Technology’s been evolving constantly, but sometimes we have it too good. We fill our houses and our lives with home appliances we don’t need, all in the name of convenience. Can you imagine what our great-great-grandparents would think of all the ridiculous things modern people depend on?
Running water and the cell phones are one thing. But try telling them that you can’t live without a fork that reminds you to eat slower (yeah, right), or a device that’ll count your eggs (we have no comment). What follows are the 30 silliest, zaniest, most mind-bogglingly useless home appliances that have ever been invented. So read on and cringe.
Are you running a Mexican restaurant? If not, there’s no reason to own this. If you’re making quesadillas in such staggering numbers that a skillet and spatula alone can’t do the job, you have a quesadilla problem, my friend.
Electric Martini Maker
When James Bond asked for his martinis to be “shaken, not stirred,” he didn’t mention anything about the shaking being done by a machine. In case you’ve forgotten, here’s The One and Only Way to Really Make a Martini.
You’ve already got a device to warn you when you’re running low on eggs—it’s called your eyes. And they’re free!
Automated Floss Dispenser
We’ll tell you what: Give us the $30 and we’ll pull the floss out for you.
Solid Gold Coffee Maker
Even daydreaming about owning this makes you morally indistinguishable from Mr. Burns on The Simpsons.
Who can forget this classic line from Alice in Wonderland: “Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice. “Wait, never mind, I can’t get the app to load. Let’s just have some tepid water.” And for more silly fun, check out the 100 Slang Terms from the 20th Century No One Uses Anymore.
Baseball Bay Pepper Grinder
You know there’s another use for a baseball bat, right? If we throw a baseball at you, are you gonna try and pepper it?
Smartphone Controlled Kitty Water Fountain
The sales pitch for this product’s IndieGogo campaign promises to help you “keep tabs on your kitten’s water-intake right on your smartphone.” Congratulations, you just described the routine of the loneliest person on the planet.
Thank goodness somebody finally said, “How can I make a S’more without the bonfire or social interactions or any sense of fun? I just want the chocolate and marshmallows without any of the human contact!” Give us s’less, please.
If it looks like a salad, it shouldn’t smell like chocolate cake. Why are you trying to aggravate your taste buds? This product promises to release “different aromas that enhance the flavors of food.” No, it releases different aromas that trick your brain.
Mini Desk Vacuum
What kind of messes are you making at your desk that require a miniature (yet adorable, admittedly) vacuum cleaner?
Mini Donut Factory
No. Just no.
Bruno, the Smart Trash Can
Call us old-fashioned, but we don’t think a trashcan should have a name. Isn’t that the first step to a robot revolution?
Monogrammed Barbecue Branding Iron
We don’t care how delicious your steaks are, we’re not eating anything with your initials on it.
A piggy bank that helps you keep track of saving digitally and set financial goals. Sounds good so far. Oh, but wait, it only accepts coins. If your financial goals only involves things you find in the couch cushions, it might be time to aim a little higher. And for (much) better ways of socking away dough, don’t miss the 52 Ways to Be Smarter with Money.
Electric Wine Opener
If working a corkscrew is just too damn difficult, allow us to make a suggestion: You’ve had enough wine. Time to go to sleep.
Star Trek Borg Cube Fridge
This dorm-worthy mini-fridge asks the essential question: Can you truly enjoy an icy cold beverage if it hasn’t been soaking in green light inside a mini-fridge designed to look like a fictional spaceship? The answer is yes, which means this product is entirely useless.
Is that what we’re calling “a pan” these days?
Soft Pretzel Makes With Cheese Dip Warmer
Is there anything worse than making a pretzel and then realizing that you forgot to warm up the cheese dip? Well, yes, actually, there is. It’s called “Literally any other thing that could ever happen to you in your life.”
Treat Tossing Dog-Watching Wi-Fi Cam
Nothing lets a dog know that he’s loved and missed quite like a robot that releases doggie-bag-shaped treats.
Refrigerator with TV and Internet Connection
It’s a nightmare that too many American families have had to endure. How do you go to the refrigerator to get a snack while simultaneously watching TV and scrolling through Facebook? Haven’t we suffered enough?
A Mattress That Catches Cheaters in the Act
You know you’ve got a solid marriage when you’ve both agreed to sleep on a mattress with transmitters that detect movement so that nobody tries to bone the mailman.
Musical Cake Server
Perfect for eating a birthday cake alone and wishing somebody, even a piece of cutlery, would sing “happy birthday” to you.
Self-Refilling Wine Glass
For all the people who dream of saying, “Man, my head is throbbing. How much did I drink last night? Oh yeah, that’s right, the self-refilling glass. I guess we’ll never know!”
A Fork That Tells You to Stop Eating So Fast
Yeah, like you’re gonna listen to a fork…
Wi-Fi Scent Dispenser
Your phone can do everything else. So why not give it the ability to make any room in your house smell instantly like watermelon Jolly Rancher or sizzling bacon? Oh yeah, that’s right, because it’s freaking stupid.
Waffle Bowl Maker
It’s not just the bowl made of waffles that’s terrifying to us. What are you putting in that bowl? Maple syrup? Are you going to drink maple syrup like soup now?
The “Smart” Toilet
There’s so much wrong going on here. Nobody should be controlling their toilet with a phone app—everything about a toilet is user friendly and pretty self-explanatory.
iPod Stereo Dock and Toilet Paper Dispenser
We love our tunes too, but there are moments in life when you can take a break from them. Like when you’re in the can.
Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
For a quick way to scare anyone away from your shower, buy this.