Life is filled with awkward moments, where we don’t quite know what to say and the silence only seems to make everything worse. There’s no elegant way to remove ourselves from these excruciating situations, and sometimes we wish there was just some ridiculous, punny joke to break the tension. It wouldn’t make things less awkward, but at least we’d be briefly distracted by laughter. Even “I can’t believe he just said that” laughter is better than more overanxious, nerve-racking silence.
Well, you’re in luck. We’ve collected 20 of the most hilarious jokes that are perfect distractions for every type of awkward scenario. They might not save you, but they definitely won’t make things any worse. And for more great jokes, check out these 50 Amazing Jokes You Can Text to Friends.
If you just forgot someone’s name or called someone by the wrong name…
“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory… He made me pay in advance!”
Also, sounds like you could use a few of the 20 Simple Ways to Improve Your Memory.
If you’re on a first date and it’s not going well…
“I moved into a bungalow recently… I was going to move into a house, but that’s another storey!”
And for more on first dates, check out these 40 Irresistible First Date Ideas.
If you’re giving a speech to a crowd full of strangers…
“Before coming here tonight I was discussing my talk with my wife and she said to me: ‘Don’t try to be too charming, too witty or too intellectual… Just be yourself.’”
Zing! And for more great laughs, check out these 50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends.
If you’ve forgotten the birthday of somebody important…
“I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.”
And for some birthday inspiration, check out The 50 Best Birthday Gifts For Your Wife.
If the car mechanic is explaining what’s wrong with your car and you have no clue what any of it means…
“I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.”
If you’re also addicted to great memes, check out these 30 Funniest Memes of All Time.
If somebody with whom you disagree politically wants to discuss conflicts in the Middle East…
“The people in Saudi Arabia don’t really like the Flintstones… But the people of Abu Dhabi do!”
And for more dumb humor, here are 50 Puns So Bad They’re Actually Funny.
If you’re the only adult in a room full of children…
“Statistically, six out of seven Dwarfs are not Happy.”
And for more wonderfully awful kids’ jokes, check out these 50 Jokes From Children That Are Crazy Funny.
If you’re getting dressed in the gym and the guy at the next locker keeps talking to you…
“I’ve started going up to people’s doors and preaching about my new gym… It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness!”
And for some up-to-the-minute humor, here are the 10 Funniest Tweets About Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional Testimony.
If you’re getting a haircut and you’re out of conversation topics for the barber…
“I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.”
And to find your next best haircut, try one of these 15 Best Men’s Haircuts for Looking Instantly Younger.
If you’re having breakfast with your girlfriend’s parents and she’s still asleep…
“I can’t eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I’m lack-toast intolerant.”
For more groaners, here are 40 Dumb Wordplay Jokes That Will Crack You Up.
If you’re making a wedding toast for a couple you barely know…
“Don’t you think it’s amazing that 200 of us all came together tonight and we all chose the same meal?”
To avoid further awkward wedding moments, steer clear of the 20 Things You Should Never Do at Weddings.
If you’re the oldest (and most employed) person at a comics convention…
“Q: How many ears does Spock have?
A: Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!”
If you’re at a dinner party and you spilled your drink on the host’s rug…
“I spilled some vodka on my carpet once, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.” (Credit: Mitch Hedberg)
And for more jokes, check out these 40 Corny Jokes You Can’t Help But Laugh At.
If you’re talking to parents you don’t know at a playdate…
“No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.” (Credit: Sarah Thyre)
If your best friend wants your honest opinion about his singing abilities…
“How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.”
If you’re in a job interview that you’re pretty sure you’re tanking…
“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”
OK, but seriously: To nail your next job interview, know the 15 Answers That Will Tank Any Job Interview.
If you’re at a doctor’s appointment in which you’re maybe not being entirely truthful about your health history….
“Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Only if you aim it well enough!”
If you’re talking to your company’s IT guy…
“Why do they call it hypertext? Too much JAVA!”
If you’re talking to a cat owner who thinks their pet is “family…”
“A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.”
If you’re being told by your tax accountant that you’re probably going to be audited…
“I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say ‘No, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.’” (Credit: Jimmy Kimmel)
If you don’t want to get audited, these are the 5 Best Ways to Avoid Getting Audited by the IRS.
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