Michael Scott Quotes That Every "Office" Fan Should Have Memorized
The paper industry's best-worst regional manager is one of the most quotable characters on TV.
When the U.S. version of The Office (which was previously a hit in the U.K. starring Ricky Gervais) premiered in 2005, it introduced the world to Michael Scott, the inappropriate, emotionally needy, and yet still lovable paper company boss played by Steve Carell. Over the years, the sitcom and the character would represent the average American workplace so accurately that it was sometimes painful. And while Jim, Pam, Dwight, Creed, Angela, Kelly, and the rest of the gang would have their moments, no one was as quotable as their fearless leader. Because he somehow always knew exactly what not to say (but did it anyway), we've collected our 30 favorite Michael Scott quotes here.
- "You should never settle for who you are."
- "I am Beyoncé always."
- "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
- "I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday."
- "No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don't tell them."
- "Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing."
- "I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start. No debts, no baggage. Already got my name picked out. Lord Rupert Everton. I am, uh, shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life."
- "What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went—I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years."
- "I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask."
- "When Mary was denied a room at the inn…Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet."
- "It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean."
- "Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be."
- "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
- "Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me."
- "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like?"
- "If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."
- "Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster's—people just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don't know. It's like…Dave died or something."
- "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
- "Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three."
- "They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?"
- "Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."
- "There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down."
- "In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time…she pretended she didn't hear me."
- "The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on."
- "When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days."
- "I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend."
- "So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?"
- "*rapping* The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider."
- "Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, "Don't worry, be happy."
- "I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream."
And for more of your favorite throwback series, here are 30 Beloved TV Shows You Won't Believe Are 30 Years Old.