33 Things No One Tells You About Being a Working Mom
When you leave the office, the real work has just begun.
Approximately 57 percent of mothers in the United States were gainfully employed in 2018, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. And those mothers are spending more time at the office than ever before, too. As per 2018 Pew Research Center data, the average mom works approximately 25 hours each week—that’s more than double the time most mothers spent at work just half a century ago.
However, while moms’ workdays may be getting longer, the hours mothers have to spend parenting aren’t getting any shorter. To gain more insight, read on to discover what it’s really like to be a working mom.
You might be excited to go back to work after your baby is born.
While your friends and co-workers may assume that your maternity leave was essentially a vacation, those long hours of feeding, bathing, changing, and rocking a baby aren’t exactly the most relaxing. Though people may ask how you ever found the wherewithal to go back to your job, returning to the land of stale coffee and adult interaction might actually feel like more of a break than your parental leave did.
To-the-minute scheduling is the only way to survive.
If you thought your calendar was jam-packed before, kids will definitely add a new layer of complexity to your scheduling struggle. The time you used to spend getting yourself ready in the morning is now time spent getting yourself dressed, as well as feeding, changing, clothing, and playing with your baby, dropping them off at daycare or handing them over to a babysitter, and still trying to get to work on time.
And if you want everyone ready for bed at a reasonable hour, there’s no margin for error, meaning that getting stuck in traffic for even a few minutes can throw off your entire evening routine.
You really will need a village to help you.
That whole “it takes a village” thing? It’s 100 percent true for working moms. From teachers and school administrators to family members and friends, you need a whole team behind you to do everything from remind you about your kid’s school projects and field trips to lending you a hand on those days your usual babysitter gets sick or your kid comes down with something.
Some people will assume you’re competitive with stay-at-home-moms.
Some moms work out of economic necessity and some moms stay at home for the same reason. Some moms work because they love it and some moms stay at home because they don’t. Regardless of your reasons for working or another mom’s reason for not working, you know there’s no bad blood between parents on either side of things—you’re all just trying to make it through the day with your sanity and bank accounts intact.
You’ll probably end up pulling more weight around the house than your partner.
Even if you and your partner had a relatively equitable division of labor before you had kids, that may be a thing of the past once you return to work. In families where both parents work full-time, moms still do significantly more housework than their male counterparts, according to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that was compiled between 2009 and 2013.
Your commute might start to feel like a break.
Minutes or even hours spent stuck in traffic or on a packed train may have once been frustrating, but that time that you can now use to catch up on a podcast or two—or to listen to music that wasn’t made by Raffi—might just feel like a welcome break now that you have children.
In fact, taking this time to yourself could make you a better parent in the long run. “When you are coming home from work, decompress,” suggests therapist and life coach Jaime Kulaga, Ph.D. “Do not be on the phone taking conference calls and checking email in traffic. Take the car ride home to listen to music or a podcast, stop off at the gym for a 15-minute workout. Decompress so you can be a better spouse and parent when you get home.”
People will assume you’re less capable.
Sure, you may have more on your plate as a working parent than you did pre-kids, but that probably won’t prepare you for the bizarre judgments of your co-workers. You might find yourself surprised by how frequently your once seemingly-supportive colleagues joke about you having “mommy brain” when you have even the slightest slip-up.
This is particularly true for moms who breastfeed—in fact, a 2011 study published in Personality and Psychology Bulletin reveals that nursing women were perceived as less competent and less hirable than non-breastfeeding women with the exact same qualifications.
Sleep deprivation will throw you off your game.
While you’re still capable of the same quality of work, you may feel like your brain isn’t quite firing on all cylinders—and that’s probably a result of sleep deprivation. Going from eight hours of sleep a night to an amount that might legally qualify as torture could throw anyone off their game, at least temporarily.
One 2017 study published in Nature Medicine found that sleep deprivation disrupts our brain cells’ ability to communicate with each other, leading to temporary mental lapses that can affect memory and the ways we perceive and react to the world around us. That could be why you’re taking just a tiny bit longer to craft the perfect email than you did pre-baby.
