50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

Billy Crystal Jokes From Comedy Legends, celebrity grandparents
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We're lucky to live in a country with one of the greatest natural resources in the free world. I'm talking, of course, about comedians. We have more comedy icons, per capita, than any other nation in the world. From past legends like Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce to modern-day masters of comedy like Chris Rock and David Letterman, their pithy observations on modern life is what keeps us sane, and reminds us that laughter will always be the best medicine. Here are fifty comedy jokes from some of our greatest comedy icons. For more laughs, check out these 30 Times Famous People Dissed Other Celebs In Hilarious Ways.

1
Jerry Seinfeld on funerals

Jerry Seinfeld Jokes From Comedy Legends
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"Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow." And for more comedy jokes, check out 30 Funniest Memes of All Time.

2
Chris Rock on minimum wage

Chris Rock Jokes From Comedy Legends
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"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'" And for more comedy jokes from Chris Rock, check out the 30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Relationship Advice.

3
David Letterman on baseball food

David Letterman Late Night

"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs." And for more on hot dogs, find out The 9 Best Greasy Food Meccas to Visit Before You Die.

4
Bob Newhart on Country Music

Bob Newhart Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" For more great country music zingers, check out the 30 Funniest Lines From Country Songs.

5
Steve Martin on the perfect woman

Steve Martin Jokes From Comedy Legends
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"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." And for more comedy jokes, read up on 25 Monty Python One-Liners That Are Still Relevant Today.

6
Mel Brooks on the difference between comedy and tragedy

Mel Brooks Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Oof! And to keep the fun going, don't miss this hilarious roundup of the 40 Funny Things Everyone Has Secretly Done. 

7
Mitch Hedberg on tennis

Mitch Hedberg Jokes From Comedy Legends

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless." And for more great jokes, check out the 50 Knock Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up. 

8
Jim Gaffigan on gifts

Jim Gaffigan Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, 'Not even close.' And the person that gives it is always like, 'You can take it back if you don't like it.' 'That's alright. I'll just throw it out.' Don't give me an errand."

9
Patton Oswalt on KFC's Famous Bowls

Patton Oswalt Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!" For the record, no: That glop is not one of the 40 Heart Foods to Eat After 40. 

10
Billy Crystal on aging

Billy Crystal Jokes From Comedy Legends

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

11
Bob Hope on banks

Bob Hope Jokes From Comedy Legends

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

12
Zach Galifianakis on emotional maturity

Zach Galifianakis Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." And for more of the best jokes of all time, here are the 50 Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Hilarious.

13
George Burns & Gracie Allen on politics

George Burns & Gracie Allen Jokes From Comedy Legends

Gracie: "Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for city councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a campaign he put on!"

George: "Kissed all the babies, huh?"

Gracie: "Well, no, why should he? In San Francisco, very few babies are old enough to vote."

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14
Jackie Mason on wealth

Jackie Mason Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." Has your spending gotten out of hand? Save your budget with these 14 Money-Saving Habits You Need to Adopt This Year.

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15
Ellen DeGeneres on self-acceptance

Ellen DeGeneres Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer."

16
Richard Pryor on divorce

Richard Pryor Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right." For more comedy jokes on marriage humor, check out The 30 Funniest Things Celebrities Have Said about Marriage.

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17
George Carlin on innovation

George Carlin Jokes From Comedy Legends

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." And for more laughs, don't miss the 40 Facts So Funny They're Hard to Believe. 

18
Robin Williams on clean living

robin williams Jokes From Comedy Legends
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"After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same [jerk] I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car."

19
Maria Bamford on goals

Maria Bamford Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry." If you'd rather not prolong the weight loss process (like Maria), This is the Safest Way to Lose Weight Fast.

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20
Jonathan Winters on airport traffic

Jonathan Winters Jokes From Comedy Legends

"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." If you actually make it to your flight, these are the 15 Things You Should Never Do On An Airplane.

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21
Steven Wright on loneliness

Steven Wright Jokes From Comedy Legends

"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."

22
Milton Berle on women

Milton Berle Jokes From Comedy Legends

"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired."

23
Amy Schumer on low expectations

amy schumer Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'"

24
Freddie Prinze on poverty

Freddie Prinze Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto; it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. 'Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter.'"

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25
Kevin Hart on kids

Kevin Hart Jokes From Comedy Legends

"There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'"

26
Dave Attell on first dates

Dave Attell Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed."

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27
Bill Murray on hope and bacon

Bill Murray Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." And for more great comedy jokes from Bill Murray, here are his 30 Most Hilarious Encounters. 

28
Jackie Mason on infidelity

Jackie Mason Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

29
Joan Rivers on happiness

Joan Rivers Jokes From Comedy Legends

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." For the record, no, that's not one of the 70 Genius Tricks to Get Instantly Happy. 

30
Denis Leary on nature vs. nurture

Denis Leary Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list."

31
Lenny Bruce on preachers


Lenny Bruce Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Never trust a preacher with more than two suits."

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32
Garry Shandling on dating the homeless

Garry Shandling Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."

33
Jon Stewart on Congress

Jon Stewart Jokes From Comedy Legends

"If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract."

34
Emo Philips on chess

Emo Philips Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them."

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35
Larry David on baldness

Larry David Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough."

36
Steven Wright on breakfast

Steven Wright Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

37
Woody Allen on God

Woody Allen Jokes From Comedy Legends

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

38
Phyllis Diller on housework

Phyllis Diller jokes From Comedy Legends

"Housework won't kill you. But then again, why take the chance?"

39
Bob Hope on brothers


Bob Hope Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom."

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40
Rodney Dangerfield on marriage

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes From Comedy Legends

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it."

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41
Richard Lewis on esteem issues

Richard Lewis Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else." To keep your bedroom game strong (and remain yourself), try these 30 Sizzling New Sex Games Every Couple Should Play.

42
Milton Berle on aging

Milton Berle Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around."

43
Wanda Sykes on instant riches

Wanda Sykes Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke." To even your odds of winning the lottery, keep in mind that These Are the Most Common Powerball Winning Numbers.

44
Bill Hicks on fathers

Bill Hicks Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'"

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45
Jack Benny on priorities

Jack Benny Jokes From Comedy Legends

Criminal: Your money or your life …
Benny: [Pause.]
Criminal: Look, bud. I said your money or your life.
Benny: I'm thinking it over.

To keep your money out of your pockets and into wiser ventures, check out The 20 Savviest Investment Moves to Make Right Now.

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46
Robin Williams on God's extracurriculars

Robin Williams Funniest Awards Acceptance Speech Punchlines

"Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? [Just] look at the platypus!"

47
Margaret Cho on how tattoos are like husbands

Margaret Cho Jokes From Comedy Legends

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." Still looking for your next partner? Relax and appreciate these 30 Reasons Why Being Single In Your 30s Is The Best Thing Ever.

48
Johnny Carson on weather


Johnny Carson Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."

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49
Buddy Hackett on diets

Buddy Hackett Jokes From Comedy Legends

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it."

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50
Groucho Marx on dogs

Groucho Marx Jokes From Comedy Legends

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Channel your inner comedic genius with these 30 Great Icebreakers That Are Always Hilarious.

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