Vaginal orgasms. Everyone wants one, and yet few women have ever experienced one in real life. According to a 2007 study of 1,055 women ages 18 to 94, only 18.4 percent of women reported being able to climax out off intercourse alone (as opposed to through clitoral stimulation via oral or manual sex). All of my male friends say they’ve given plenty of women vaginal orgasms, and yet, virtually none of my female friends have ever had one. As Sally said in the famous Katz deli scene in When Harry Met Sally, “You do the math.”
It doesn’t help that scientists can’t seem to agree on whether or not “vaginal orgasms,” generally defined as an orgasms that women experience during penetrative sex alone, really exist. On one hand, a 2007 study of 1,256 Swedish women argued that not only can a woman have an orgasm from purely penile stimulation of the vagina, but also that kind of orgasm was associated with greater life satisfaction. On the other hand, a 2014 study argued there’s no evidence of a G-Spot, which means it doesn’t exist, and that women who say they’ve had one are basically just imagining things.
It’s all very confusing, which is why sex and relationship expert Courtney Cleman recently opened up the V. Club–a sexual education center in NYC that offers 2-hour courses that cover all of the most recent science on the elusive vaginal orgasm, as well as going over the best practices to achieve the big V-O. It should be noted that the class is fully-clothed and every bit as professional as a course on data analysis and statistics, though it also has a fun vibe (there’s music playing, and the room smells like strawberries and champagne) so it makes for a great option for a girl’s night out or a bachelorette party.
Even for someone who writes a lot about sex and relationships, I was floored by what I learned about the science behind achieving a vaginal orgasm. Read on for the highlights. And for more eye-opening stories that will enlighten your experience in the bedroom, know that Here’s What He’s Really Thinking after Sex.
The vaginal orgasm occurs when a woman is at full arousal.
One of the most mind-blowing things I learned was that the G-spot isn’t just constantly hanging out, waiting to be plundered. Like a maiden in a fairytale, she emerges from her hood only when she’s ready. And for that, a woman needs to be at peak arousal.
That’s why both of the studies cited earlier were sort or right and kind of wrong. The most current theory says that if you consider a “vaginal orgasm” to be something that can be achieved purely by penile insertion, as in a porno, then no, they don’t exist. But, if you view it as an orgasm that you can achieve through sexual intercourse, as opposed to oral sex, then, yes, it definitely does.
Women need more foreplay
This used to be a well-known fact that has fallen to the wayside in recent years. Don’t get me wrong: sometimes a woman might be just as dying for it once the pants come off, especially after a long, lusty cab ride. But, oftentimes, women need to pre-game, whether it be from some skilled handy work, a little clitoral stimulation, or some good old-fashioned making out.
In fact, one of the major things that I learned from writing the 20 Science-Backed Reasons for We Kiss is that, while 53% of men said they’d be happy to skip kissing altogether before sex, only 15% of women felt the same way. So doing what most men do—kissy, kissy, squeezy, squeezy, penis—is not going to cut it for the G-spot.
Foreplay Also Loosens the Vagina In a Good Way
Let’s be real here: a lot of men get an ego boost when a woman finds penile insertion a touch painful, because it makes them feel like have a big one. And some women, especially those who are older, have a loosened tunnel (which we’ll get to solving later). But much of the time, the fascia–the scientific term for the network of tissues that make up the skin and muscles of the vaginal wall—are, to use an unromantic metaphor our instructor employed, like a crumpled towel inside a sock. When a woman is aroused, the towel loosens, which makes the whole process much more pleasurable for the girl.
How to Strengthen the Pelvic Floor Muscles
Obviously, you don’t want to be too loose down there, and the reality is that as a women gets older, the pelvic floor weakens. Along with age, the main contributors to this loosening is having a baby and lifting anything that weighs more than eight and a half pounds. To strengthen the pelvic floor, you can do the infamous kegel exercises. Squeeze your muscles the same way you would if you were halting urination mid-stream. Hold the contraction for five seconds, then relax for five seconds, and then repeat for about fifteen minutes a day, five days a week. You can also purchase a Yarlap, which is an FDA-approved method of strengthening pelvic floor muscles. In addition to enhancing your sex life, doing these exercises will have prevent incontinence in later years. Don’t assume you have to close up shop if you’re over a certain age. Plenty of people who are 65 and older are having great sex.
Everyone Has a G-Spot
It’s in a slightly different place for everyone, which is why some people have machinery that better suits yours. But it’s in the same general area. And while a man’s penis is extremely sensitive after orgasm, a woman’s G-spot is at its most sensitive just before an orgasm, so that’s the time to insert the penis!