You’ll multitask in ways you never thought possible.
If you’re like most parents, you probably bring work home with you from time to time—and that means major multitasking. You’ll find yourself drafting emails while braiding hair, taking work calls while assembling school lunches, and rehearsing your presentations to an audience that would probably rather be watching Frozen.
Your “me time” is a thing of the past—at least for now.
If you’ve got relatively young kids, trying to balance your career and family may mean that the time you once enjoyed just for yourself is little more than a distant memory. You’re suddenly grocery shopping and cooking meals for more people, doing more laundry, cleaning more messes, attending to the grooming needs of people other than yourself, and spending your weekends at petting zoos and playdates. So squeezing in those gallery openings, yoga classes, and beauty treatments you once enjoyed might feel next to impossible. But know that it’s not forever!
People will make a lot of weird comments about your appearance.
Despite what movies and TV shows have made people think, it is possible for working mothers to find time to shower and put together office-appropriate outfits that don’t have spit-up on them. (And yes, you’ll probably find it a little annoying—and patronizing—when your boss compliments you for being able to make it out of the house wearing a matching pair of shoes.)
You’ll discover that every activity is geared toward stay-at-home parents.
Want to take your kid to a library story hour or gymnastics class? Good luck. As you’ll soon find out, virtually every activity for young kids takes place during traditional work hours.
You’ll probably have days where your stress levels are higher than you ever imagined.
What do a lack of sleep, long hours at work, and virtually no personal time add up to? A whole lot of stress. The juggling act working parents have to master isn’t easy, and can lead to stress levels unlike those you’ve ever experienced before. Fortunately, once you’ve figured how to get it all done (and you will!), you’ll be amazed at your own strength.
People will eagerly share their opinions about you working.
Being a working mom often means people assume you’re eager to hear their opinions of your work-life balance—even if they don’t have kids themselves. Even if others don’t support you working while parenting, science does! One 2018 study published in the journal Work, Employment, and Society found that girls raised in homes with working mothers are more likely to have successful careers. The research also showed that the children of working mothers are just as happy in adulthood as the children of stay-at-home moms.
You will order so much takeout.
Look, you’re not Ree Drummond. There’s only so much time you have in a day to make meals and get your work done—so if the two most-used apps in your phone are Postmates and DoorDash, don’t beat yourself up about it.
You’ll find yourself explaining why you work to people all the time.
People often seem to forget that work is actually an economic necessity for many moms, not a hobby they do to pass the time. And yes, there will be plenty of people who ask why you didn’t choose to stay home, but would never dream of asking a working dad the same thing.
Working from home isn’t the solution your boss thinks it is.
While working from home can be great, acting as though it enables moms to forgo childcare is unrealistic. Kids are living, breathing, snack-eating, attention-needing human beings, and not ones you can simply put in their rooms with a handful of books and toys for the day while you do your job.
Most parents who work at home will find that they need to hire a babysitter or find another form of childcare even for the times they’re in the house. (And working moms: Don’t even think about joining a conference call without hitting the “mute” button.)
People will act like putting your kid in childcare is wrong.
For every bad nanny or daycare out there, there are thousands of amazing ones that take great care of kids and make them smarter and more social, too. Unfortunately, that won’t keep people from insinuating that having anyone other than mom watch a child is akin to them being raised by a stranger.
You might not feel guilty at all.
Working moms are frequently told just how guilty they will—and maybe should—feel for being away from their kids five days a week. But you know what? You might not feel even the slightest hint of guilt about putting your skills to good use and showing your kids that moms can do anything dads—or child-free people—can do.
Your lunch hour is no longer a break.
While you may have worked through your lunch hour more than a few times prior to having kids, your mealtime will be even more divided once you have children. In addition to using that time to do your actual work, it’s spent booking your kids’ doctor’s appointments, signing them up for karate lessons, and outbidding people on eBay for that toy your child just can’t live without for their birthday.
You’ll need parent friends.
You will find that life is easier when you have some friends in the same boat. Whether you need someone who can pick up your kid when you’re running late or just somebody to commiserate with, those friends will be your lifeline at one point or another.
