30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Relationship Advice

"Men should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, disposable."

30 Funniest Pieces of Celebrity Relationship Advice

Celebrities might not live like the rest of us, but their relationships still have the same problems. They experience love and heartbreak and the challenges of making a relationship work the same as anyone else.

These celebs have some pretty hilarious tips on how to keep the romance alive, from separate bathrooms to creeping around the house undetected. The advice might not be practical, but it is always funny. And if you’re looking for something a little more on the useful side, check out 50 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love.

Chris Rock relationship advice

On Murder

“When you’re married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you’re single, you wanna kill yourself. If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love.” — Chris Rock

And for more killer jokes, check out the 50 Stupid Knock Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up.

Cher celebrity rider

On the Ideal Man

“Men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, disposable.” — Cher

And for more timeless one-liners from extraordinary women, check out these 20 Timeless One-Liners from History’s Extraordinary Women. 

kristen bell v-day message to dax shephard

On Marriage

“In 10 years, when the dopamine has waned, remember: Life is a crazy ride. It’s a privilege to go through it with a partner.” — Kristen Bell

And if you’re in it for the long haul, you should definitely know 11 Surprising Ways Your Partner Impacts Your Health.

Chelsea Handler celebrities who look like their pets

On Meeting the Fam

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler

If you can’t avoid family introductions, look for the 6 Signs His Relationship With His Mother Is a Total Dealbreaker.

Dwayne Wade happily married

On Physical Affection

“Grab a lot. I don’t know if that’s helpful for couples, but for us, I think it’s great.” — Gabrielle Union

If you’re looking for other ways to keep the spark going, check out 50 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Fresh.

Family Feud

On Exes

“I don’t bring up exes. I don’t remember them or have any fond memories. I didn’t know anything until my wife came along.” — Steve Harvey

Will Ferrell

On Patience

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

Richard Jeni in The Mask

On Telling the Truth

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni

Rita Rudner on custody

On Weekends

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'” — Rita Rudner

You can add this to the list of 40 Relationship Tips That Are Actually Terrible.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

On Housekeeping

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom!” — Catherine Zeta-Jones

Makes sense. After all, being messy is one of The 50 Worst Pet Peeves That Grind on Relationships.

Adam Levine and wife Behati Prinsloo

On Arguments

“Listen to the woman, man. She’s always right. Even when you don’t always think that’s the case, make her feel like it is. Trust me.” — Adam Levine

Tim McGraw marriage advice

On Being Present

“I live in a house full of women, so [the secret is] just to be as quiet as possible.” — Tim McGraw



Chelsea Peretti celebrity marriage advice

On Texting

“If you text ‘I love you,’ and the person writes back an emoji, no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti

Jerry Seinfeld marriage advice

On Strategy

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Coco Chanel

On Men

“As long as you know most men are like children, you know everything.” — Coco Chanel

Zsa Zsa

On Husbands

“Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Andy Warhol, inspiring quotes

On Workplace Romance

“Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.” — Andy Warhol

Joan Rivers at Howard Stern Roast

On Hygiene

“Never floss with a stranger.” — Joan Rivers

amy schumer average people celebrities

On Children

“We had to break up, though. We wanted different things: like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.” — Amy Schumer

Rob Delaney relationship advice

On True Love

“It’s probably not love if you don’t press your face to the toilet seat after they’ve used it to feel their warmth.” — Rob Delaney

wittiest put downs

On Boyfriends

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day…and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” — Mae West

Jamie Lee Curtis marriage advice

On Divorce

“Don’t get divorced.” — Jamie Lee Curtis

On Communication

“The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.” — Alfred Hitchcock

On Tact

“A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” — Lucille Ball

Actress Amy Poehler

On Opening Your Heart

“Don’t treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used. And don’t try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a ‘Batman’ with a limited-edition silver battering and therefore if it stays in its original packing, it increases in value.” — Amy Poehler

Kermit and Miss Piggy get married

On Mending a Broken Heart

“Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.” — Miss Piggy

Megan Mullally marriage advice

On Listening

“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally

seinfeld funniest tv commercials

On Being a Good Spouse

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

julia roberts celebrity anti aging tips

On Making Out

“I don’t think it’s exclusive to entertainment couples. I wouldn’t even think of us as an entertainment couple, but I don’t know. Probably kissing.”  — Julia Roberts

Mike Birbiglia relationship advice

On Finding the One

“What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” — Mike Birbiglia

Not sure what you’re looking for in a partner? Check out 15 Signs Your Partner Is Marriage Material.

To discover more amazing secrets about living your best life, click here to sign up for our FREE daily newsletter!

Filed Under
Best Life
Live smarter, look better,​ and live your life to the absolute fullest.
Get Our Newsletter Every Day!
Enter your email address to get the best tips and advice.
close modal
close modal