50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends

We're lucky to live in a country with one of the greatest natural resources in the free world. I'm talking, of course, about comedians. We have more comedy icons, per capita, than any other nation in the world. From past legends like Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce to modern-day masters of comedy like Chris Rock and David Letterman, their pithy observations on modern life is what keeps us sane, and reminds us that laughter will always be the best medicine. Here are fifty comedy jokes from some of our greatest comedy icons. For more laughs, check out these 30 Times Famous People Dissed Other Celebs In Hilarious Ways.

"Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow." And for more comedy jokes, check out 30 Funniest Memes of All Time.

"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'" And for more comedy jokes from Chris Rock, check out the 30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Relationship Advice.

"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs." And for more on hot dogs, find out The 9 Best Greasy Food Meccas to Visit Before You Die.

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" For more great country music zingers, check out the 30 Funniest Lines From Country Songs.

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." And for more comedy jokes, read up on 25 Monty Python One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today.

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Oof! And to keep the fun going, don't miss this hilarious roundup of the 40 Funny Things Everyone Has Secretly Done. 

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless." And for more great jokes, check out the 50 Knock Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up. 

"I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, 'Not even close.' And the person that gives it is always like, 'You can take it back if you don't like it.' 'That's alright. I'll just throw it out.' Don't give me an errand."

"I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!" For the record, no: That glop is not one of the 40 Heart Foods to Eat After 40. 

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." And for more of the best jokes of all time, here are the 50 Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Hilarious.

Gracie: "Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for city councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a campaign he put on!"

George: "Kissed all the babies, huh?"

Gracie: "Well, no, why should he? In San Francisco, very few babies are old enough to vote."

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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." Has your spending gotten out of hand? Save your budget with these 14 Money-Saving Habits You Need to Adopt This Year.

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"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer."

"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right." For more comedy jokes on marriage humor, check out The 30 Funniest Things Celebrities Have Said about Marriage.

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"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." And for more laughs, don't miss the 40 Facts So Funny They're Hard to Believe. 

"After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same [jerk] I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car."

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry." If you'd rather not prolong the weight loss process (like Maria), This is the Safest Way to Lose Weight Fast.

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"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." If you actually make it to your flight, these are the 15 Things You Should Never Do On An Airplane.

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"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."

"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired."

"I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'"

"I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto; it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. 'Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter.'"

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"There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'"

"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed."

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"Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." And for more great comedy jokes from Bill Murray, here are his 30 Most Hilarious Encounters. 

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." For the record, no, that's not one of the 70 Genius Tricks to Get Instantly Happy. 

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list."

"Never trust a preacher with more than two suits."

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"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."

"If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract."

"I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them."

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"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough."ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"Housework won't kill you. But then again, why take the chance?"

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom."

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"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it."

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"I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else." To keep your bedroom game strong (and remain yourself), try these 30 Sizzling New Sex Games Every Couple Should Play.

"I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around."

"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke." To even your odds of winning the lottery, keep in mind that These Are the Most Common Powerball Winning Numbers.

"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'"

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Criminal: Your money or your life …
Benny: [Pause.]
Criminal: Look, bud. I said your money or your life.
Benny: I'm thinking it over.

To keep your money out of your pockets and into wiser ventures, check out The 20 Savviest Investment Moves to Make Right Now.

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"Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? [Just] look at the platypus!"

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." Still looking for your next partner? Relax and appreciate these 30 Reasons Why Being Single In Your 30s Is The Best Thing Ever.

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."

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"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it."

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"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Channel your inner comedic genius with these 30 Great Icebreakers That Are Always Hilarious.

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