The Most Hilarious Santa Letters of All Time
These kids' letters to Santa are funnier than anything an adult could come up with.
It's easy for grown-ups to forget, but when you're a kid, writing a letter to Santa comes with an almost unfathomable amount of pressure. This is the big man himself, the guy in the red suit who could feasibly bring you any toy you could ever imagine. With so much on the line, it's no surprise that sometimes kids get a little unhinged. Their letters to Santa can be cute, sure, but kids often reveal more than they probably intended about their insecurities, their anxieties, and their complicated relationship with Christmas. Here you'll find a roundup of some of our favorite Santa letters, which make us wish we were young again—and feel eternally grateful that those years are behind us.
$29 and not a penny more
"my Revised santa list for Christmas. mike Jr.
1. Blackops three
3. hover board
4. golden watch
5. 29 Dollars
6. 3 golden chains"
The items on this kid's gift wish list for Santa are all pretty bizarre: a hoverboard, golden watch, and three golden chains? But what most impressed his father, Twitter user @B_Effin_G, is the request for $29. Not $30, mind you. Exactly $29. It's such a specific demand, and it just makes things more difficult for Santa. Seriously, you're going to make Kris Kringle break a 10 and show up with dollar bills?
Don't drink and sleigh
"Dear Santa if you want to grab a beer feel free to get the lot or Just one. PS the Fridge is near the door
Anybody can leave out milk and cookies for Santa, but this kid knows how to really get on Santa's good side. Not only does he welcome Santa to "grab a beer" while he's dropping off presents, he also helpfully provides directions. "The fridge is near the door," he writes. If this kid were our nephew—like the anonymous uncle who posted the letter on imgur—we'd be amused but concerned by his offer of booze.
A Christmas miracle
"I wish my dad's truck will be unstuck. If Santa can grant that wish it will be a miracle."
We're not sensing a lot of faith in dear old dad from Emily, who just wants her dad's truck to be unstuck. Where is this truck stuck and how long has it been there? She doesn't get into details in this letter shared by MisterValmar on Reddit, only suggesting that she's pretty sure Santa won't be able to accommodate her. "If Santa can grant that wish," she writes, with just a hint of sarcasm, "it will be a miracle."
The boy who wanted to be an Elf on a Shelf
"Dear, Santa me and my little Brother have
been Ben tring oure our Best to Be good! But first things first I wou like to be a elf on the shelf ive I have Ben practicing I can sit on a shelf for like a half hour so far, And my Brouther Mickael wou love to Be a raindeer in fact hes practicing rite Now! he can fly two inchis! But heres what I want for christmas,"
It's great that this kid has been practicing his elf-on-a-shelf skills, sitting on a shelf "for like a half hour so far," as he writes in a letter posted by mamaintheforest on Instagram. But he doesn't really need Santa's blessing to make a career of this, any more than his brother Michael needs Santa's permission to be a reindeer. (Though we're pretty sure Santa would agree with us that we need video proof of Michael levitating "two inches" off the ground before we believe any of it.)
Bring the pony… or else
"You better bring me a pony this year.
Or there will be consequenses."
You have to respect a child who knows what he wants and refuses to accept any substitutes, like this kid whose letter was shared by an anonymous user on Reddit. What exactly does he mean by "there will be consequences"? You can't threaten Santa!
A relatable request
I want Simba's dad to wake up."
You and me both, kid. Those of us whose children have been traumatized by The Lion King—or who have been traumatized ourselves—know that there's nothing more upsetting than Mufasa's untimely death. Instead of asking for material goods, this kid just wants Santa to resurrect a beloved fictional character, in a letter flagged by Reddit user Neloku. Surely something can be arranged. Right, Disney?
Santa needs more veggies
I think you are a fat man and I'm not leaving you any cookies, because Mrs. Claus said your on a diet. You need to stay away from junk food and don't eat to much on your trip around the world. That's why I'm leaving you vegetables this year with Ultra Skim Milk. I hope you lose some wait, because will all those toys and you I start to fill sorry for Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Doner, Blitzen, and Rudolphe. I sure hope you brought everything I asked for. Well
see you later since I didn't see you this year in person, I hope to see you next year."
