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102 Good Comebacks for All the Haters in Your Life

Put your enemies in their place with these quick-witted retorts.

two colleagues having a comical argument
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Carrie Weisman
By Carrie WeismanMar 05, 2024
Carrie Weisman
Lifestyle Writer & Contributor
Carrie Weisman is a seasoned journalist who has a deep love of words and helping the widest audience possible. Her ...
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Have you ever been cut off mid-sentence? Or addressed in a way you found disrespectful? It's in these instances that you find yourself in need of a laser-sharp response, one that won't just silence your enemies, but stun them altogether. We're kidding... kind of. Whatever you end up saying should send a message, but it should also be delivered in good fun. Of course, it's not always easy to think on your feet, which is why we've compiled a list of good comebacks below. Keep your favorites handy and never find yourself at a loss for words again.

RELATED: 145 Good Roasts That Burn So Bad. 

Funny Comebacks for Friends

two friends facing-off head-to-headiliuta goean/Shutterstock

  1. I don’t think you’re stupid. You just have bad luck with thinking.

  2. There’s no point in making fun of you because it’d take the rest of the day for you to figure it out.

  3. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.

  4. You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.

  5. This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person.

  6. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you.

  7. Why don’t you go play in traffic?

  8. Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you.

  9. You're about as interesting as a documentary on dirt.

  10. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

  11. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

  12. The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.

  13. Grab a straw, because you suck.

  14. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

  15. You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

  16. Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the third one down.

  17. We were going to roast you, but apparently, burning trash is an environmental hazard.

  18. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

  19. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.

  20. If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.

  21. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

  22. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

  23. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but maybe you should start walking backward.

  24. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

  25. Is your family tree a cactus? No? Interesting, because everyone on it is a prick.

    26. Witty Comebacks for Arguments

    coworkers in an office firing good comebacks at one another during a disagreementUfaBizPhoto/Shutterstock

    1. Is part two of your argument coming out soon or is that it?

    2. Everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing the privilege.

    3. I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult to stupid people.

    4. You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.

    5. I’ve been called worse by better.

    6. Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.

    7. I admire the way you try so hard.

    8. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

    9. See that door? I want you on the other side of it.

    10. Don’t get bitter, just get better.

    11. You look tired. Have you been thinking?

    12. I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.

    13. Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

    14. Promise me you'll never home-school your kids.

    15. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.

    16. I’m listening. I just need a minute to process so much bad information at once.

    17. Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

    18. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

    19. It’s impossible to underestimate you.

    20. You don’t need to fear success. Seriously—you have nothing to worry about.

    21. No, that’s fine. You’re certainly entitled to your incorrect opinion.

    22. Congratulations on being at the top of the bell curve.

    23. I’m listening. I just need a minute to process so much stupid information at once.

    24. Keep talking. Someday, you might actually say something intelligent.

    25. Are you always this dumb, or are you making a special effort today?

      26. RELATED: 101 Best Insults (And Quotes!) for Winning Any Argument. 

      Good Comebacks for Girls

      man and woman sticking their tongues out at each otheralphaspirit.it/Shutterstock

      1. I’d give you a nasty look, but it seems like you’ve already got one.

      2. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.

      3. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.

      4. You should really come with a warning label.

      5. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

      6. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.

      7. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.

      8. I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes.

      9. The person who told you to be yourself gave you some bad advice.

      10. If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.

      11. I bet you take more than 15 items through the express lane.

      12. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?

      13. Where is your off button?

      14. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.

      15. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning?

      16. I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.

      17. Where’d you get your clothes, American Apparently Not?

      18. Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on two faces every day?

      19. You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.

      20. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only did that behind my back.

      21. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

      22. You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.

      23. I like the way you comb your hair. It’s impressive how you’re able to hide the horns.

      24. If you’re going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty.

      25. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it suddenly becomes a beautiful day.

      26. The real heroes in this world are the ones who have to live with you.

        27. Savage Comebacks When Arguing With Boys

        Woman's hand pulling a man's earNiran Phonruang/Shutterstock

        1. You are the human version of cramps.

        2. It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.

        3. No, keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.

        4. I will ignore you so hard that you will start doubting your existence.

        5. You look easy to draw.

        6. Feed your own ego. I’m busy.

        7. You look like a "before" picture.

        8. You’ll never be the man your mom is.

        9. Most mistakes can be corrected. You are the exception to the rule.

        10. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

        11. If you ever had a thought, it would die of loneliness.

        12. It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a baseball bat.

        13. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

        14. If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?

        15. I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

        16. Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.

        17. You haven’t changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

        18. You are proof God has a sense of humor.

        19. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.

        20. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

        21. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.

        22. I’d punch you in the face, but the idea of touching you disgusts me.

        23. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

        24. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

        25. It’s kind of sad what happened to your face… Oh wait, that’s how it has always looked?

        26. Opposites attract, right? In that case, I hope you find someone good-looking, honest, smart, and cultured.

          27. RELATED: 89 Funny Names That Are Oh-So Terrible. 

          Tips for Delivering the Most Clever Comebacks Around

          Young businesswoman meditating in lotus position while her colleagues yell during a negotiation in the officeantoniodiaz/Shutterstock

          Know who you're up against and be timely.

          The best comebacks aren't forced or rehearsed. Instead, they're perfectly tailored toward the individual you're arguing with and what you're arguing about. And don't worry—even if you're not great at thinking on your feet, you'll probably have time to think of a decent enough zinger.

          According to the Harvard Business Review, people think much faster than they speak. Meaning, we've got a good chance of internalizing what someone is saying and how we'd like to respond before they finish speaking. Walk into any argument armed with a comeback or two, and you're sure to dish something out that perfectly summarizes how you feel.

          Stay positive and don't stoop to their level.

          A good comeback doesn't need to be cruel or insulting. Instead, try to shine light on any absurdity taking place and lead with positivity and humor. This will help defuse the tension and allow you and your opponent to move forward productively. Negative comments will only perpetuate any hostilities and likely take the situation from bad to worse.

          Don't take yourself too seriously, either. A good comeback isn't about getting revenge or embarrassing someone else. It's about getting your point across in a way that makes someone else rethink the way they're delivering their own.

          Be confident.

          Speak clearly and avoid muttering. Saying something under your breath can appear passive-aggressive, so it's best to be loud, proud, and completely committed to what you're saying.

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