
  3. "He was a great man in an era of small events." — Winston Churchill on Lord Rosebery
  4. "No more backbone than a chocolate éclair." — Teddy Roosevelt on William McKinley
  5. "I don't want to be rude but, really, you have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk." — Nigel Farage on Herman van Rompuy
  6. "He's like a shiver waiting for a spine." — Paul Keating on John Hewson
  7. "He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off." — Lyndon B. Johnson on Gerald Ford
  8. "Poor George, he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." — Ann Richards on George W. Bush
  9. "[He clings] to data the way a drunkard clings to lampposts." — Paolo Romani on Silvio Berlusconi
  10. "A slur upon the moral government of the world." — John Quincy Adams on Thomas Jefferson
  11. Don't be so humble, you're not that great." — Golda Meir on Moshe Dayan
  12. "She probably thinks 'Sinai' is the plural of 'sinus.'" — Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Thatcher
  13. "The right honorable and learned gentleman has twice crossed the floor of this House, each time leaving behind a trail of slime." — David Lloyd George

The Best Insults Literature Has to Offer

"I do desire we may be better strangers."
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  1. "The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me." — Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
  2. "You speak an infinite deal of nothing." — William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice
  3. "If you will forgive me for being personal, I do not like your face." — Agatha Christie, Murder on the Orient Express
  4. "If looks could kill, you'd soon find out that yours couldn't." — Iris Owens, After Claude
  5. "Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." — Ashleigh Brilliant
  6. "May your genitals sprout wings and fly away." — Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
  7. "He would make a lovely corpse." — Charles Dickens, The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit
  8. "He was a tool of the boss, without brains or backbone." — Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis
  9. "I do desire we may be better strangers." — William Shakespeare, As You Like It
  10. "All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable." — Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies
  11. "I misjudged you… You're not a moron. You're only a case of arrested development." — Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
  12. "She is nuttier than squirrel poo." — J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

RELATED: 89 Funny Names That Are Oh-So Terrible.

Funniest Insults From TV and Movies

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you—he really is an idiot." — Rufus T. Firefly"
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  1. "Go back to Party City, where you belong!" — Phi Phi O'Hara, RuPaul's Drag Race
  2. "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?" — John Bender, The Breakfast Club
  3. "Listen, you insignificant, square-toed, pimple-headed spy!" — Sheriff Hartwell, His Girl Friday
  4. "Where'd you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?" — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul's Drag Race
  5. "I've had enough of you, you beast!" — Kim Richards, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
  6. "You're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty." — Cyrus Grissom, Con Air
  7. "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you—he really is an idiot." — Rufus T. Firefly, Duck Soup
  8. "Hey, where'd you get those clothes, the toilet store?" — Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
  9. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." Steven Wright
  10. I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste!" — Ramona Singer, The Real Housewives of New York City
  11. "It looks like she went into Claire's Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, 'I'll take it!'" — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul's Drag Race

Big, Insulting Words to Add to Your Vocabulary

"Cacafuego: A swaggering braggart or boaster"
Best Life

Not all insults can be borrowed or repeated. The next time you find yourself in need of some new material, refer to the list below. We've included some big, bold, and insulting words your simple-minded adversaries might not recognize. And, just in case you also need to brush up on that vocabulary, we've provided the dictionary definitions for each.

  1. Blatherskite: Someone who talks foolishly at length
  2. Cacafuego: A swaggering braggart or boaster
  3. Craven: Having or showing a complete lack of courage; very cowardly
  4. Insipid: Lacking vigor or interest; dull or boring
  5. Loblolly: An old form of British slang meaning stupid, rude, or awkward person
  6. Obstreperous: Difficult to control and often noisy
  7. Pilgarlic: Someone who is looked upon with humorous contempt or mock pity
  8. Poltroon: A spiritless coward
  9. Pusillanimous: Weak, timid, and afraid of danger
  10. Unctuous: Revealing or marked by a smug, ingratiating, and false earnestness or spirituality

Wrapping Up

That's it for our list of the absolute best insults out there, but be sure to check back in with us soon for even more fun!

Carrie Weisman
Carrie Weisman oversees all SEO efforts at Best Life. She specializes in content optimization and editorial marketing. Read more
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