23 Signs of Infidelity That Are Too Easy to Miss
It's all too easy to subconsciously turn a blind eye.
No one wants to think their spouse is cheating on them. But, according to data from the recent General Social Survey(GSS), 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women have admitted to getting intimate with someone other than their spouse, so it’s not an uncommon issue to face.
If Hollywood movies are anything to go by, people who commit adultery are so sloppy and leave so many clues in their tracks that you can’t possibly fathom how the spouse hasn’t pieced together what’s going on. But, in real life, signs of infidelity can be a lot more subtle than the classics: being emotionally withdrawn, losing interest in sex, and staying “late at the office” several times a week.
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably already got some of your own suspicions about your significant other, and maybe some of these signs will be familiar to you. Others, however, may be red flags you’d never even thought to consider. So read on to learn all about the surefire signs of infidelity that are way too easy to miss. And to learn more about why people commit adultery in the first place, check out The Real Reasons Why People Cheat.
They’ve Password-Protected All of Their Technology
The first rule of thumb with cheating is to look out for changes in behavior. If your spouse has always been a very private person, then the fact that they don’t want to share their passwords isn’t necessarily an indication of anything suspect. But if they used to be an open book and suddenly it’s harder to break into their iPhone than Fort Knox, that’s a dead giveaway. And, thanks to the iCloud, it’s easier to find texts that have been deleted than ever before.
They Accuse You of Cheating
It seems counterintuitive, but people who cheat will often accuse their partner of cheating as a way of projecting their own guilt onto them. “These accusations are often a sign of self-guilt, and it also will put the blame on you, causing you to be on the defense and distracted from their actions,” Bethany Ricciardi, a sex and relationship expert, told Best Life. “It’s quite manipulative… because they get so upset during the conversation, you start to think they hate cheating and would never do it to you, when in reality they might have [done it] already.”
They Surprise You With Gifts
According to relationship expert Charlotte Rivers, “it’s commonly known that gift-giving is a way to butter someone up when you’re feeling guilty about something, So what could [they] be guilty of? Most likely: cheating.”
Your Toiletries Are Feeling a Bit Emptier
Generally speaking, women tend to be better at getting away with cheating than men, thanks to attention to detail. A man might not necessarily notice that his Dove For Men body wash has been used, but a woman will definitely get a sense that something is amiss if her $40 shampoo is feeling a bit lighter than the last time she used it, or if the cap to her night cream has been unscrewed.
They’re Avoiding Specific Locations
According to Laura F. Dabney, MD, a psychotherapist and marriage expert, if your spouse seems nervous or reticent to go check out a particular restaurant or other public place, it might be because they frequent the establishment with their lovers and don’t want the people that work there to recognize them with someone else.
They’re Changing Their Appearance
“If your partner previously cared little about her appearance but has made big changes out of the blue—like buying new clothes or wearing makeup more often—it could indicate an effort to impress another person,” Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating coach, told Best Life. Same goes for husbands who feel a sudden urge to dress better and beef up their arms.
They Take Their Cell Phones Everywhere
“It’s not difficult to imagine that cell phones harbor wealth of information, including texts, videos, and e-mails,” sex therapist Dr. Damian Sendler told Best Life. “Hiding a cell phone or taking it to the bathroom or even on the shortest trip to take out trash is a red flag. It means that the partner doesn’t want us to see something.”
They’re Suddenly On Their Phones All the Time
“There is a thrill that comes from being secretive and trying not to get caught. Cheating can create a relationship that has excitement and risk. It can indicate a break from the monotony of the relationship with one’s primary partner,” Dr. Alisha Powell, a clinical social worker who works with couples on marriage retreats, told Best Life. So if they’re suddenly texting and smiling all the time, or checking their phones for messages several times a day, that’s a huge red flag.
They’ve Gotten Really Flaky
If they were unreliable when it comes to making plans to begin with, there’s probably not much reason to worry. But if they used to show up for everything on the dot and are now suddenly constantly making last minute excuses to cancel, or reluctant to make plans in advance, it’s at the very least a sign you’re not a top priority anymore.
“This excuse may seem benign, but it is a red flag when someone is in a committed relationship. If it happens once or twice, it’s probably not a big deal; But when it is said prematurely and way ahead of making plans for the evening, that is something worth paying attention to,” Sendler said.
