Sometimes, the best medicine to ease the aches and pains of getting older is a good laugh. True, you'll never be as young as you once were, but aging is inevitable. Why not embrace it? Since you can't turn back the clock, here are some funny, silly, and downright punny "old people" jokes to make you feel a little better about moving into the next phase of your life.
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Hilarious Puns and "Old People" Jokes
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- If you lose something in a senior care home, don't stop looking until you've searched every nook and granny.
- The old man moved to Hawaii to live the life of a dentured surfing dude.
- Do elderly hockey players get gerihat-tricks?
- Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you.
- The old folks home was very secure. Each door was guarded by a century.
- You may be old, but I don't carrot all.
- Be kind to your children, because when you get older, they’re the ones who are going to choose your nursing home.
- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
- My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.
- Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
- At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the bathtub.
- The older we get, the earlier it gets late.
- Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.
- Only old people watch the Grammy Awards.
- Why am I getting older and wider instead of older and wiser?
- Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
- The old baker understands aging—she's an old tarte.
- You know what the young chicken said to the old? "You're no spring chicken!"
- Age got muffin on you.
- My father-in-law is so old that his driver’s license says, “Picture may be of someone else.”
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Best Jokes for Seniors
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- How are stars like false teeth? They both come out at night.
- What goes up but never comes down? Your age.
- An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “Do I come here often?”
- What musical genre do older people with arthritis listen to every time they sit down and stand up? Pop.
- You know you're old when getting lucky means a short wait in the doctor's office.
- The good thing about getting older is that you don’t have to worry about things like acne anymore. The bad thing is that you start worrying about new things, like wrinkles and gray hair.
- What’s the key to a structured retirement? A rigid nap schedule.
- Isn’t it a great feeling knowing you’re so old there’s nothing left to learn the hard way?
- You know you're old when you turn down the lights to be economical instead of romantic.
- Why was the retiree’s wife tired? She got twice as much her husband for half the pay.
- You know you're getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- I was told by my doctor that I should start exercising. So I joined an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, and jumped for an hour. By the time I put on my workout clothes, the class was over.
- These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights! I happen to be very wise.
- If my body were a car, I would trade it in a newer model… every time I cough sneeze or sputter my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.
- Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them? In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”
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Birthday Jokes About Getting Old
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- Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
- You know you’re getting old when you can't fit all the candles on your cake.
- Allow me to politely suggest this be the year you start lying about your age.
- I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
- At least I'm not as old as I’ll be next year.
- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get up again.
- The tragedy of getting old: So many candles... so little cake.
- My mother-in-law is like a fine wine. She gets more expensive with age.
- I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic car.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the birthday cake.
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Witty Old-Age Jokes & Quotes
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- There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. — P.G. Wodehouse
- "I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do." — Phyllis Diller
- "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out." — Jerry Seinfeld
- "I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes." — Andy Rooney
- "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." — Mark Twain
- "So far, this is the oldest I've been." — George Carlin
- “As soon as you feel too old to do a thing, do it.” — Margaret Deland
- "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." —Billy Crystal
- "As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people sure don't." — Carrie Fisher
- "You know you're getting older when you're told to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." — Joan Rivers
- "You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing." — George Bernard Shaw
- “The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.” — Doris Day
- "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." — Bob Hope
- “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” — George Burns
Wrapping Up
That's it for our list of old people jokes, but be sure to check back with us soon for even more laughs. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on what's next!