Our first thought as we read this letter—shared by SliggitySly on imgur—is that the kid writing it is probably concerned about St. Nick's health. But nope, turns out she's mostly concerned about the toys. The combined weight of Santa's girth and all of the goodies promised to kids around the globe (including the letter writer) might be more than the reindeer are able to carry. Sensible!
A unicorn with digestive issues
"I want a rainbow unicorn that poops icecream.
P.S. I better get it too!!!"
This kid asks not just for a unicorn, not just for a rainbow unicorn, but a rainbow unicorn who poops ice cream. That alone would've been completely bonkers. Then the kid in this letter posted by snryan425 on Instagram had to up the ante, doubling down on an already wackadoodle request with "I better get it too!"
One vicious baby brother
"Dear: Santa Claws
I don't think are Baby brother should have presents this year. He is hurting us and he said you are trash. So think about giving him presents
From: A nice boy Thomas"
This letter (posted by Reddit user Wpac56) would've gotten our attention with the "Santa Claws" misspelling alone, but what really sold us was his insistence on throwing his baby brother under the bus. Hey, maybe he's being honest and his brother really is "hurting" the rest of the family, and actually has been talking smack about Santa. That could all be true. It just seems suspicious, that's all we're saying.
All he wants for Christmas is his lizard back
"Dear Santa please find me my Lizard I miss him so much to and I only had him for one day so please find me my Lizard I gave you and your raindeer some treats
p.s. that's all I want for christmas
p.s.s if you find him can you give him to me because I will put some thing over his Buckit so her or she can't get out and I'll clean out his or her bowl every time it get's dirty and I won't put him or her with the cray fish. So please find my lizard.
to Santa from Ross"
It's kind of sweet that Ross (perhaps the imgur user mnrossyross who posted this letter) didn't take the obvious tactic and ask Santa for a new lizard—because that's definitely something Santa could've helped him with. But finding a missing lizard, who somehow escaped from his cage? That's a trickier request to accommodate. We feel for you, Ross. And kudos for the evocative illustrations.
Is there a backup Santa?
My name is ella and I am 9. I have a question to ask you. What happens if you get sick on christmas eve? Would you have a back up santa if that happened. Happy holidays I only celebrate christmas.
P.S. Santa how old are you? because you've been around for generations."
Don't lie, it's something you've always wondered. One guy travels the world every year to deliver presents, and he's the only one who can do it? Thank you, Ella, for finally asking the tough questions that we all want to know, and thank you to Reddit user Fuzzhead171 for posting this letter.
Santa with a side of fries
"I want a order of french fries, a computer, and a chicken nugget."
We totally get asking Santa for a computer, but the other two requests… well, you know that getting some French fries and a chicken nugget—seriously, you want a single nugget?—don't require waiting till Christmas, right? You can get both fries and nuggets fairly easily, and for just slightly more than the postage it cost to send that letter (posted by ricanchick760 on Instagram) to Santa.
Please leave before 6:00 a.m.
Please Leave Before 6:00 AM
my Alarm goes of at 6:00
p.s my stocking is on the Left"
We have so many questions after reading this letter posted by a Redditor. Who sets an alarm on Christmas? And why so early? Turn off your alarm! Also, we're pretty sure Santa can find your stocking on his own—at least if you'd stop giving him such restrictive time limits.
Giving Santa an existential crisis
We sense a lot of hostility in this letter posted by MichaelRahmani on Reddit. And we're not entirely sure what this kid is implying about Santa. His naughty list—sorry, "notty" list—is apparently empty, as is his good list. Which means… what, exactly? That he's terrible at record-keeping? That he doesn't actually monitor the behavior of children? And what's with that last diss? "Your life is empty." Wow, that is harsh. Way to go all nihilistic on Santa Claus.
Keep your middle finger down
"Dear Santa I am so Good and never say Bad words to now one not to my parints or the middle finger.
P.S am I on the Good list."
Josie clearly understands that there are only two things that matter to Santa Claus. One, have you said any bad words to your parents? And two, have you displayed your middle finger to them or anybody else? No? OK, you're all clear then. Josie—whose letter was posted by SparkyBrown on Reddit—is officially on the nice list.