The Most Hilarious Letters to Santa of All Time

"Your notty list is emty. Your good list is emty. And your life is emty."

The Most Hilarious Letters to Santa of All Time
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It’s easy for grownups to forget, but when you’re a kid, writing a letter to Santa comes with an almost unfathomable amount of pressure. This is the big man himself, the guy in the red suit who could feasibly bring you any toy you could ever imagine. With so much on the line, it’s no surprise that sometimes kids get a little unhinged. Their letters to Santa can be cute, sure, but they often also reveal more than they probably intended about their insecurities and anxieties and complicated relationship with the holiday. We love letters to Kris Kringle not just because the adorableness is off the charts, but because it’s when kids become like panicky adults negotiating with the IRS.

Here, you’ll find a roundup of some of our favorite letters to Santa, which simultaneously make us wish we were young again and feel eternally grateful that those years are behind us.

1
No time for chit-chat.

“Dear Santa,

How are you? Well, enough chit-chat. Lets get down to business. This year I want…

1. a big Space Lego set

2. some jelly beans

3. a sharks jacket  and hat

4. an AK-47 assult rifle

5. Any Nintedo game”

Okay, we’ll admit it, we like this kid’s style. It takes guts to cut to the chase with Santa like this—and then to ask for jelly beans and an AK-47 assault rifle, among other gifts, is equal parts distressing and hilarious. Even if Santa wanted to put this kid on the naughty list, he’d probably be a little too nervous to try. 

2
He wants $29 from Santa and not a penny more.

“my Revised santa list for Christmas. mike Jr.

1. Blackops three

2. PS4

3. hover board

4. golden watch

5. 29 Dollars

6. 3 golden chains”

The items on this kid’s gift wish list for Santa are all pretty bizarre: a hoverboard, golden watch, and three golden chains? But what most impressed us is his request for $29. Not $30, mind you. Exactly $29. It’s such a specific demand, and it just makes things more difficult for Santa. Seriously, you’re going to make Kris Kringle break a ten and show up with dollar bills?

3
Don’t drink and sleigh.

“Dear Santa if you want to grab a beer feel free to get the lot or Just one. PS the Fridge is near the door

From Flynn”

Anybody can leave out milk and cookies for Santa, but this kid knows how to really get on Santa’s good side. Not only does he welcome Santa to “grab a beer” while he’s dropping off presents, he also helpfully provides directions. “The fridge is near the door,” he writes. If we were his dad, we’re not sure if we’d be delighted or horrified that our son had just offered up free booze to a complete stranger. 

4
Don’t tell the parents!

“Dear Santa

all I want is a goldin rachrever or fish Puppy/orDog

I do not care? my pairint’s do not want a nother pet. but pleca do not tell theme if you do because we th will not let you.”

Kids asking Santa for a pet isn’t all that unusual, but we wonder how often it happens that a child specifically requests that Santa ignore their parent’s wishes. This kid wants a dog (or maybe a fish) and he’s well aware that his parents won’t approve. So what does he do? He asks Santa, “Please do not tell them… because they will not let you.” Ah, nothing says Christmas like conspiring with Saint Nick to outsmart your mom and dad. 

5
It’s a Christmas miracle.

“I wish my dad’s truck will be unstuck. If Santa can grant that wish it will be a miracle.”

We’re not sensing a lot of faith in dear old dad from Emily, who just wants her dad’s truck to be unstuck. Where is this truck stuck and how long has it been there? She doesn’t get into details, only sharing that she’s pretty sure Santa won’t be able to accommodate her. “If Santa can grant that wish,” she writes, with just a hint of sarcasm, “it will be a miracle.”

6
The boy who wanted to be an Elf on a Shelf.

“Dear, Santa me and my little Brother have been Ben tring oure our Best to Be good! But first things first I wou like to be a elf on the shelf ive I have Ben practicing I can sit on a shelf for like a half hour so far, And my Brouther Mickael wou love to Be a raindeer in fact hes practicing rite Now! he can fly two inchis! But heres what I want for christmas,”

All we can say about this kid is he might want to aim a little higher with his life goals. It’s great that he’s been practicing his elf-on-a-shelf skills, sitting on a shelf “for like a half hour so far.” But he doesn’t really need Santa’s blessing to make a career of this, any more than his brother Michael needs Santa’s permission to be a reindeer, though we’re pretty sure Santa would agree with us that we need video proof of Michael levitating “two inches” off the ground before we believe any of it.

7
Bring the pony… or else

“You better bring me a pony this year. 

Or there will be consequenses.”

You have to respect a child who knows what he wants and refuses to accept any substitutes. Though we’re a little nervous about what exactly he means by “there will be consequences.” Um, did he just threaten Santa?

8
Santa needs more veggies.

“Dear Santa,

I think you are a fat man and I’m not leaving you any cookies, because Mrs. Claus said your on a diet. You need to stay away from junk food and don’t eat to much on your trip around the world. That’s why I’m leaving you vegetables this year with Ultra Skim Milk. I hope you lose some wait, because will all those toys and you I start to fill sorry for Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Doner, Blitzen, and Rudolphe. I sure hope you brought everything I asked for. Well see you later since I didn’t see you this year in person, I hope to see you next year.”

Our first thought as we read this letter about Santa’s junk food diet is that the kid writing it is probably concerned about St. Nick’s health. But the more we read, nope, turns out she’s mostly concerned about the toys. The combined weight of Santa’s girth and all of the goodies promised to kids around the globe (including the letter writer) might be more than the reindeer are able to carry. 

9
A unicorn with digestive issues.

“I want a rainbow unicorn that poops icecream.

P.S. I better get it too!!!”

