50 Hilarious Things Everyone Is Secretly Guilty of Doing
Who hasn't turned a stumble into a little dance?
Some people have skeletons in their closet; some, just a few bones. For most of us, the worst we have to hide is that we occasionally tell our friends we had an “awesome weekend” when, in reality, we just sat around in our sweatpants and binged an entire Netflix show without moving. We probably also checked and rechecked the refrigerator to see if the food fairies magically brought something delicious during the binge-watch.
Sound familiar? Most of us are more alike than we realize, even if it’s in small, silly ways we rarely talk about. Here are 50 funny things people do—and yes, that includes you—but don’t want to admit to out loud. Don’t worry—your secret is safe with us!
Mumbling the name part during a rendition of “Happy Birthday”
You’re at a birthday party for a person you only kinda know. It’s time to sing “Happy Birthday” to them, and you belt out every lyric with gusto, until you get to the part where you sing their name, and you realize you only vaguely remember what the birthday boy or girl’s name is. So, you mumble something incoherently, hoping your sudden change in volume isn’t too obvious.
Lowering the music on your car stereo so you can see better
How exactly is turning down the volume going to help us parallel park? Who knows! This is just one of the many funny things people do that doesn’t come with a simple explanation.
Searching for your phone while holding it in your hand
The average person misplaces his or her phone approximately one million times a day. For most of us, that leads to a combination of frustration and hilarity, especially when we start searching for it when it’s still in our hand. You may have even looked under your bed for it using your phone’s flashlight function before realizing what you were doing.
Seeing an outrageous price on something at a store and pretending you’re still considering it
Whether shopping for clothes, furniture, or even food, you’ve experienced legitimate sticker shock after seeing the outrageous price tag on an item. However, rather than get flustered and walk away, you’ve stuck around for a few minutes pretending that you’re still considering buying it while waiting for your blood pressure to get back into a less precarious zone.
Feeling personally victimized by an inanimate object
Obviously, the only reason your smartphone can’t find a Wifi signal is that it hates you and is being a jerk. When the printer decides to jam, it’s because it’s still holding some hidden grudge against you, specifically, and has made a conscious decision to make your life more difficult. Technology doesn’t just stop working, it fails on purpose—leading to our many angry outbursts at inanimate objects.
Secretly diagnosing everybody in the waiting room at your doctor’s office
That guy with the wet cough two rows over? He is definitely contagious.
Eating a “family size” bag of chips by yourself
It’s not your fault! The Godfather was on cable, and the bag was on your lap, and it’s a loooong movie, and, for some reason, Doritos don’t come with an emergency kill switch to close the bag before it’s too late.
Ignoring an email for weeks, then writing back and saying, “Somehow this ended up in my spam folder”
Suuure, it did.
Pretending you’re in a movie while listening to music on headphones and walking down the street
It’s not just some tunes for an afternoon stroll—it’s the soundtrack to your own action-adventure movie, in which you’re the star! In this particular scene, you’re strutting down the street in perfect time to whatever your favorite song of the moment is, and all the extras are watching you go, trembling at your awesomeness.
Wielding a bare wrapping paper tube as a lightsaber
You’re wrapping presents and you get to the end of your supply and are holding a cardboard tube. What do you do? The answer’s obvious: You start humming lightsaber noises and twirling it like Ewan McGregor. (What else is there to do?)
Being extra chatty with airport security for good travel karma
That’s the number one thing airport security looks for, you know. If someone is really friendly and personable, going the extra mile to seem nicer and more accommodating than everybody else, then they should definitely be escorted directly to their gates and, if possible, given a free upgrade.
Offering some truly transparent fake laughter
There are so many reasons to fake a laugh, and not just because you’re being polite. Sometimes the fake laugh is a way of covering up that we actually don’t have any idea what was just said.
Taking a break from the internet on your computer to check out the internet on your phone
Maybe the smaller version of the internet has something more interesting or new than what the big internet has to offer. “Oh, look, let’s check Facebook again, but this time on a different screen!” It’s like starting the newsfeed fresh.
