20 Hilarious Things Actually Said in Court

It has been ruled: these quips are downright sidesplitting.

judge Things Said in Court
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There's nothing funny about being in a courtroom. Whether you're in the jury or on the witness stand or on trial yourself, it's a tense and nail-biting environment. Which just make the unexpected moments of levity all the more hilarious. Yes, believe it or not, it really does happen. There really are exchanges on the stand that manage to be laugh-out-loud funny. How do we know this? Because most trials have stenographers recording everything being said; they write down the good and the bad, and occasionally the ridiculous.

Here are 20 things that were actually said in a court of law, which are all the more uproarious because it's the last place anyone would expect to crack a smile. For more laughs, check out these 40 Corny Jokes You Can't Help But Laugh At.

1
Death by autopsy

Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

For more laughs, check out the 40 Best Jokes About Turning 40.

2
At least he's being honest

Judge Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man—

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

For more hilarity, read up on these The Best Joke Written About Every U.S. State.

3
The defense calls… the Bearded Lady!

Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

4
First way to identify a murder victim: Are they dead currently?

Things Said in Court

LAWYER: What happened then?

WITNESS: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

LAWYER: Did he kill you?

WITNESS: No.

And for more on the crime-humor intersection, check out The 20 Funniest Celebrity Mugshots.

5
Try to get her name right

Things Said in Court
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LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

LAWYER: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

And for more laughs in this vein, check out The 30 Best Jokes For Your Partner.

6
All responses must be oral

oral Things Said in Court

LAWYER: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

Next, don't miss the 50 Puns So Bad They're Actually Hilarious.

7
When witnesses don't have x-ray vision

judge Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?

WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.

LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?

WITNESS: Er…his face.

8
Can you do the thing you just said you couldn't do?

confused man Things Said in Court

LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

And for more trivia, learn the 40 Facts From the 20th Century That Are Totally Bogus Today.

9
If two people died and one is still alive … well, you do the math

dead husband Things Said in Court
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LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

10
Are you drunk right now?

drunk man Things Said in Court
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LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

11
A lawyer gets burned

Side gigs research lawyer Things Said in Court

LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

12
Basic anatomy

duh, things millennials say Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?

WITNESS: I could see his head.

LAWYER: And where was his head?

WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.

13
There's a lot of lumber, not lumbar, in the woods

lumbar region Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

14
Why you should never do an autopsy on the living

Male Doctor Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

15
Birthdays have a way of repeating

secretly hilarious things

LAWYER: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

LAWYER: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

Next, check out the 100 Awesome Facts About Literally Everything.

16
The world's most difficult SAT question

Things Said in Court

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

17
How to perform an autopsy

autopsy Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

18
Math is hard

wisdom old man men over 40 Things Said in Court

LAWYER: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

19
Dead people tend to know more or less immediately that they're dead

chest compressions, cpr, cardiac arrest Things Said in Court

LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

20
When a murder isn't a murder

Woman Reporting Missing Person Things You Believed That Aren't True

LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

WITNESS: The victim lived.

And for some more fascinating criminality, bone up on America's 30 Most Fascinating Unsolved Mysteries.

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