It’s insane enough that this kid asks not just for a unicorn, not just for a rainbow unicorn, but a rainbow unicorn who poops ice cream. That alone would’ve been completely bonkers. But no, the kid had to up the ante, doubling down on an already wackadoodle request with “And I better get it too!” That’s the letter to Santa equivalent of visiting a mall Santa, sitting on his lap, asking for the most outrageous gift imaginable, and then whipping out a switchblade and saying, “And I better get it too!”

10
That’s one vicious baby brother.

“Dear: Santa Claws

I don’t think are Baby brother should have presents this year. He is hurting us and he said you are trash. So think about giving him presents

From: A nice boy Thomas”

This letter would’ve gotten our attention with the “Santa Claws” misspelling alone, which we can only assume was intentional—seems like somebody is confusing Kris Kringle with Freddy Kruger—but what really sold us was his insistence on throwing his baby brother under the bus. Hey, maybe he’s being honest and his brother really is “hurting” the rest of the family, and actually has been talking smack about Santa, calling him “trash.” That could all be true. It just seems suspicious, that’s all we’re saying. Blaming a baby for abhorrent behavior so you get more presents? It’s just hard to take seriously.

11
All he wants for Christmas is his lizard.

“Dear Santa please find me my Lizard I miss him so much to and I only had him for one day so please find me my Lizard I gave you and your raindeer some treats

p.s. that’s all I want for christmas

p.s.s if you find him can you give him to me because I will put some thing over his Buckit so her or she can’t get out and I’ll clean out his or her bowl every time it get’s dirty and I won’t put him or her with the cray fish. So please find my lizard.

to Santa from Ross”

It’s kind of sweet that this Ross kid didn’t take the obvious tactic and ask Santa for a new lizard—because that’s definitely something Santa could’ve helped him with. But finding a missing lizard, who somehow escaped from his cage (or, if Ross’s letter is to be believed, his “bowl”) and is, in all likelihood, under a car tire somewhere? That’s a trickier request to accommodate. We feel for you, Ross. And kudos for the evocative illustrations.

12
Is there a backup Santa?

“Sear Santa,

My name is ella and I am 9. I have a question to ask you. What happens if you get sick on christmas eve? Would you have a back up santa if that happened. Happy holidays I only celebrate christmas.

From,

Ella

P.S. Santa how old are you? because you’ve been around for generations.”

Don’t lie, it’s something you’ve always wondered. One guy travels the world every year to deliver presents, and he’s the only one who can do it? Thank you, Ella, for finally asking the tough questions that we all want to know. And speaking of tough questions, we’re curious what you meant by ,“I only celebrate Christmas.” So… no Halloween? No Thanksgiving or Fourth of July or any other holiday? How about birthdays? Do you celebrate your birthday? Just Christmas? Okay then.

13
Santa with a side of fries.

“I want a order of french fries, a computer, and a chicken nugget.”

We totally get asking Santa for a computer, but the other two requests… well, um… you know that getting some French fries and a chicken nugget—seriously, you want a single nugget?—don’t require writing letters to magical elves who live in arctic wonderlands and only visit once a year to leave gifts under bedazzled trees. You can get both fries and nuggets fairly easily, and for just slightly more than the postage it cost to send that letter to Santa.

14
Please leave before 6:00 a.m.

“Dear Santa

Please Leave Before 6:00 AM

my Alarm goes of at 6:00

p.s my stocking is on the Left”

We have so many questions. Who sets an alarm on Christmas? And why so early? Who gets up at 6:00 a.m. on Christmas morning if they don’t work for Ebenezer Scrooge? Turn off your alarm! Also, we’re pretty sure Santa can find your stocking on his own. At least if you’d stop giving him such restrictive time limits.

15
Giving Santa an existential crisis.

We sense a lot of hostility in this letter. And we’re not entirely sure what they’re implying about Santa. His naughty list—sorry, “notty” list—is apparently empty, as is his good list. Which means… what exactly? That he’s terrible at record-keeping? That he doesn’t actually monitor the behavior of children? And what’s with that last diss? “Your life is empty.” Wow, that is harsh. So they’re claiming that Santa has no soul, or is emotionally vacant? Way to get all Nietzche on everybody’s favorite jolly old elf.

16
Santa loves kids who don’t flip him the bird.

“Dear Santa I am so Good and never say Bad words to now one not to my parints or the middle finger.

to Santa

forome Josie

P.S am I on the Good list.”

Josie clearly understands that there are only two things that matter to Santa Claus. One, have you said any bad words to your parents? And two, have you displayed your middle finger to them or anybody else? No? Okay, you’re all clear then. Josie is officially on the nice list. Just keep that middle finger in check, watch your potty mouth, and you’ll have a full stocking this season. 

17
Santa should be fired.

“Dear Santa Claus

I think you should be fired from your job because you skiped my house my house was yellow. I am very very upset that you skiped my house. I saw you and the Elves skip my house. I have one question to say. WHY DID YOU SKIP MY HOUSE? I don’t blivelive in santa claus anymore. And you are just a guy in a red soot that someone highered. you should be a shame of yourself. You are only doing this for money not because you love children or because have children not at all.

Sincerely Kimberly

P.S. you suck at your job! there you got what you deserve you are a facke.”

Somebody is very angry at Santa. Why? Well, obviously it’s because Santa SKIPPED HER HOUSE! I mean c’mon, Santa! Kimberly’s house was yellow! How do you miss a yellow house? She even saw you! It’s right there in the letter. “I saw you and the elves skip my house. WHY DID YOU SKIP MY HOUSE?” She makes a good point, except for the part about how you’re only doing it for the money. We’re not sure how anybody makes a profit giving away toys to strangers. But the rest of it, we’re totally in solidarity with her.

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