40 One-Liner Jokes That'll Crack Up Your Friends
These quick and witty jokes are easy to memorize and share.
As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." If you've ever shared a joke with a close friend, you know that's true. Laughter bonds us and reinforces our relationships. A 2017 study in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior found that a sense of humor can even be the foundation of a new friendship, because it demonstrates that you both share a similar worldview. If you laugh at the same things, the odds are pretty good that you also have the same values and interests. Need a few fresh jokes to spice things up with your bestie—or someone you want to be your bestie? We've got you covered. Here are 40 hilarious one-liner jokes guaranteed to put a smile on both of your faces.
Funny One-Liner Jokes
- I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
- Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
- I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.
- How does a computer get drunk? It takes screen shots.
- Dogs can't see your bones. But CAT scan.
- What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
- My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
- Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
- Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.
- What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.
- My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.
- If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US?
- What do you call a noodle that doesn't drink? Soba.
- A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
- I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won't be able to make it.
- You do realize that vampires aren't real. Unless you Count Dracula.
- What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
- I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
- My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
- If prisoners could take their own mugshots… they'd be called cellfies.
The Best One-Liner Jokes
- Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
- I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
- A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."
- If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
- What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
- Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
- I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a kid's meal at McDonalds. His mother was furious.
- What do you call a dead magician? An abra-cadaver.
- What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationary.
- How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
- What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? He goes under cover.
- I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.
- A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
- Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. Because it's cap-sized.
- My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. It's a matter of wife or death.
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
- Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing? I think it's total non-scents.
- Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
- The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. There was no coffin at his funeral.