The Best Joke Written About Every U.S. State

1 | Alabama

An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?!"

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2 | Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

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3 | Arizona

A sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain — not so much for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old."

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4 | Arkansas

A teacher asked her students about Arkansas's official state bird. Johnny raised his hand immediately and said, "Mosquitoes."

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5 | California

What's the best part of winter in California?

That you can only see it on TV.

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6 | Colorado

How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

7 | Connecticut

You know you're from Connecticut if you root for all of the New York sports teams.

8 | Delaware

Q: What did Delaware?

A: I don't know.

Q: A brand New Jersey.

9 | Florida

"Thank you for calling Florida's emergency services. If this is regarding an anaconda in a crawl space, press 1. If a sinkhole full of bones has appeared in your living room, press 2. If you want to know why JAG wasn't on this week, press 3." (30 Rock)

10 | Georgia

How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with "Go down Peachtree …" and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House …"

11 | Hawaii

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replies the passerby.

12 | Idaho

"Idaho has raised its speed limit to 80 miles per hour.  Now you can get out of there even faster." (Stephen Colbert.)

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13 | Illinois

14 | Indiana

It's fitting that Indianapolis' NFL team is the Colts: Count On Losing The Superbowl.

15 | Iowa

"I used to think [Iowa] was something people said when they're listing states alphabetically and they couldn't remember what comes after Indiana. Indiana.... I, oh... Oh yeah, Kansas! Kansas." (Trevor Noah)

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16 | Kansas

Q: What's the difference between Kansas and yogurt?

A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

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17 | Kentucky

What did the Kentucky Derby horse say when it fell? "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

18 | Louisiana

Every day can be Fat Tuesday if you try hard enough!

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19 | Maine

High of 32º F? Last cookout of the season!

20 | Maryland

What do you call your ex who lived in Maryland? Old Bae.

21 | Massachusetts

"The last person to get across [Boston] in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'" (Lewis Black)

22 | Michigan

What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

23 | Minnesota

What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Winter. Still Winter. Yep, Still Winter. And Construction.

24 | Mississippi

How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

25 | Missouri

A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"

The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis, too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."

26 | Montana

Montana, where the elevation is usually a bigger number than the town's population.

27 | Nebraska

Did you hear what happened in Nebraska when the wind stopped blowing? Everyone fell over!

28 | Nevada

"I went to a dentist is Vegas because I had a cavity... and he wanted to wait until I had three in a row!" (Rita Rudner)

29 | New Hampshire

"That's all 'Live Free or Die' really is: it's no sales tax, and no seat belts or normal safety regulations that save lives. It shouldn't be 'Live Free or Die.' It should be 'Live Free and Die.'" (Drew Dunn)

30 | New Jersey

"New Jersey is banning smiling in driver's license photos. So now, instead of telling the driver to, 'Say cheese,' the DMV photographer will just say, 'You live in New Jersey.'" (Conan O'Brien)

31 | New Mexico

"I refer to Mexico as 'Mexico Classic' and New Mexico as 'Mexico 2: Electric Boogaloo.'" (Steve Hoffstetter)

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32 | New York

"In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment." (David Sedaris)

33 | North Carolina

One inch of snow? Sorry folks, North Carolina is closed.

34 | North Dakota

What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.

35 | Ohio

If your hometown river is flammable and you don't see any meaningful difference between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip, you're probably from Ohio.

36 | Oklahoma

If you see a tornado warning on the television but don't get too excited about it until you actually see it coming toward you, you may live in Oklahoma.

37 | Oregon

Restaurant patron: "Can you tell us more about the chicken?"

Waitress: "It's a heritage breed, woodland raised, and fed a diet of sheepsmilk, soy, and hazelnuts."

Patron: "And it's local?"

Waitress: "Yep."

Patron: "And how big is the area where it's allowed to roam free?"

Waitress: "Four acres."

Patron: "We're gonna go check [the farm] out right now, if you don't mind, if you could hold our seats."

(Portlandia sketch)

38 | Pennsylvania

Where does America buy its pencils?

Pennsylvania!

39 | Rhode Island

Welcome to Rhode Island! Enjoy it, because it ends in 40 feet.

40 | South Carolina

While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore.

Halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do anything," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."

41 | South Dakota

The state tree of South Dakota: Telephone poles.

42 | Tennessee

Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back …

43 | Texas

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a diner and ordered an orange juice and a steak. The waitress brought a pitcher of orange juice and the man's jaw dropped.

The farmer said, "Pardon me, I ordered a glass of orange juice not a whole pitcher."

The waitress simply said, "Sir, this is Texas. Everything's bigger."

So when the waitress brought the steak the farmer said, "Excuse me, I ordered a steak not the whole cow!"

Again the waitress said, "This is Texas everything's bigger."

After he finished he had to go to the bathroom so he asked the waitress were it was. She told him it was down the hall first door to the left. Just as he walked through the men's room door he fell into a deep pool and screamed, "HELP, HELP! DON'T FLUSH!"

44 | Utah

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.

"Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor.

"Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"

"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either."

"Well then," says the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

45 | Vermont

How many Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to change it and two to talk about how much better the old one was.

46 | Virginia

No one in Virginia ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they're on!

47 | Washington

What did the Seattleite say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? "Nice tan."

48 | West Virginia

A ventriloquist is touring around the state of West Virginia performing his act. One night, while performing his act, he proceeded to make a bunch of "stupid Southerner" jokes while talking through his dummy. Halfway through his act, one of the audience members stands up and yells, "Hey! We don't take kindly to your jokes around here! Not all of us are as stupid as you make us look!"

The ventriloquist begins to apologize to the audience when the audience member interrupts him and says, "I was talking to the man on your lap, not you!"

49 | Wisconsin

How do you know a man is from Wisconsin? He owes more money on his snowmobile than his car.

50 | Wyoming

If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you live in Wyoming.

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