You Don’t Have to Have a Big Penis to Give an Orgasm
Good news! All that worrying that men do about having a large piece of equipment is completely useless. A large penis isn’t even necessarily a visual stimulant for a woman, and it’s certainly not a technical requirement. The G-spot is located about two to three inches into a woman’s body, and since the average male penis size is 5 and a half inches, even a smaller-than-average one can get the job done. At least in this way, Nature is kind.
Needing to Pee During Sex Isn’t Always a Bad Thing
Even if a woman has relieved herself directly before sex, she might often feel the urge to pee during intercourse. While this might feel uncomfortable, it’s often a sign that she’s close to a vaginal orgasm, since the G-spot is close to the urethra. Specifically, it often means she’s about to squirt.
The Toy That Creates Vaginal Orgasms
One of the toys that was highlighted during the class was the WeVibe, which has frequently won for Best-Selling product at the Adultex awards. Even though it’s marketed as a couples’ sex toy, the we-vibe is great for solitary stimulation, because its unique shape allows it to stimulate both the clitoris and G-spot simultaneously. I got one myself after the class, and let’s just say it’s been a game-changer. And as ever woman knows, having a particular kind of orgasm alone makes it that much easier to have it with a partner later on.
They might sound a bit kinky (and if they do, so what?), but butt plugs tighten the vaginal muscles, and prevent men from going too deep. The ribbed ones also rub against the frenulum of the labia menora–the bit of tissue that separates the vagina from the anus–which can give a woman extra pleasure.
Ben Wa Balls
Made famous by Fifty Shades Darker, Ben Wa Balls, also known as kegel balls or vaginal beads, are marble sized balls that are inserted into the vagina. They have the benefit of not only strengthening the pelvic floor but also enhancing arousal and leading to more intense vaginal orgasms. Our instructor cautioned, however, that keeping them in for more than 30 minutes at a time might make you need to go number 2, so it’s not advisable to wear them during a lengthy dinner, as Ana did.
Avoid Jack-Rabbit Sex
Insecure about the length of their penis, many men pound as hard as fast as humanly possible in an effort to get in deep. But this practice, coined by Sex and the City as “jack-rabbit sex,” often means the penis ends up hitting the cervix, which is not only not pleasurable but often quite painful for women. As mentioned before, you do not have to have a big penis in order to make a woman vaginally orgasm, so don’t do this.
It’s Important for a Woman to Feel Comfortable
The few women I know who have had a vaginal orgasm through penile penetration alone said that it happened with someone who they felt completely comfortable with. This isn’t about consent, though it goes without saying that this is a crucial element to good sex in general. If you aren’t making a woman feel 100% at ease, a vaginal orgasm simply isn’t going to happen, and that includes not attacking her cervix or penetrating her before the time has come. Talking about your needs helps, and studies have shown that men who express emotional intelligence have better sex lives.
You Have to Be Patient]
I often tell men that one of my bucket list goals, along with going to Cambodia, is to have a vaginal orgasm with a man, at which point they chuckle like one of those is not like the other. The biggest impediment to a female orgasm is the male ego. Many men still have their sense of masculinity wrapped around their performance in bed, a certain offshoot of toxic masculinity.
As such, many men would prefer that you fake it rather than having an open conversation about vaginal orgasms, which is silly. It’s best to treat it like a science project–something you have to work at, discuss, and experiment with in order to achieve the desired result. As you’ll see shortly, a man doesn’t even need to do very much to make it happen. To quote a great line from a dating coach that I interviewed for a piece on online dating, “separate the ego from the outcome.”
It Is Possible to Break the Penis
This usually happens when the woman is in a cowgirl position and leans back. Obviously, this should be avoided. Nothing is as much of a turn-off as a trip to the hospital.
Try Circular Motions
A lot of men and women do a back and forth motion during sexual intercouse, but making, slow, circular motions can often be more effective.
t Helps To Squeeze and Keep Legs Closed
As a woman, one of the things you can do to better your chances of an orgasm if you’ve loosened up a little is to keep the legs closed and perform those kegel muscles we discussed earlier during sexual intercourse.
It’s Easier to Have a Vaginal Orgasm If the Woman Is On Top
One of the most empowering things I learned from my class is that a man doesn’t really need to do all that much other than supply an erect penis to enable a woman to have a vaginal orgasm. Here I was waiting for some magical Prince Charming to give me one, when so much of it was at my control. The fact is that the rumors are true. Women find it easier to vaginally orgasm when they are on top, and all the man has to do is lie back and enjoy it. For more specifics, check out the 13 Sex Positions That Cause Vaginal Orgasm.
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