1 | "If we get a dog, I promise I'll take it for walks and feed it."

Always effective, and we always hope it's true. But we know how this turns out: Mom and Dad are the primary caretakers of this poor animal.

2 | "The school didn't send out report cards yet."

As every parent knows, report cards always seem to find a way to show up late. If only those schools could get their act together!

3 | "If you let me (blank), I'll never ask you for anything else ever again!"

If I can get that in writing, and have it notarized by a lawyer, I'll totally believe you. Until then, I'll be awaiting your next request.

4 | "I need the money for books."

Yes, if by "books," you actually mean "candy" or "toys."

5 | "He started it!"

Nobody says this unless they've been caught red-handed and don't want to be take the rap alone. Odds are, whoever you're ratting out didn't start it—they're just a co-conspirator.

6 | "I think I'm too sick to go to school today."

No actual sick person says this. If you're feverish or nauseated, you don't have time for indecisive pondering. You just want to be left alone to moan in the dark.

7 | "Dad said I could."

Was Dad looking at his phone when he said that? Yeah, here's the truth: Dad didn't hear a word you said.

8 | "I'm fine."

It's not the denial, it's how the denial is said—with folded arms, a big frown, a furrowed brow, and an expression that practically screams, "I am so mad right now."

9 | "My phone died."

One thing we know for sure: Your most beloved gadget on earth is never, ever dead.

10 | "The party is chaperoned."

You do realize that a "chaperone" means a grown-up and not just a friend, right?

11 | "I was late getting home because of traffic."

Nothing worse than getting stuck in midnight rush-hour gridlock. Oh wait, that doesn't happen.

12 | "Of course I ate the lunch you packed."

Sorry, but they definitely ditched the celery for some chips out of the vending machine.

13 | "I didn't block you on Facebook. That must be a mistake."

Congratulations on being the first person under 18 to be confounded by how social media privacy settings work.

14 | "I'll be super careful with the car!"

Just hearing this one gives us chills.

15 | "I have no idea how the car got damaged. Maybe somebody hit it when I was parked."

Oh sure, it's entirely plausible that you wouldn't have noticed the back bumper was dragging against the pavement, making a loud screeching noise, until the next day.

16 | "I'm just going to play this video game for two more minutes."

We believe it was Albert Einstein who once said, "the dividing line between past, present, and future is an illusion." In other words, you have no intention of turning off that video game in two minutes because time is meaningless—and also, we are not that naïve.

17 | "I've never tasted beer."

No, we're not laughing at you—we're laughing at our past selves who thought this was a believable lie when we were teenagers.

18 | "I would never pour bacon grease down the kitchen drain."

...says the young person who literally just poured bacon grease down the kitchen drain.

19 | "I forgot."

No, you didn't. When you're older and you're juggling too many responsibilities and your brain is overloaded with stress, you can say, "I forgot." As a kid, the best you can claim is, "Whatever you told me wasn't as interesting as video games."

20 | "The teacher didn't give us homework tonight."

Unless your teacher is going on strike tomorrow, sorry, we're having a hard time believing it.

21 | "He's not a boyfriend, he's just a friend."

Uh-huh. You're not fooling us, kiddo.

22 | "When you close the door, I'm going straight to sleep."

Works for us. No way you're hiding your phone under the blanket. But be forewarned, we have eyes everywhere.

23 | "I'll do it tomorrow."

Sure you will. We'll see about that tomorrow.

24 | "I didn't start the fight, I was breaking it up."

Of course you were. As Mahatma Gandhi once said—we're paraphrasing—"Be the change you wish to see in the world… with lots of shoving."

25 | "Of course I'm saving my allowance."

You know, buying all the candy is not considered an investment strategy.

26 | "I'm at the library doing homework."

Oh, really? The library is playing more EDM in the background than we remember.

27 | "Of course I'll wear that sweater you bought for me."

We all know that, best case scenario, that sweater is going stay in your closet until it decomposes.

28 | "I didn't lock my door. Maybe you didn't pull hard enough."

Yes, we swear we didn't hear it slam, too.

29 | "It's a clip-on nose ring."

So, you won't mind if I give it a tug?

30 | "I took the chicken out of the freezer when you told me."

How strange that it's still rock solid, then. Hmm.

31 | "I always drive the speed limit."

OK, then explain why our neighbors called us to say that someone resembling you, driving a car resembling ours, was drag-racing down the street.

32 | "I love our family vacations."

We know you would rather be anywhere else with your friends—you don't have spare our feelings.

33 | "I didn't order that. The cable company must've made a mistake."

Funny how the cable company keeps making that same mistake to homes with young fans of pay-per-view wrestling. Such an inexplicable coincidence!

34 | "I was up late studying."

Texting is not studying, sad to say.

35 | "I need an extra $20 for gas."

That gas tank always seems to be running on empty these days.

36 | "I got you a gift, it just hasn't shown up yet."

Maybe that's what you needed the $20 for!

37 | "I never got your text."

So weird! Especially when your phone always receives the texts from your friends!

38 | "I just cleaned my room. Somebody else must've come in and messed it up."

I've heard that our town was being terrorized by a bandit who breaks into homes just to cover bedrooms with toys and unmake beds. I can't believe it happened to us! Hold on, I'll call 9-1-1.

39 | "I already brushed my teeth."

Get back in there, we don't believe you.

40 | "I'm listening."

I'm sure you are. And whatever I'm saying sounds to you like the mangled trumpet of a Charlie Brown parent.

41 | "I’m pretty sure the movie’s PG-13."

Zombie Death Carnival—remind me: is that a Disney release?

42 | "But I did study my hardest!"

Naturally, "studying your hardest" in this context means borrowing a better prepared friend’s flash cards and cracking open the textbook an hour before the exam.

43 | "I definitely didn’t eat that."

Ah, so mice made that fork-shaped hole in your sister's birthday cake?

44 | "My friend’s parents always let them."

Of course your friend’s parents let them stay up all night long! You don't mind if we ask them, do you?

45 | "I don’t have to use the bathroom."

Until we've been on the road for 15 minutes and there are no rest stops in sight, right?

46 | "I’ll be home before curfew."

Clearly, it was my mistake not asking whose curfew you’d be home by.

47 | "I’m not embarrassed by you guys."

Sure, you’re not embarrassed by us—it’s just our clothes, friends, family photos, house, and the fact that we still say "I love you" when we drop you off at school.

48 | "I’m not tired."

Well-rested kids are notorious for practically nodding off in their cereal.

49 | "I never cut class."

You must have had a lot of back-to-back free periods to spend the whole day playing Fortnite!

50 | "I don’t care."

Ah, that practiced apathy. Just a warning, though: If you really don’t care, we’re going to make those decisions about where to eat for dinner, what clothes you’re getting for school, and where you apply to college. What’s that sound? A change of tune, perhaps? Let's work it out together.