Bringing a book to the beach and not actually reading it
Using the bathroom at a friend’s house and peeking at their medicine cabinet
If their prescriptions aren’t your business, then whose business are they exactly?
Reading directions on a box of food, throwing it in the trash, then retrieving it because you’ve forgotten everything already
Why do we think we’re going to remember exactly how many teaspoons of milk versus water we need?
Sitting on your bed in a towel for far longer than necessary
You’ve finished your shower. It’s time to get dressed. But the moment you sit on your bed while wearing a towel, you can’t seem to get motivated. You just stare at the ceiling and think about… nothing, really. It’s just like meditation, except in a towel.
Overthinking eye contact
Nobody wants to look creepy, so we try to find the perfect ratio between making eye contact and looking away. But it’s easy to overthink it, and you spend so much time in your head (“Am I staring at her too hard? I should look away casually, and then look back, maybe after three seconds, or is that too long?”) that we end up not hearing a word they’re saying.
Walking to the “bathroom” when you wake up but ending up in your closet
Hey, it happens to the best of us.
Carrying way too much from your car so you can “make it in one trip”
A second trip? Absurd. Better to just balance four plastic bags on each arm, grip two bags with your teeth, hold the milk between your knees, and bunny hop into the house.
Lying to the doctor when they ask about your alcoholic drink consumption
We all do it, but “one a month” sounds suspicious. Listen, your doctors aren’t there to judge you—they’re there to help you, so give an honest answer to this one.
Accidentally sending a text to the person you’re talking about
You want to send a text to Karen about Bob, but you accidentally search Bob’s name in your contact list because he’s on your mind. It happens to the best of us. But it’s how you recover that really matters.
Buying 20 T-shirts, but only wearing three of them
You just keep washing them—over and over. Don’t worry, everyone does this.
Going to the beach and spending 45 minutes looking for the perfect spot
Should I put my beach blanket on this plot of sand with a view of the ocean, or on that other plot of sand, with the exact same view, a few yards away? Better think about it a little longer.
Coming home from work, realizing the house is empty, and feeling immense relief
It’s not that you don’t love your friends and family. But you don’t need to be around them every second of the day.
Buying a week’s worth of fresh vegetables and not eating any of it
Somehow, you kept ordering delivery after work, and, before you knew it, those veggies went bad.
Pretending not to be disappointed when you get a birthday card without any cash
Still, at age 43, you want there to be a fiver in there. You’re not alone!
Stumbling and turning it into a funny dance
You, of course, fooled everybody. We all naturally assumed that when your arms suddenly started flailing and your legs fell behind you, it’s because you were starting a spontaneous and super funky dance routine and not because you tripped and almost fell on your rear.
Waiting a few minutes after a person sits down next to you before leaving so you didn’t hurt their feelings
Whether it’s in a movie theater or a public park or an airport terminal, nobody wants to sit next to a stranger, especially if there are other seats available. But we also don’t want to be perceived as jerks. So if somebody sits down in the seat directly next to us and we feel uncomfortable enough to move, we’ll wait a few minutes, because we don’t want them thinking that were moving because of them, even though we totally are.
Checking your symptoms on the internet, and convincing yourself you’re on death’s door
Why do we keep making that same mistake, time and time again? You know what a headache might be a symptom of? Literally every fatal disease ever!
Hitting the elevator button multiple times
The little light is on, we know the elevator is probably coming, but we can’t help ourselves. What if one more button push is needed to adequately express our urgency to the elevator? Because otherwise, what’s to stop an elevator from taking its time? Unless we’re really pounding on that button, the machine won’t know we’re in a hurry.
Writing an angry, 9,593-word email to a family member and never hitting send
Phew! It’s the smartest thing you could have done.
Fibbing during a round of “Never Have I Ever”
Let’s be serious, nobody is telling the whole truth during that game. It’s just a way to brag about an adventurous and risky past that, in truth, likely wasn’t quite as adventurous or risky as you’ve portrayed it.
