30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Relationship Advice
"Men should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, disposable."
Celebrities might not live like the rest of us, but their relationships still have the same problems. They experience love and heartbreak and the challenges of making a relationship work the same as anyone else.
These celebs have some pretty hilarious tips on how to keep the romance alive, from separate bathrooms to creeping around the house undetected. The advice might not be practical, but it is always funny. And if you’re looking for something a little more on the useful side, check out 50 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love.
“When you’re married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you’re single, you wanna kill yourself. If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love.” — Chris Rock
And for more killer jokes, check out the 50 Stupid Knock Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up.
On the Ideal Man
“Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, disposable.” — Cher
And for more timeless one-liners from extraordinary women, check out these 20 Timeless One-Liners from History’s Extraordinary Women.
“In 10 years, when the dopamine has waned, remember: Life is a crazy ride. It’s a privilege to go through it with a partner.” — Kristen Bell
And if you’re in it for the long haul, you should definitely know 11 Surprising Ways Your Partner Impacts Your Health.
On Meeting the Fam
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler
If you can’t avoid family introductions, look for the 6 Signs His Relationship With His Mother Is a Total Dealbreaker.
On Physical Affection
“Grab a lot. I don’t know if that’s helpful for couples, but for us, I think it’s great.” — Gabrielle Union
If you’re looking for other ways to keep the spark going, check out 50 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Fresh.
“I don’t bring up exes. I don’t remember them or have any fond memories. I didn’t know anything until my wife came along.” — Steve Harvey
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
On Telling the Truth
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni
“Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'” — Rita Rudner
You can add this to the list of 40 Relationship Tips That Are Actually Terrible.
“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom!” — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Makes sense. After all, being messy is one of The 50 Worst Pet Peeves That Grind on Relationships.
“Listen to the woman, man. She’s always right. Even when you don’t always think that’s the case, make her feel like it is. Trust me.” — Adam Levine
On Being Present
“I live in a house full of women, so [the secret is] just to be as quiet as possible.” — Tim McGraw
“If you text ‘I love you,’ and the person writes back an emoji, no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“As long as you know most men are like children, you know everything.” — Coco Chanel
“Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
On Workplace Romance
“Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.” — Andy Warhol
“Never floss with a stranger.” — Joan Rivers
“We had to break up, though. We wanted different things: like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.” — Amy Schumer
On True Love
“It’s probably not love if you don’t press your face to the toilet seat after they’ve used it to feel their warmth.” — Rob Delaney
“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day…and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” — Mae West
“Don’t get divorced.” — Jamie Lee Curtis
“The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.” — Alfred Hitchcock
“A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” — Lucille Ball
On Opening Your Heart
“Don’t treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used. And don’t try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a ‘Batman’ with a limited-edition silver battering and therefore if it stays in its original packing, it increases in value.” — Amy Poehler
On Mending a Broken Heart
“Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.” — Miss Piggy
“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally
On Being a Good Spouse
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
On Making Out
“I don’t think it’s exclusive to entertainment couples. I wouldn’t even think of us as an entertainment couple, but I don’t know. Probably kissing.” — Julia Roberts
On Finding the One
“What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” — Mike Birbiglia
Not sure what you’re looking for in a partner? Check out 15 Signs Your Partner Is Marriage Material.
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