These Are the Greatest Insults in History
Welcome to the burn ward.
Is there anything better in this world than a truly inspired insult? A good put-down is a thing of rare beauty, something to be relished like a fine wine. You can’t even pretend to be offended when somebody insults you with the right combination of artistry and wit. Don’t take it personally, bro. Just say “sick burn” and let it go.
History has been filled with crushing zingers and comebacks that’ve made us go “Whoa!” Here are 28 of our favorites. And when you’re done here, check out these 75 Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny.
“She ran the whole gamut of the emotions, from A to B.”
Author Dorothy Parker on Katharine Hepburn’s acting. And for more legendary Hollywood quips, check out The 30 Funniest Movie One-Liners of All Time.
“All morons hate it when you call them a moron.”
Author J.D. Salinger, from his novel Catcher in the Rye.
“My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, to Lady Astor, the first female Member of Parliament, when she called him “disgustingly drunk.” And for more great zingers from the halls of power, here are The 25 All-Time Greatest One-Liners by Politicians.
“Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town.”
Author Tom Clancy on the 42nd President of the United States.
“There’s one area where Donald’s experience could be invaluable, and that’s closing Guantánamo. Because Trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.”
President Barack Obama, on our current president. And for more on President Trump, here are the 5 Handshake Rules He Breaks All the Time.
“I like your opera. I think I will set it to music.”
Composer Ludwig van Beethoven, slapping another composer to the curb.
“How could they tell?”
Dorothy Parker, on the death of President Calvin Coolidge.
“I don’t approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.”
Comedian Jon Stewart on the tools of his trade. And for more amazing quips from comics, don’t miss these 50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends.
“What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Adam Sandler getting reprimanded by the school principal in Billy Madison.
“If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”
Author Kurt Vonnegut Jr., from his novel Timequake.
“She speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.”
Sir John Gielgud on Casablanca star Ingrid Bergman.
“One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.”
Author Mark Twain, in one of his most famous mass burns.
“What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed, and a moron?”
Tennis star John McEnroe, to a Wimbledon spectator.
“Your hair wants cutting.”
Said by the Mad Hatter to the March Hare in Lewis Carroll’s novel Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Actress Mae West on a man she didn’t like in Belle of the Nineties (1934).
“Gerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.”
President Lyndon B. Johnson on President Gerald Ford.
“Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”
Actress Elizabeth Taylor on her storied acting career.
“Gentleman, Chicolini here may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
Comedian Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (1933).
“He is simply a hole in the air.”
Author George Orwell, in his novel The Lion and the Unicorn.
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met.”
President Abraham Lincoln, on one of his political opponents.
“We were trying to get pregnant, but I forgot one of us had to have a penis.”
Comedienne and television producer Roseanne Barr, on her ex-husband Tom Arnold.
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Writer and filmmaker Billy Wilder, while listening to an actor sing in the movie Kiss Me, Stupid.
“Lie down so I can recognize you.”
Boxer Willie Pep, greeting a former opponent.
“It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.”
Dolly Parton, referring to herself.
“He was so tight-fisted, it hurt him to go to the bathroom.”
Actress and singer Britt Ekland on former partner Rod Stewart.
“James Franco: acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing; is there anything you can do?”
Actress and comedian Natasha Leggero on The Disaster Artist star.
“Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
Winston Churchill, after being informed by Lady Astor that if she was married to him, she would have poisoned his coffee.
“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain on the members of Capitol Hill. And for more great zingers from one of history’s greatest authors, don’t miss these 30 Mark Twain One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today.
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