Some people have skeletons in their closet, and some of us have just a few bones. Not everybody has a dark backstory, with secrets too terrible to ever be revealed. For most of us, the worst we have to hide is that we occasionally tell our friends we had a “awesome weekend” but really we just sat around in our sweatpants, eating too many Oreos and binge-watching “Cake Boss.” Or we tend to check and recheck the refrigerator even though we’re well aware of what’s in there. (Maybe if we look one more time, the refrigerator elves will have brought something delicious.) Sound familiar? Most of us are more alike than we realize, and it’s in the small, silly behavior that we’ll all go to our graves insisting that we never do.
Here are 40 things that everyone secretly does—and yes, that includes you—but would never, ever admit to out loud. Your secret is safe with us, just make sure no one sees you laughing too hard at anything on this list. And for more hilarity from everyday life, don’t miss the 30 Great Icebreakers That Are Always Hilarious.
Called someone “buddy” because you forgot their name.
You swear he must’ve introduced himself to you at some point, but you’ll be darned if you can remember. It’s all good, big guy! And speaking of names: Don’t miss the hilarious worst first names for your favorite bands.
Danced by yourself while you eat something in your kitchen.
What is it about a few dry tortilla chips or a cupcake that makes you want to boogie a little? You know you’ve done it! Maybe you were listening to the 40 songs with the funniest titles.
Lowered the music on your car stereo so you can see better.
How exactly is turning down the volume on “Feel It Still” going to help us parallel park? I don’t know!
Wielded a bare wrapping paper tube as a lightsaber.
You and your wife are wrapping presents. You get to the end of your supply and are holding a cardboard tube. She leaves the room. What do you do? The answer’s obvious: You start humming lightsaber noises and twirling it like Ewan McGregor. (What else would you do?) Oh, and speaking of McGregor: Here’s the latest on a rumored Obi-Wan movie.
Brought a book to the beach and then never got around to reading it.
You had every intention of cracking open that new best-seller and getting some reading done, but instead you just took a dozen foot selfies near the ocean, and then fell asleep. Doh! And whenever you decide to crack into a book for real, consider one of the 40 Books Every Woman Over 40 Should Have on Her Bookshelf.
Felt personally victimized by an inanimate object.
Obviously the only reason your smartphone can’t find a Wifi signal is that it hates you and is being a jerk for some reason. When the printer decides to jam, it’s because it’s still holding a grudge against you, and has made a conscious decision to make your life more difficult. Technology doesn’t just stop working, it does it on purpose. Perhaps that piece of technology is one of the 30 Worst Home Appliances Ever Created?
Wrote an angry, 9,593-word email to a family member and never hit send.
Phew. It’s the smartest thing you could have ever done. But if you did indeed hit send, we hope you used The Single Best Way to Sign Your Emails.
Secretly diagnosed everybody in the waiting room at your doctor’s office.
That guy with the wet cough two rows over, he is definitely contagious. And when you’re done being all judge-y, know the 10 Secrets for Maximizing Any Doctor’s Visit.
Ate a “family size” bag of chips by yourself.
It’s not your fault! The Godfather was on cable, and the bag was on your lap, and it’s a looooong movie, and for some reason Doritos doesn’t come with an emergency kill switch to close the bag before you realize, too late…
Pretended you’re in a movie while listening to music on earbuds and walking down the street
It’s not just some tunes for an afternoon stroll, it’s the soundtrack to your own action-adventure movie, in which you’re the lead character (duh). In this particular scene, you’re strutting down the street in perfect time to whatever your favorite song of the moment is, and all the chumps and suckers are watching you go, trembling at your awesomeness. And for more great confidence boosters, check out these 70 Genius Tricks to Boost Your Confidence!
Did the cozy-in-bed cricket leg rub
You know that feeling of sliding into a freshly made bed, and you feel so cozy that you start rubbing your legs together, like a cricket chirping. Where the heck did that instinct come from? It’s like we’re trying to start a fire with our legs and make the bed even cozier.
You bought 20 t-shirts, but only wear three of them.
You just keep washing them—over and over.
You took a break from the internet on your computer to check out the internet on your phone.
Because maybe the smaller version of the internet has something more interesting or new then what the big internet has to offer. Oh look, let’s check Facebook again, but this time on a different screen, so it’s like we’re starting fresh. And speaking of your smartphone: Here are 20 Amazing Facts You Never Knew About It.
Ignored an email for weeks, and then wrote back and saying, “Sorry for taking so long to respond, somehow this ended up in my spam folder.”
No it didn’t. You’re just lazy. And for more fibs you tell, here are the 40 Lies Everyone Tells on a Daily Basis.
Used the bathroom at a friend’s house and perused their medicine cabinet.
If their prescriptions aren’t your business, then whose business are they exactly?
Read directions on a box of food, threw it in the trash, then retrieved it because of course you’ve forgotten everything already.
Why do we think we’re going to remember exactly how many teaspoons of milk are necessary in a box mac and cheese recipe? And for more on cooking, here are the 40 Dishes Everyone Over 40 Should Master.
Sat on your bed in a towel for far longer than necessary.
You’ve finished your shower. It’s time to get dressed. But the moment you sit on your bed while wearing a towel, you can’t seem to get motivated. You just stare at the ceiling and think about… nothing, really. It’s just like meditation, except in a towel.
