There are lots of different ways to identify a narcissist—but one of the best is to notice the way they argue. In a recent video, Annie Zimmerman, PhD, a psychotherapist and popular TikTok mental health expert, said it's "nearly impossible" to have a healthy argument with a narcissist, and that's because they tend to engage in certain destructive argument styles. Keep reading to find out the five red flags you should be looking out for.
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1 | They deny any wrongdoing.
Vladimir Vladimirov/iStockNarcissists tend to deny having any role in the problem, says Zimmerman, who goes by @your_pocket_therapist. "They aren’t able to take ownership of their side," she explains.
Not only that, but if they do make an apology, Zimmerman says it'll typically be "meaningless or superficial."
Studies have shown that narcissistic people are less likely to feel guilty for their actions, which might help to explain why they are also less likely to take responsibility for them. They might downplay their hurtful actions or words, or even outright deny that ever happened.
Researchers have also discovered that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have very little self-awareness. This can make it difficult for them to even recognize when they’ve done something wrong, let alone own up to it.
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2 | They use deflection to control the conversation.
iStockNot only do narcissists rarely take responsibility for wrongdoing, but they may actually shift the conversation back onto you, says Zimmerman: “Suddenly you find yourself talking about your flaws when it’s you who raised the issue with them.”
For example, they might say something like: “If you hadn’t [XYZ], then I never would have done that.” Or, they might bring up your past mistakes to distract you from the problem you’re trying to confront them about. This takes the heat off them—and puts you in a defensive position.
3 | They play the victim.
iStockStudies suggest that people with narcissism tend to feel a strong sense of victimhood. It may appear that they’re constantly implying that the world is out to get them.
According to Zimmerman, they make you feel like you’ve done something wrong and should feel sorry for them, rather than the other way around.
Playing the victim might involve words like “always” or “never.” For example: “Why are you always giving me such a hard time after all I’ve done for you?” or “No matter what I do for you, it never seems to be enough.”
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4 | They gaslight you.
iStockGaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse that involves denying your memory of events. The aim is to gain control by getting you to doubt your reality—and sanity. Zimmerman says this is another common tactic for people with NPD: “[Narcissists] gaslight you into thinking that you’re the problem for raising an issue.”
For instance, they might say “That never happened,” “I would never say something like that,” “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re exaggerating.”
5 | They attack you.
iStockIn some cases, Zimmerman says a narcissistic person may become outright aggressive during conflict—for example, resorting to insults, criticism, and belittling.
The idea is that by attacking your character, they might diminish the self-confidence you need to stand up for yourself. In some cases, they might use threats to intimidate you into dropping the issue or avoiding confrontation with them.
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