25 Funniest Newspaper Headlines of All Time
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Most news media exists online these days, which is a shame. There’s something beautiful about the experience of reading a print newspaper; the fresh ink on your fingers, the smell of newsprint, and of course, the occasional bizarre and (unintentionally) funny newspaper headlines. We’ll admit, we miss the world in which once a news story was out there, it couldn’t be altered. An online news story can be continually tweaked and improved and even deleted entirely. But once a newspaper has hit the stands or your front porch, there are no do-overs.
If a headline reads “Meteorite may be from space” or “Slowdown continues to accelerate,” that’s the way it’s going to read forever. Here are 25 of our favorite funny newspaper headlines, which probably could have used another edit before they went to the printing press. Their loss, our gain. For more laughs, check out these 40 Random Facts So Funny You’ll Be Dying to Tell Your Friends About Them.
“Forecasters call for weather on Monday”
The folks at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette make no promises about Tuesday. Enjoy the weather on Monday while you have it because the rest of the week could contain no atmosphere whatsoever. And for more total silliness in addition to these funny headlines, check out these 30 Funniest Celebrity Memes.
“Amphibious pitcher makes debut”
We knew Aqua Man had bigger ambitions than just being the guy in Super Friends who can call dolphins. And for more laughs, check out these 30 Funniest Photos of Celebrities as Teens.
“Cows lose their jobs as milk prices drop”
It’s always heartbreaking when a cow can’t bring in a steady income—but we’re guessing that’s not quite what the editors behind this unintentionally funny newspaper headline from The Baltimore Sun had in mind. For more animal humor, check out the 40 Funniest Jokes About Animals.
“Miracle cure kills fifth patient”
You may want to look up the definition of the word “cure.” We’re pretty sure you’re confusing it with “deranged hospital serial killer.”
“Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney”
Said his new lawyer, “I just realized I failed my bar exam. So sorry, gotta run!” For more lawyerly quips, check out these 20 Hilarious Things Actually Said in Court.
“State population to double by 2040, babies to blame”
Is it too late to stop this nefarious plot by babies? They may be small, but they’re sneaky.
“Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement”
This supposed improvement doesn’t include being able to correctly spell the state where they live. To catch a glimpse of greatness in every state of this great country, check out The Best Joke Written About Every U.S. State.
“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”
A groundbreaking discovery brought to you by the same scientific minds who discovered the link between walking and leaving the house.
“Police arrest everyone on February 22nd”
So that’s where grandma went! For more jokes of the childish variety, check out the 50 Jokes from Children That Are Crazy Funny.
“Thursday is cancelled”
Can we cancel Friday too and just make it a four-day weekend?
“Bridge closure date: Thursday or October”
Since Thursday’s been canceled, we better plan for October.
“Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking”
Well, that’s weird, we thought most of the damage was caused by hurtful sarcasm. You know how mean-spirited earthquakes can be.
“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”
Imagine if they’d raided a gun shop and found nothing but adorable puppies. And for more great jokes, don’t miss these Hilarious Tweets Every Retail Worker Can Relate To.
“Safety meeting ends in accident”
Next time maybe you should have an accident meeting. It’s the only way to keep people safe.
“Muddy Creek Problem: It’s too muddy”
Now that that’s solved, can we figure out what’s going on with Trash-Filled Lake?
“Murderer says detective ruined his reputation”
He was a respected member of his community who occasionally murdered people until that meddling lawyer came along. And if you’d rather see your favorite celebrities dressed in orange than read these funny newspaper headlines, check out The 20 Funniest Celebrity Mugshots.
“Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”
Hold on, let’s hear them out. Give us one good reason not to take poison and we’ll consider it.
“Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs”
Whatever that entomologist paid for his education, it was too much.
“Students Cook & Serve Grandparents”
We know the school cafeteria options aren’t great, but please don’t have to resort to grandparent cannibalism!
“Alton attorney accidentally sues himself”
It almost renews your faith in our legal system, doesn’t it?
“Hospitals resort to hiring doctors”
Who was their first choice? A guy with a pocket wrench and a “general idea” of human anatomy who works for minimum wage? This is one of those funny newspaper headlines that is actually frightening.
“Farmer using cannon to protect watermelons”
Hope he’s not using his watermelons as cannonballs. That would kind of defeat the purpose.
“Voters to vote on whether to vote”
If they vote against voting, does that mean they’ve broken the law by voting not to vote? This one might be one of our favorite funny newspaper headlines ever. For more natural writing ability, check out these 30 Funniest Jokes in Popular Songs.
“Museums full of history”
Great observation. Here’s another one: Your writers are out of story ideas.
“Goat accused of robbery”
The worst part is, the goat was out on parole. For more laughs, check out these 30 Funniest Celebrity Pet Moments.
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