Overthought eye contact
Nobody wants to look creepy, so we try to find the perfect ratio between making eye contact and looking away. But it’s easy to overthink it, and you spend so much time in your head — “Am I staring at him too hard? I should look away casually, and then look back, maybe after three seconds, or is that too long?” — that we end up not hearing a word they’re saying.
Walked to the “bathroom” when you woke up but ended up in your closet.
Hey, it happens to the best of us. And that’s just one of the 30 Weirdest Things You Do in Your Sleep.
Carried a ridiculous number of grocery bags in from the car, far more than you’re able to hold comfortably.
What, and make a second trip? Absurd. I’ll just balance four plastic bags on each arm, grip two bags with my teeth, and hold the milk between my knees, and hop into the house.
Lied to the doctor when they ask about your “alcoholic drinks per week” consumption
Yeah, you only have one glass of red wine with dinner every other week. Suuuuure you do.
”Accidentally” sent a text to your secret crush that was meant for “someone” else
No, no, of course that selfie of you showing off your killer abs was meant for a pal and not the person you’re hoping to start dating soon. How clumsy of you to hit SEND without double-checking the recipient.
Offered some terrible fake laughter
There are so many reasons to fake a laugh, and not just because you’re being polite. Sometimes the fake laugh is a way of covering up that we actually don’t have any idea what was just said. Better to laugh inappropriately then stare back slack-jawed like a dog trying to follow a human conversation.
Went to the beach and then spent 45 minutes looking for the perfect spot
Is this plot of sand with a view of the ocean better than that other plot of sand, with the exact same view, a few yards away? Better think about it a little longer.
Came home from work, realized the house is empty, and then felt immense relief
It’s not that you don’t love your friends and family. But you don’t need to be around them every second of the day.
Bought a week’s worth of fresh vegetables but didn’t eat any of it.
Somehow, you kept ordering delivery after work, and before you knew it, those veggies went bad.
Pretended not to be disappointed when you get a birthday card without any cash
Still, at age 43, you want there to be a fiver in there. You’re not alone!
Stumbled and turned it into a funny dance
You of course fooled everybody. We all naturally assumed that when your arms suddenly started flailing and your legs fell behind you, it’s because you were starting a spontaneous and super funky dance routine and not because you tripped and almost fell on your rear.
A person sat down next to you and you waited a few minutes before leaving so you didn’t hurt their feelings
Whether it’s in a movie theater or an airport terminal, nobody wants to sit next to a stranger, especially if there are other seats available. But we also don’t want to be perceived as a jerk, so if somebody sits down in the seat directly next to us and we feel uncomfortable enough to move, we’ll wait a few minutes, because we don’t want them thinking that were moving because of them, even though we totally are.
You checked your symptoms on the internet, even though you know you shouldn’t, and now you’re positive you have brain cancer.
Why do we keep making that same mistake, time and time again? You know what a headache might be a symptom of? Literally every fatal disease ever!
Hit the elevator button multiple times.
The little light is on, we know the elevator is probably coming, but we can’t help ourselves. What if one more button push is needed to adequately express our urgency to the elevator? Because otherwise, what’s to stop an elevator from taking its time? Unless we’re really pounding on that button, the machine won’t know we’re in a hurry.
You were extra chatty with airport security, just so they know you’re definitely not a terrorist
That’s the number one thing airport security looks for, you know. If someone is really friendly and personable, going the extra mile to seem nicer and more accommodating than everybody else, then they should definitely be escorted directly to their gates and, if possible, given a free upgrade.
Weren’t entirely truthful during “Never Have I Ever”
Let’s be serious, nobody is telling the whole truth during that game. It’s just a way to humble brag about our adventurous and risk-taking past that likely never happened that way.
Pretended to text while really taking a selfie
Spoiler alert: You’re not fooling anyone. We all know what you’re really doing. Nobody texts at full arms length, while making a duckface.
Mumbled the name part through a rendition of “Happy Birthday”
You’re at a birthday party for a person you only kinda know. It’s time to sing Happy Birthday to them, and you belt out every lyric with gusto, until you get to the part where you sing their name, and you realize you only vaguely remember what the birthday boy or girl’s name is, so you mumble something incoherently hoping your sudden change in volume isn’t too obvious.
Claimed you have plans to get out of a social function, even though you totally don’t have plans.
Would it be so bad just to turn down an invitation by saying, “No thanks, I’m gonna stay home and watch old Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes in my underwear?” Okay, maybe it would. Never mind, continue fibbing.
Took out your phone to check the time, then get distracted by email, social media, and hilarious memes, and totally forgot to check the time
You know what’s great about an old fashioned watch? It doesn’t come with a Facebook app.
Pulled back the shower curtain when you used the bathroom just to make sure there were no serial killers hiding there
You’ve probably also jumped on your bed so the monster underneath it couldn’t grab your legs, too.
Rehearsed a conversation in your head that you’ll probably never have
That smug jerk at the office who doesn’t take you seriously won’t know what hit him, when you deliver the epic send-off you’ve been rewriting and fine-tuning for months. It’s pure poetry, as if Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde had a love-child who wasn’t going to be pushed around at work by some dude who can’t stop talking about his Ivy League education. You’ll never say any of it out loud, but at least it’s in your head, and that’s satisfaction enough.
Received a reply to your email, but you read your previous email first.
As if you forgot what you just wrote!
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