50 Hilarious Jokes to Send Your Dad This Father's Day

1 | I can't take my dog to the pond anymore—the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

2 | Not to brag, but I made six figures last year.

I was also named "worst employee" at the toy factory.

3 | My wife and I have decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty badly.

4 | If prisoners could take their own mug shots...

They'd be called cell-fies!

5 | I used to run a dating service for chickens.

But I was struggling to make hens meet.

6 | Today my son asked me, "Can I have a book mark?"

It broke my heart. He still doesn't know that my name is Mike!

7 | My daughter just asked me, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you!?"

What an odd way to begin a conversation.

8 | My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working."

I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

9 | I'd like to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He always wanted to be a millionaire too.

10 | My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."

"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked.

"2:30," he said.

11 | Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weakdays!

12 | I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 18 siblings, but they didn't have any clue either.

13 | Did you know that the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece!

14 | My wife and I were up all night arguing about laundry.

At 2:00 a.m., I folded.

15 | I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out...

16 | What word starts with an "e," ends with an "e," and has only one letter in it?

"Envelope."

17 | What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

18 | After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?

Because he had a ton of sick beets!

19 | Summer is finally here.

I got so excited I wet my plants!

20 | What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Un-bee-leave-able.

21 | Where do criminal rainbows go?

Prism.

22 | A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.

23 | I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

24 | I just found out I'm colorblind.

The news came out of the purple!

25 | "How do I look?" the mom asked, showing off her new outfit.

"With your eyes," the dad responded.

26 | My dad taught me to make the little things count.

So now I'm teaching math to mice!

27 | I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old this morning.

There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends."

Anyway, he was very nice and gave me some good tips on how to be more sociable.

28 | My wife got mad at me for kicking all the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's all water under the fridge.

29 | Do you know the three unwritten rules of life?

1.

2.

3.

30 | The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

31 | I'm reading a horror story in braille.

Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

32 | If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…

I'll kill him with my bear hands.

33 | Sometimes in the middle of the night, my wife will shout out things like "Hobbit," "Mordor," or "Gandalf!"

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

34 | A kid decides to burn his house down.

His dad watches, tears in his eyes, and puts his arm around the mom and says, "That's ar-son."

35 | What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philippe Flop.

36 | I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson...

"But Dad," he said, "your name is Frank."

"I know," I told him. "But I was named after Thomas Jefferson."

37 | What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?

Bi-son.

38 | I hate it when people say age is only a number.

"Age" is clearly a word.

39 | Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer?

He just couldn't see himself doing it!

40 | What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

41 | My dad always said, "Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and convince her to marry you."

"She knows how to make bad decisions and is prepared to stick with them."

42 | What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

43 | This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor woman thought the cat understood her.

When I got home, I told my dog. We laughed and laughed.

44 | What's an optimistic vampire's favorite drink?

B-positive.

45 | I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

46 | Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't too sure about that... But I could do a wicked "Bohemian Rhapsody!"

47 | As I get older and remember all the people I lost along the way, I think to myself…

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

48 | What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

49 | One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

That's when I realized my whole life is joke.

50 | My boss texts me: "Send me one of those funny Father's Day jokes."

Me: "I can't. I'm busy working."

Boss: "That's hilarious! Send me another one!"

And for more ways to make pops laugh, show him these 50 Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Hilarious!

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