In each and every one of us, there exists two people. One is the person we show to the world, who has self-respect and dignity and tries to behave accordingly. And then there’s the other person, who does things in private that we’d never admit to even under oath. Not because they’re illegal, but because they’re very, very embarrassing. We all have that second person inside us, even though we’re loath to admit it. Because revealing our nose-picking, armpit smelling alter-egos to the world would be revealing something horrible: That we’re not perfect all the time.
Here are twenty mortifying things that we all do, but always when we’re reasonably confident that nobody is watching. While these natural urges are more or less non-threatening to your health, it’s might be time to curb these 15 Natural Urges You Should Always Be Able to Recognize—And Fight.
Pretending you’re a Jedi when walking through an automatic sliding door
The Force is strong in you. Or maybe the door is programmed to do that and you had nothing to do with it. Either way, you’re ready for your training with Yoda. And for more embarrassing habits, check out the 40 Hilarious Things Everyone Has Secretly Done.
Hey, who isn’t a bit interested in what the Internet says about him or her? It’s when you’re busted when you really feel embarrassed. But instead of stalking yourself on Google, try sending one of these 50 Amazing Jokes You Can Text to Friends.
Waving at someone who wasn’t actually waving at you
You realize too late that the greeting wasn’t meant for you, it was for somebody behind you. Do you keep waving anyway, pretending you’re trying to get the attention of a friend down the block? Or just shove your hands in your pockets and walk quickly away, avoiding eye contact? There’s no good recovery.
Getting caught checking yourself out in a window reflection
Office buildings these days—they all seem to have mirror-quality reflective glass. But why is it that there’s always someone judging you when you stop to fix your hair on the way to work? If it happens to you, break the tension with one of these 30 Great Icebreakers That Are Always Hilarious.
Having your own private mini-concerts in the car
When your favorite jam comes on, you don’t just sing along. You play the drum, the bass guitar, synth, all guitar solos, and of course lead vocals. And you do it entirely with pantomime. Thank goodness nobody can look through your car windows and see you… oh wait!
Taking something out of your hamper to wear
That shirt should stay in the hamper. But hey, if you’re short on laundry, you’re short on laundry. And yes, we’re definitely adding this to the 20 Everyday Things It’s Okay to Lie About.
Crying at Google commercials
What is it with those ads? Are they trying to turn everybody into weeping messes? We can control ourselves if other people are around. But if we’re alone and one of those commercials come on, it’s waterworks time. And for commercials that will make you laugh, check out the 30 Funniest Celebrity Commercials.
Talking to your pet like it’s a real person
Um, you do realize that Chairman Meow doesn’t comprehend language, right? He’s a cat. That blank stare means he’s just waiting for you to give him food or scratch his belly. And for more on our strange lives with pets, check out these 20 Celebrities Who Look Like Their Pets!
Running water in the bathroom for extra privacy
It’s only slightly embarrassing because the people who hear running water know exactly what you’re doing.
Eating your kids’ Kraft Macaroni and Cheese while they’re away
Admit it: You’ve fed this to them so many times, and stolen so many little bites, that you couldn’t wait for your house to be deserted so you could make an entire batch all for yourself! Next time, consider one of the 50 Foods That Will Make You Look Younger.
Gossiping about someone and then realizing they’re totally in earshot
We know. You just want to crawl into a hole and hide—forever.
Wearing headphones with no music just because you don’t want anyone talking to you
Without the music, you’re just being rude. But with headphones, it’s like you’ve magically lost the ability to communicate with people. Hey, it’s not your fault for being anti-social, it’s the Chance the Rapper tunes blaring in your ears.
You leap onto your bed to avoid the monster underneath it
At the age of 45. Hey, all we can say is that an active imagination is a good thing!
Pretending not to see someone in public you don’t like
“Did they see me?,” you wonder to yourself. “No, they didn’t see me! I’ll just keep walking… Don’t look back, you’re nearly home free…” We hate to say it, but they definitely saw you.
Accidentally liking a crush’s photo on Instagram
Oh, and it’s too late to undo it. They already know.
Playing cheesy music on your headphones at work that aren’t plugged in
Now all your work colleagues know that One Direction is your office jam!
Imagining narration of your life like a Hollywood movie trailer
“In a world filled with danger and intrigue, where one false move could get you killed, Wonder Woman makes the bold decision… to microwave a burrito for lunch!”
Surreptitiously putting back the produce you dropped at the grocery store
The five-second rule doesn’t count if you haven’t paid for it yet!
Yelling at fictional characters on TV
There are two problems with this. Number one, they aren’t real people. They’re fictional creations performed by actors who have memorized scripts. Number two, and perhaps most important: They can’t hear you. They’re a recording of something that happened a long time. Oh forget it, keep yelling, maybe they’ll listen this time.
Watching reality TV
Hey, there’s a reason they call it a “guilty” pleasure.
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