They Regularly Go MIA
You can only use the classic “Sorry, babe, my phone battery died” excuse so many times.
They Don’t Want You to Do Anything Nice for Them
If your spouse seems defensive or uncomfortable when you make a romantic gesture or offer to cook for them, it might be a sign that that your offer is just making them feel more guilty because they know they don’t deserve it. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec, saying things like “I’m a bad person,” for no apparent reason, can also be a sign they’re feeling extreme guilt over infidelity.
They Give Elaborate Stories About Their Whereabouts
If you ask your spouse where they’ve been all day and they seem shifty and say, “Just out,” that tends to send off alarm bells. But the truth is that providing a lengthy description of their whereabouts can also signal that they’ve rehearsed a story and are trying to include as many details as possible to make it believable.
“When stories seem inconsistent in recapitulating events of the day, that’s a red flag. For example, someone says they were able to buy something for us in a town nearby, even though you know they wouldn’t have the time to be there, that’s a sign something might be on the horizon. Another red flag is when the person seems very excited (too excited) to share some information with us, especially when we didn’t ask them to justify where they’ve been,” Sendler said.
They Pick Arguments
Does your spouse seem more irritable lately, or yell at you for things that are pretty minor or even unreasonable? They may just be trying to offset their own feelings of guilt by making you out to appear like the one causing problems. “Often someone who is cheating is feeling a lot of guilt,” Ricciardi said. “Your partner can easily take out this shame on you by making you feel bad about yourself.”
They’re Traveling a Lot More for Work
If your partner has always had a job that included a lot of travel, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being unfaithful. But the sad reality is that being away from home simply does offer more opportunities for infidelity, so if they seem to be heading to the airport even more than usual without a good reason, your suspicions are well-warranted. For more on this, read about one woman’s agonizing personal account of starting an affair on a work trip.
You Notice the Same Phone Number Crop Up On Your Bills
When it comes to catching your partner in the act, your monthly bill for their cellphone can be your new best friend. If you dig it up and see the same unknown number appear several times, especially during times when you know they weren’t around you, that’s a huge red flag.
They Start to Speak In the Singular
One of the hallmarks of a happy relationship is that couples use the word “we” a lot, because they see themselves as a team for life. So if you notice your other half answering questions with “I” more than usual, especially in regards to the future, it might be an indicator that they’re considering bailing. “They might start saying things like, ‘I sure hope to go to Bali someday,’ [or] ‘I would love to buy a house in Spain’—that sort of thing,” relationship expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula told Best Life.
He’s About to Hit a Big Milestone
A fascinating 2014 study that looked into the activity of people on Ashley Madison found that men were more likely to look for an extramarital affair if they were about to hit a big milestone birthday, especially one associated with a mid-life crisis, like 40.
They’re Liking a Lot of Photos Posted By the Same Person
Reaching out to an ex on Facebook to catch up, or spending a lot of time on someone’s profile, may seem harmless in the moment, but a lot of people consider this “mico-cheating,” which experts say can erode trust and often lead to actual infidelity.
They’ve Scrubbed You From Their Social Media
Most people don’t put up a relationship status on Facebook anymore, because it’s so 2009. But it’s still fairly easy to tell when someone is married, so if they remove photos that make it clear they have a partner or erase all of their social media entirely, that’s not a good sign.
They Want to Have Sex More Than Usual
We know that making excuses not to have sex is a sign of infidelity. But it might surprise you to find out that cheating can sometimes reinvigorate someone’s libido, or make them want to try new things to see if they can infuse their marriage with the same excitement they’ve found in their affair.
They Mention the Same Person Frequently
If you get jealous because your spouse seems to bring up a certain “friend,” over and over again, they’re liable to say you’re just being crazy and paranoid. But the truth is that saying things like, “Oh, Jessica, also loves fish,” or, “Jessica told me about this great new show we should watch,” is a pretty clear indicator that they’ve got a certain someone constantly on the brain.
You Have a Gut Feeling
When you suspect your spouse of cheating, it’s natural to think that maybe you’re just being insecure. But there’s a scientific basis for intuition, so if you’ve got a lingering and unshakeable sense that something in your marriage is off, chances are you’re right. And for some IRL stories of infidelity, check out these 17 Dumb Ways Men Have Been Busted Cheating.
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