How to Flirt: A Step-by-Step Guide
Relationship experts share exactly what to say and how to say it.
If you're looking for a relationship or even just a short-term fling, then flirting is one of the best ways to get there. When you flirt, you attempt to pique and gauge the other person's interest, and it's often the first step in creating a budding romance. However, flirting can be scary—after all, it's nerve-wracking to put yourself out there when you're not sure how the other person will respond. If you've held back due to a lack of skill, we're here to help. Ahead, relationship experts share how to flirt.
RELATED: 10 Body Language Signs That Mean Someone Is Attracted to You.
What Is Flirting?
Flirting is a way to suss out your potential chemistry with another person.
"It's all about sparking a connection and showing you're interested without laying it all on the line," says Kristin Anderson, LCSW, a therapist at Clarity Therapy in New York. "It's those light, breezy interactions where you're just testing the waters, seeing if the other person vibes with you—whether it's a smile, a laugh, or a quirky comment."
How to Flirt in Person: 10 Simple Steps
1. Keep eye contact a little too long.
This is a great way to signal someone from across the room. "If the other person does it as well… go up to them and be flirty based on the situation," suggests Sofie Roos, sexologist and couples therapist from Passionerad. "To be a successful flirter, it's all about being quick and charming in the moment!"
To make it simple, ask them about something they're wearing or doing or the location the two of you are at.
2. Act like you're old acquaintances.
This can help calm your nerves if you're going out on a first date.
"The main advice I give before a date is to act like you're just an old friend from school—you haven't seen each other for 30 to 40 years, you've already forgotten him or her, but he or she is not dangerous," recommends Ksenia Droben, CEO at Droben Matchmaking. "Start communicating as if you have known each other for 100 years."
3. Tease a little.
Humor is always attractive. "Find a light-hearted way to bring humor into the conversation," says Anderson. "Like if you're both trying out samples at a food festival, you might say, 'I hope you're ready to admit that my taco choice beats yours!'" It'll set you up for a fun and flirty exchange.
4. Pay attention—and show that you're all in.
Active listening is one of the best things you can do on a date.
"Make eye contact during conversation, smile and nod, and lean in close to the other person to signal that your attention is concentrated entirely on them," says Barbie Adler, founder and president of matchmaking firm Selective Search. "This can be an exhilarating experience for the other person that helps boost their confidence."
5. Ask "why," "how," and "what do you think" questions.
Listening also involves asking thoughtful questions. "If he's talking about his surfing adventures and you ask if he likes to cook, it won't work," notes Droben. "Ask questions based on the information given, starting with the words why, how, what do you think, and tell me more."
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6. Compliment wisely.
"The best flirt is a compliment," says Droben. For example, if your crush just went on a daring hike, she suggests saying something like, "I can't believe you climbed that mountain. You are so strong, I would be scared to death."
7. Use a gentle touch.
"Light touches on the arm, knee, or shoulder can create a sense of intimacy and connection," says Rachel DeAlto, relationship expert at the dating app Stir and the author of Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere (Even if It Scares You).
"Just be mindful of their comfort level with touch," she cautions. If they shy away, take it easy.
8. Show off a skill.
It might not always be possible, but take the opportunity if it is and feels natural.
"Confidence is one of the most universally attractive qualities, and displaying your confidence and skill can make you appear more attractive to the other person," says Adler. "Moreover, if your relationship already involves some teasing and joking, a little bit of playful boasting can enhance the impression you make on them and make you seem more attractive."
Cooking, dancing, singing, sports, or anything similar fits the bill.
9. Tell them they're attractive.
This can be a simple swap: "Replace the mundane, 'that's nice/cool' with, 'wow, that's attractive,'" says Elsa Moreck, dating coach at The School of Modern Dating. "Recently met someone who's always punctual? Tell them that's attractive. Met someone who makes killer gluten-free brownies, 'Gotta say, that's hot.'" You can make pretty much anything fit the script.
10. Bring up a shared future.
It'll help your date picture it together. "For example, say, 'I was in Italy last year, in a beautiful city. One day, we will definitely go there together,'" suggests Droben.
RELATED: This Is the One Pick-Up Line That Works Every Time, Experts Say.
How to Flirt Via Text
Follup up after a date.
Jackie Golob, sex therapist and founder of Shameless Therapy & Consulting Services, says you should make a post-date text as personal as possible.
She recommends something like: "Hey you! I had a great time last night and can't wait till our next date. Maybe I'll have to…" and insert something that relates to your date.
Or: "Good morning, beautiful! Last night's dinner/meal/coffee/drink/mini golf/paddle boarding date was wonderful, and you weren't so bad yourself."
Send a photo.
These are fun ways to keep the conversation flowing. "Taking a picture of something you saw while out on a walk that reminded you of the other person can let them know that you're on your mind, signaling your interest in them," says Adler.
"Also, photographing something impressive you've done—such as a delicious meal you cooked or something you built, made, or drew—can kickstart a conversation about hobbies and skills," she adds.
Keep it playful.
Your texts should stay cool, calm, and collected at the beginning. "A well-placed emoji can add a flirty wink or lighthearted tone," says DeAlto. "Just don't overdo it."
Don't text too much.
You also do not want to go overboard on volume. "Quality over quantity," notes Anderson. "Send thoughtful texts and leave them wanting more."
Give them a future date hint.
It's a cute way to tee up a next date. For example, DeAlto recommends something like, "Ugh, work is dragging. I'd rather be back paddleboarding with you!"
"This expresses your interest casually and opens the door for another date," she explains.
RELATED: 7 Flirty Emojis to Send When Talking to Your Crush.
How Can I Tell If I'm Flirting Successfully?
In many cases, it'll be clear if someone matches your energy. For example, if they make jokes, compliment you, or give you light touches, they're likely into the flirting situation.
When Should I Back Off?
This requires paying attention to their signals. "If they seem distracted, give short answers, or their body language closes off, it's a sign to ease up," says Cheryl Groskopf, a dual-licensed marriage and family therapist and professional clinical counselor in Los Angeles. "Respect their personal space and don't push if they seem uncomfortable. It's also helpful to check in verbally, asking if they're comfortable or if you're overstepping."
Conclusion
Flirting is a highly personal endeavor, and everyone will have their own unique flair. After all, that's what makes you, you! While these tips can help you develop your flirting skills, you should adjust them to your comfort level—it just might lead to a fabulous connection!