People will tell you how to manage your time.
If you ever express that you’re stressed or pressed for time to a co-worker—particularly one without kids—you might just get to enjoy their take on how you could be better managing your time. Didn’t you know that it should only take five minutes to get your kids to bed and that you could save yourself hours by exclusively buying from the prepared section at Whole Foods? A word of advice: Just smile, nod, and walk away—and then immediately text your parent friends about how ridiculous the whole exchange was.
Pumping breaks are not real breaks.
Unless you’re superhuman, you probably can’t pump and create a PowerPoint presentation at the same time. It’s just not a reality.
Your co-workers may think that those pumping breaks you take at work are akin to getting a legally-mandated midday nap, but they’re anything but relaxing. There’s nothing fun about being strapped to a noisy machine in a cold, empty office, just praying the lock on the door actually works.
You may have to loosen up those screen-time rules from time to time.
When you’ve got a crying toddler on your hands and work to finish, that extra episode of Peppa Pig will seem like the least of your worries—even if it pushes your child over their two-hour screen-time limit.
You’ll probably miss a field trip or two—or all of them.
Sure, you may tell yourself that you’ll make it to every school event. But as a working mom, you’re beholden to your boss as well as your kids. This means you’ll inevitably miss out on a few of your kids’ events—but don’t worry, your child likely won’t even remember that trip (much less who chaperoned it) five years from now.
You will manage to pack in so much quality time into so little actual time.
If you’re spending 40-plus hours away from your kid every week, you’ll become a master at packing tons of family fun into every minute you have with your child. Those weekends you used to spend sleeping in will suddenly be packed to the gills with trips to parks, museums, movies, and friends’ houses—and your kids will likely love every minute of it.
Your days will be so much longer than you ever imagined.
There used to be a beginning and an end to your days. But as a working parent, you’re always on call for somebody. Sure, your boss may know better than to bang down your door at 3 a.m., but your toddler who’s certain there’s a monster in their closet definitely didn’t get that memo.
Finding time to do errands will feel virtually impossible.
You’ve got work until 6 p.m., then dinner, bath time, bedtime, clean-up time, and maybe an hour to yourself before it’s time to hit the hay—and unfortunately, your dry cleaner, dentist, and local drugstore aren’t 24-hour businesses. Considering that a trip to the grocery store with your kids can turn into a three-hour ordeal, you’ll thank your lucky stars for play dates at other kids’ houses, and, quite frankly, Amazon.
Burnout is real.
Sometimes, it’ll feel like too much—because having a job and taking care of kids means you basically have a non-stop work schedule with no breaks. And while it may seem like a never-ending slog, before you know it, the kids will be able to take care of themselves—at least for a little while. That means that soon enough, you’ll have plenty of time to watch non-animated movies and get to that after-work yoga class again.
You’ll probably still be the first one your kids’ school calls.
Even if you and your partner both work full-time, you’ll likely still be the one fielding all the calls from your kids’ school. And, sadly for the husbands and boyfriends eager to be included in their kids’ social lives, you’ll probably be the only one invited to playgroups, too.
You’ll find reminders of your kids everywhere.
You might miss your kids while you’re at work, but don’t worry, you’ll find plenty of reminders of them wherever you go. In fact, you’re about 3,000 times more likely to find a Sophie the Giraffe teether in your purse than you are a ballpoint pen.
You’ll sometimes wish you could stay at home.
No matter how much you love your job, there will always be those unbearable days where you just wish you could be at home with your kids. Fortunately, the next morning you’ll wake up with the resolve to do it all over again.
But you may be a better parent because you don’t.
Just because you love your kids doesn’t mean you necessarily want to be around them 24 hours a day—and even parents who want to stay at home can’t always make it work financially. You may even find that your relationship with your kids is better when you’re not spending every second with them. If work makes you happier, healthier, and more financially stable, it’s likely to make you a better parent, too. And if you want to make the most of your time with your kid, start with these 23 Brilliant Ways to Be a Happier Parent.
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