Pretending to text while really taking a selfie
Spoiler alert: You’re not fooling anyone. We all know what you’re really doing. Nobody texts at full arm’s length while making a duckface. You might as well be holding a selfie stick!
Calling someone “buddy” because you forgot their name
You swear he must’ve introduced himself to you at some point, but you’ll be darned if you can remember. It’s all good, big guy!
Claiming you have plans to get out of a social function, even though you totally don’t
Taking out your phone to check the time, then getting distracted by it and totally forgetting what time it is
You know what’s great about an old fashioned watch? It doesn’t come with a Facebook app.
Pulling back the shower curtain just to make sure there are no serial killers hiding behind there
You’ve probably also jumped on your bed so the monster underneath it couldn’t grab your legs, too.
Rehearsing a conversation in your head that you’ll probably never have
That smug jerk at the office who doesn’t take you seriously won’t know what hit him when you deliver the epic send-off you’ve been rewriting and fine-tuning for months. It’s pure poetry, as if William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde had a love-child who wasn’t going to be pushed around at work by some dude who can’t stop talking about his Ivy League education. You’ll never say any of it out loud, but at least it’s in your head, and that’s satisfaction enough.
Receiving a reply to your email, but re-reading the email you sent first
As if you forgot what you just wrote!
Dancing by yourself in your kitchen
What is it about a few dry tortilla chips or a cupcake that makes you want to boogie a little? You know you’ve done it!
Channeling your inner Adele in traffic only to realize another driver is watching
There are few greater joys in life than belting out one of your favorite songs in the car, especially when you’re bored in traffic. However, during a heartfelt rendition of “Someone Like You” with the windows up, you’ve gotten so into the zone that you totally forgot that other people can see you—like the driver one lane over who’s having a good laugh about your award-worthy performance.
Getting invested in a conversation you were eavesdropping on
We all know that eavesdropping isn’t exactly polite, but if people didn’t want you to listen in on their conversations, why do they have such interesting ones in public? You’ve definitely had entire meals where you barely talked to the person you’re dining with in favor of listening to the relationship drama of the couple behind you—and, of course, giving mental notes in your head.
Pretending to be Rocky while jogging
Sure, the movie’s iconic theme song may not actually be on your workout playlist, but the spirit of the champion is definitely in you when you’re pounding the pavement. And, of course, you’ve practiced those competition-level jabs and right hooks along the way.
Carefully inspecting an item at the grocery store because someone is standing in front of the one you actually want
Saying “excuse me” to a stranger so you can grab a bag of cauliflower rice is an awkward situation you’re sometimes just not in the mood for. So, while you’ve waited for someone to get out of your way at the grocery store, you’ve spent your sweet time learning everything you can about a jar of gherkins.
Getting flustered and saying the wrong thing when someone said “bless you”
You sneezed and someone said “bless you.” While most people would reply with “thank you,” your confused brain somehow came up with “you too” or “you’re welcome,” instead.
Giving your pet a pump-up talk
You know that humans aren’t the only ones who can use a little self-esteem boost from time to time. You’ve definitely reminded your beloved pet just how smart and special and terrific they are before a walk or vet appointment.
Getting alarmed when you see yourself in your phone’s front-facing camera
Breaking out your phone to take a photo, only to realize that the front-facing camera is on, is one of the most harrowing experiences. You’re probably guilty of letting out an audible yelp and quickly closing the camera app after seeing yourself at that angle.
Throwing change and receipts haphazardly in your wallet to avoid holding up a line
Who cares if the change is even correct? You know there are carts behind you and you’re not going to be the one holding up the line today.
Doing that cozy-in-bed cricket leg rub
You know that feeling of sliding into a freshly made bed, and you start rubbing your legs together, like a cricket chirping? Where in the world did that instinct come from? It’s like you’re trying to start a fire with your legs and make the bed feel even cozier. And for the less endearing things you probably do on a regular basis, check out the 50 Annoying Things Everyone Does.
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