50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

We’re lucky to live in a country with one of the greatest natural resources in the free world. I’m talking about, of course, comedians.

We have more comedy icons, per capita, than any other nation in the world. From past legends like Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce to modern-day masters of comedy like Chris Rock and David Letterman, their pithy observations on modern life is what keeps us sane, and reminds us that laughter will always be the best medicine. Here are fifty jokes from some of our greatest comedy icons. For more laughs, check out these 30 Times Famous People Dissed Other Celebs In Hilarious Ways.

Jerry Seinfeld Jokes From Comedy Legends

1
Jerry Seinfeld on funerals

“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” And for more laughs, check out 30 Funniest Memes of All Time.

Chris Rock Jokes From Comedy Legends

2
Chris Rock on minimum wage

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'” And for more from comedy legend Chris Rock, check out the 30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Relationship Advice.

David Letterman Late Night

3
David Letterman on baseball food

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” And for more on hot dogs, find out The 9 Best Greasy Food Meccas to Visit Before You Die.

Bob Newhart Jokes From Comedy Legends

4
Bob Newhart on Country Music

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.’” For more great country music zingers, check out the 30 Funniest Lines From Country Songs.

Steve Martin Jokes From Comedy Legends

5
Steve Martin on the perfect woman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” And for more funny one-liners, read up on 25 Monty Python One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today.

Mel Brooks Jokes From Comedy Legends

6
Mel Brooks on the difference between comedy and tragedy

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” Oof! And to keep the fun going, don’t miss this hilarious roundup of the 40 Funny Things Everyone Has Secretly Done. 

Mitch Hedberg Jokes From Comedy Legends

7
Mitch Hedberg on tennis

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” And for more great jokes, check out the 50 Knock Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up. 

Jim Gaffigan Jokes From Comedy Legends

8
Jim Gaffigan on gifts

“I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ Don’t give me an errand.”

Patton Oswalt Jokes From Comedy Legends

9
Patton Oswalt on KFC’s Famous Bowls

“I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!” For the record, no: That glop is not one of the 40 Heart Foods to Eat After 40. 

Billy Crystal Jokes From Comedy Legends

10
Billy Crystal on aging

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

Bob Hope Jokes From Comedy Legends

11
Bob Hope on banks

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Zach Galifianakis Jokes From Comedy Legends

12
Zach Galifianakis on emotional maturity

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” And for more hilarity, here are the 50 Dad Jokes So Bad They’re Actually Hilarious. 

George Burns & Gracie Allen Jokes From Comedy Legends

13
George Burns & Gracie Allen on politics

Gracie: “Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for city councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a campaign he put on!”

George: “Kissed all the babies, huh?”

Gracie: “Well, no, why should he? In San Francisco, very few babies are old enough to vote.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Jackie Mason Jokes From Comedy Legends

14
Jackie Mason on wealth

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.” Has your spending gotten out of hand? Save your budget with these 14 Money-Saving Habits You Need to Adopt This Year.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Ellen DeGeneres Jokes From Comedy Legends

15
Ellen DeGeneres on self-acceptance

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

Richard Pryor Jokes From Comedy Legends

16
Richard Pryor on divorce

“I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.” For more on marriage humor, check out The 30 Funniest Things Celebrities Have Said about Marriage.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

George Carlin Jokes From Comedy Legends

17
George Carlin on innovation

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” And for more laughs, don’t miss the 40 Facts So Funny They’re Hard to Believe. 

robin williams Jokes From Comedy Legends

18
Robin Williams on clean living

“After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same [jerk] I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.”

Maria Bamford Jokes From Comedy Legends

19
Maria Bamford on goals

“Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” If you’d rather not prolong the weight loss process (like Maria), This is the Safest Way to Lose Weight Fast.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Jonathan Winters Jokes From Comedy Legends

20
Jonathan Winters on airport traffic

“If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.” If you actually make it to your flight, these are the 15 Things You Should Never Do On An Airplane.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Steven Wright Jokes From Comedy Legends

21
Steven Wright on loneliness

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

Milton Berle Jokes From Comedy Legends

22
Milton Berle on women

“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.”

amy schumer Jokes From Comedy Legends

23
Amy Schumer on low expectations

“I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.'”

