30 Mark Twain One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today

His advice will live on forever.

30 Mark Twain One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today
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"Honesty is the best policy—when there is money in it."

That line was written almost a hundred years ago, by one Samuel Langhorne Clemens—better known to the world by his pen name, Mark Twain. But the crazy thing is, it feels like it could've been written today. The sentiment is a little cynical, sure, but it feels right on target with our modern world. Was Twain some sort of clairvoyant? How was he able to perfectly encapsulate what it feels like to be alive in 2018 so many, many, many years before it happened?

Here are 30 quotes by Mark Twain that feel as apropos and on the nose today as when he first put pen to paper. And for more mind-blowing trivia, here are 50 Crazy Celebrity Facts You Won't Believe Are True.

1
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."

Mark Twain Bow Tie

It doesn't matter whom you voted for in the last presidential election, you probably agree with Twain on this one. For more stellar put-downs, here are The 28 Wittiest Put-Downs Ever Uttered.

2
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked."

Mark Twain in Chair

In a world where everybody seems to be shouting their opinions over everybody else, this is a nice reminder that the smartest ones are usually the quietest. And for more wisdom and perspective, here are the 40 Life Secrets You Need After 40.

3
"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Twain might've meant this sarcastically, but it's it's proven to be scarily accurate in 2018. If you prefer confidence over arrogance, check out these 70 Genius Tricks to Boost Your Confidence.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

4
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

Mark Twain One-Liners

As we've seen time and time again, liars always get caught.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

5
"Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities."

Mark Twain One-Liners

That's just silly. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy a new iPhone 8. And for more fun trivia, check out the 100 Awesome Facts About Everything. 

Image via Wikimedia Commons

6
"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Hey, how did Twain know everything about our modern-day Congress?

7
"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers."

Mark Twain One-Liners

If there's one thing that doesn't change over the years, it's the recipe to a successful marriage. And yes, Twain's advice is so good, it could be included in the 50 Best Marriage Tips of All Time.

8
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Whether it's sports or politics, rooting for the underdog is one of our favorite pastimes. And for more great history lessons, here are the Most Enduring Myths in American History. 

9
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

Mark Twain One-Liners

We're pretty sure Twain was explaining why the Tide Pod Challenge is stupid, right? And for more great one-liners, here are Ryan Reynold's 30 Funniest Tweets. 

10
"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Do you know anyone who says, "Oh, I love tax day? Nothing gives me more pleasure than giving my money to the government."

11
"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Let this Twain quote be your guide before you venture into any comments section online.

12
"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Could everyone just learn where North Korea is on a map so we don't have to worry about World War III? Thanks in advance!

13
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Hey Millennials, Mr. Twain has some friendly advice for you. For more pithy wisdom, here are 50 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love. 

14
"The only rational patriotism is loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it."

Mark Twain One-Liners

If more of us took this quote to heart, there might be fewer "who's more patriotic" political arguments.

15
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Twain died in 1910, and yet he seems to know exactly why modern relationships can become toxic.

16
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Thanks to the Internet, we're exposed to more personal criticism than ever before. But Twain reminds us that not every opinion needs to be taken seriously.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

17
"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Any dog owner will tell you this is 100% true. If you're not convinced, consider these 15 Amazing Benefits of Adopting a Pet.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

18
"The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them."

Mark Twain One-Liners

It's hard not to wonder what Twain would have made of Twitter and Facebook.

19
"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Other people telling you what you should be doing to get thinner, stronger, healthier, sexier, etc? No, no, that doesn't sound familiar at all.

20
"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."

Mark Twain One-Liners

This will probably be just as true in another hundred years.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

21
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Wait, are we crazy or did he just predict the rise of "fake news"?

Image via Wikimedia Commons

22
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Twain would've made a great nutritionist in 2018.

23
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Maybe if a few Internet trolls took this to heart, we'd live in a kinder world.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

24
"Never let formal education get in the way of your learning."

Mark Twain One-Liners

You don't need a college diploma to find this funny, but it helps.

25
"Virtue has never been as respectable as money."

Mark Twain One-Liners

And remember, he wrote these things 100 years before Martin Shkreli was even born.

26
"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done [the] day after tomorrow just as well."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Believe it or not, this is coming from a guy who had never heard about computer solitaire or social media.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

27
"We are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes."

Mark Twain One-Liners

We'd like to introduce you to our new personal therapist, Dr. Mark Twain.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

28
"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination."

Mark Twain One-Liners

Wouldn't it be great to say we all had no idea what he was talking about?

Image via Wikimedia Commons

29
"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

Mark Twain One-Liners

He was joking, but it sure does feel like this is true sometimes.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

30
"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

Mark Twain One-Liners

If this doesn't resonate for you, you need to get offline immediately and figure some things out.

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