The job market can be a pretty brutal place. Research commissioned by Glassdoor found that 250 people apply for every corporate job, and only 5 of those people manage to land an interview. So, nailing your cover letter and résumé are an absolute essential if you want to be one of the lucky two percent who manage to make it past the first hurdle.
Unfortunately, these applicants barely even make it past the starting line. Whether they’re completely clueless, kidding, or have simply abandoned all hope of ever finding a job, they all have one thing in common. They have failed miserably at the application process, offering up these creepy introductions to their would-be employers. And if you find it hard to believe that anyone could actually send out a job application looking like this, then prepare to have your mind blown by 40 Facts So Funny They’re Hard to Believe.
Too Much Information
Some info is better kept to yourself, such as your ability to play a certain kind of horrible criminal. And you can definitely add that to the list of 40 Things No One Should Ever Say at Work.
Remember: Spelling’s not the only thing you should double-check when you’re submitting a résumé—make sure all photos of Nicolas Cage have been scrubbed, too. If the sight of Nicolas Cage’s face alone is enough to make you laugh, check out The 30 Funniest Celebrity Commercials.
An Extremely Custom Template
Believe it or not, a My Little Pony-themed résumé is not The Secret Trick for Getting Your Résumé Noticed.
Not Enough Information
Sometimes simpler is better. This is not one of those times. It takes more than writing “Have bachelor’s degree. Give job” to land an interview, sadly.
An Extremely Personal Narrative
Telling the story of a colleague who has drug cartel connections will definitely grab a person’s attention—just not in a way that makes them want to hire you. And for more great career advice, here are the 40 Best Ways to Jumpstart Your Career.
Unusual Personal Hobbies
You might think the terrible fonts and bad formatting are the problem here, but a closer look reveals that Cinnamon is also very passionate about “ferret husbandry.”
Sure, job hunting can be frustrating. Still, threats of murder (“If you don’t hire me, I will kill your kids”) will never be one of The 15 Best Tips From Hiring Managers.
A Detailed Account of Being a Bad Employee
As customer services advisor, this person “got rid of annoying customers who were a pain” and “sucked up to the store manager.” Considering how long this person held this position, they must not have known the 20 Red Flags That Scream “You’re in the Wrong Job!”
We’ll overlook the casual nature of this person’s résumé—”C’mon, let me be a part of this awesome gig you’ve got going on”—and just focus on the fact that this “Mr. Jones” attached a 5 pound note to it with the phrasing, “wink wink.” How could this have possibly not worked? And for more career advice, don’t miss these 20 Genius Ways to Make Work More Fun.
You want your cover letter to help you stand out, but not by telling lies like I’ve “tangoed with the queen” or “I charm crocodiles.”
While it is helpful to know the specific dance sequence from Dirty Dancing this person can do, that is definitely information that shouldn’t even be on a résumé the first place. And whatever job you’ve got, know that Seeing This Viral Photo Will Instantly Improve Your Workday.
Poor Attention to Detail
Quick learner; pays attention to detail; quick learner”—if you’re going to say you’re good at something on your résumé, don’t immediately prove that you’re not.
Type 1 diabetes is less of an activity and more of a lifelong illness, but sometimes you need to pad that résumé and list whatever you can come up with.
Everyone has probably slammed their hands all over their keyboard while writing their résumé. The trick is to not send the version that says “Dhsfijhsdg” is a skill when applying for a job. And for more on gibberish, here are the 25 Most Commonly Misspelled Words in America.
If you’re going to go in on a clown metaphor in your cover letter’s opening paragraph, don’t just ditch it and start in on a potato thing. But probably also don’t go in on a clown metaphor at all.
Maybe don’t confront a hiring manager about a position by sending along the death certificate of a colleague as proof of the availability of a position.
Meeting the Most Interesting Man in the World makes more sense at a cocktail party anecdote than as an item on a résumé.
If you have a draft of an unfinished résumé with “Place your text here” listed under all your headers, do yourself a favor and rename it “ABSOLUTELY DO NOT USE.”
Most employers will understand what you’re trying to accomplish with your résumé, even without writing “HIRE ME” over and over again at the bottom of the page.
Strange Bragging Points
Emitting pleasant aromas and possible ESP—on the bright side, at least the horse-like laugh is an optional personal attribute.
This person hasn’t even been hired yet, and they’ve already earned a harassment complaint by saying their special skills are best used in an “intimate environment.”
Technically Correct Answers
While technically correct, literal answers to job questions, like defining the word “experience,” on a job application is probably not what the employer is looking for.
A Sketchy Background
Sometimes, it’s better to have an employment gap on your résumé. for example, when you spent years in prison for being a drug dealer.
In case you couldn’t tell from the “heaps of medals” they’re bragging about, calling references “referees” really hammers home how much this person loves sports.
This sounds like an ideal employee. It’s too bad their references mysteriously “burned up in a fire.”
It’s nice to know that when this person doesn’t get hired, their impervious and outlandishly high self-confidence will protect their feelings from being hurt. After all, it takes a lot of bravery to list all the things you’re “best in the world at” on your résumé.
Admitting from the start that you aren’t qualified and probably won’t get hired is the natural human response to six months or so of fruitless job searching.
The Actual Truth
This person’s just saying what we’re all thinking by admitting to being bad at answering trick questions on applications.
Dropping the fact that you can protect potential employers with guns and knives is a subtle way of letting the hiring manager know you own a small arsenal.
Going to school every day isn’t actually work experience, nor is being “good looking” a skill. But since this kid’s 17, they get a pass. And bad résumés aren’t the only way kids are good for entertainment. Check out 50 Jokes From Kids That Are Crazy Funny.
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