Freddie Prinze Jokes From Comedy Legends

24
Freddie Prinze on poverty

“I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It’s not really a ghetto; it’s a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don’t know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. ‘Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter.’”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Kevin Hart Jokes From Comedy Legends

25
Kevin Hart on kids

“There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn’t get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, ‘It’s not your birthday. Today’s not about you.'”

Dave Attell Jokes From Comedy Legends

26
Dave Attell on first dates

“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Bill Murray Jokes From Comedy Legends

27
Bill Murray on hope and bacon

“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” And for more great laughs from Bill Murray, here are his 30 Most Hilarious Encounters. 

Jackie Mason Jokes From Comedy Legends

28
Jackie Mason on infidelity

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

Joan Rivers Jokes From Comedy Legends

29
Joan Rivers on happiness

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” For the record, no, that’s not one of the 70 Genius Tricks to Get Instantly Happy. 

Denis Leary Jokes From Comedy Legends

30
Denis Leary on nature vs. nurture

“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”

Lenny Bruce Jokes From Comedy Legends

31
Lenny Bruce on preachers

“Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Garry Shandling Jokes From Comedy Legends

32
Garry Shandling on dating the homeless

“I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.”

Jon Stewart Jokes From Comedy Legends

33
Jon Stewart on Congress

“If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.”

Emo Philips Jokes From Comedy Legends

34
Emo Philips on chess

“I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Larry David Jokes From Comedy Legends

35
Larry David on baldness

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

Steven Wright Jokes From Comedy Legends

36
Steven Wright on breakfast

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

Woody Allen Jokes From Comedy Legends

37
Woody Allen on God

“If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”

Phyllis Diller jokes From Comedy Legends

38
Phyllis Diller on housework

“Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?”

Bob Hope Jokes From Comedy Legends

39
Bob Hope on brothers

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes From Comedy Legends

40
Rodney Dangerfield on marriage

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Richard Lewis Jokes From Comedy Legends

41
Richard Lewis on esteem issues

“I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.” To keep your bedroom game strong (and remain yourself), try these 30 Sizzling New Sex Games Every Couple Should Play.

Milton Berle Jokes From Comedy Legends

42
Milton Berle on aging

“I’m 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there’s never one around.”

Wanda Sykes Jokes From Comedy Legends

43
Wanda Sykes on instant riches

“I’m gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.” To even your odds of winning the lottery, keep in mind that These Are the Most Common Powerball Winning Numbers.

Bill Hicks Jokes From Comedy Legends

44
Bill Hicks on fathers

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?'”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Jack Benny Jokes From Comedy Legends

45
Jack Benny on priorities

Criminal: Your money or your life …
Benny: [Pause.]
Criminal: Look, bud. I said your money or your life.
Benny: I’m thinking it over.

To keep your money out of your pockets and into wiser ventures, check out The 20 Savviest Investment Moves to Make Right Now.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Robin Williams Funniest Awards Acceptance Speech Punchlines

46
Robin Williams on God’s extracurriculars

“Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? [Just] look at the platypus!”

Margaret Cho Jokes From Comedy Legends

47
Margaret Cho on how tattoos are like husbands

“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” Still looking for your next partner? Relax and appreciate these 30 Reasons Why Being Single In Your 30s Is The Best Thing Ever.

Johnny Carson Jokes From Comedy Legends

48
Johnny Carson on weather

“Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Buddy Hackett Jokes From Comedy Legends

49
Buddy Hackett on diets

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.”

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Groucho Marx Jokes From Comedy Legends

50
Groucho Marx on dogs

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

Channel your inner comedic genius with these 30 Great Icebreakers That Are Always Hilarious.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons 

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