For many people in monogamous relationships, there’s no greater dealbreaker than when one partner cheats. Even if you decide to repair and rebuild your bond, it can be extremely difficult to re-establish trust and create healthier patterns moving forward. Yet if you believe in the popular adage “once a cheater, always a cheater,” Renée Zavislak, MS, MA, LMFT, a therapist and the owner of Renée Zavislak Psychotherapy, says you might want to re-examine your assumptions. In fact, she says this is one of the “main myths” that she helps clients dismantle when one partner has been unfaithful.
Zavislak explains that in her practice, she has witnessed many instances of people stepping out, realizing the seriousness of their mistake, and taking tangible steps to avoid ever repeating the betrayal. In these cases, the wronged partner will sometimes find comfort in knowing that their spouse is a “one-time cheater” rather than a repeat offender. This could ultimately factor into whether the couple can work toward reconciliation, repair, and forgiveness—or, alternatively, decide to call it quits.
Of course, when you’ve just learned of a deception, you may rightfully feel that it’s hard to fully trust what your partner is telling you. To get your bearings, it can be helpful to look objectively at their actions in the aftermath of their infidelity. These are the three hallmarks of a “one-time cheater” who may be capable of change, according to therapists.
RELATED: 8 Red Flags That Signal Cheating, Therapists Warn.
Why People Cheat
ShutterstockUnderstanding why people cheat can also help you understand how things might play out afterward. Zavislak explains that cheating usually occurs for one of three reasons: poor character, immaturity, and system disequilibrium. Except in the case of truly poor character, she tells Best Life that—given the right tools and motivation—“people are almost always capable of healing and modifying their behavior.”
“Character refers to those individuals with narcissistic personalities who believe they deserve to satiate all of their desires and who experience little empathy for their partners. Infidelity in this camp is entirely about entitlement,” she says. A person who falls under this category is most likely to be a serial cheater, unconcerned with the repercussions of their actions.
Immaturity is another common cause of infidelity, and she often sees this in clients who are in their 20s. She says that when this happens, it is often “understandable and even developmentally appropriate, but still not just.” A person who cheats out of immaturity might cheat serially or only once.
Finally, “system equilibrium refers to those relationships that have been locked into a problematic dynamic for so long that one partner cheats in a subconscious effort to shake up the relationship in order to open up space for change.”
Zavislak adds that the couples who tend to be most successful in rebuilding the relationship after cheating are those for whom the infidelity was a subconscious attempt at this destabilization.
“Almost all of my clients would tell you that the relationship is better after the rebuilding. This is not to say that infidelity is the best tactic, but those long-standing, hardwired relational patterns are incredibly hard to break. A healthier option would be couples therapy; a talented couple therapist knows how to open up the space for change without introducing additional distress,” she explains.
RELATED: 5 Questions Your Partner May Ask If They're Cheating, Therapists Say.
1 | They take responsibility.
ShutterstockOne of the biggest signs that someone is being truthful about the scope of their infidelity is that they take responsibility for their actions and are committed to transparency moving forward, however painful that may be.
“They own and completely acknowledge that they cheated. They know it’s 100 percent wrong, and they take full accountability for it,” Louise Rumball, a holistic wellness coach who goes by “the Therapy Girl” on social media, said in a recent TikTok post.
Zavislak adds that this process isn’t easy and requires long-term commitment. This means you should be in no rush to come to any conclusions about your partner, or to make any decisions about your future.
“There are stages to this work, and it is only in the first stage when therapy focuses on the actual cheating. The wronged partner is empowered to ask any questions they have about what happened, and the partner who has cheated is charged with practicing accountability by checking in regularly with the wronged partner,” Zavislak shares.
2 | They feel remorse and empathy.
ShutterstockNext, Rumball says that if the person has really only cheated once, they will likely express deep feelings of remorse and regret. “They have empathy for your experience,” she notes.
This can be difficult to suss out, as many serial cheaters may act contrite once they’re caught. Again, giving yourself time to reflect with the help of a professional individual or couples therapist can help you get your bearings and better understand your partner’s motives and capacity for change.
3 | They usually act honorably.
iStockThe experts also say that it’s important to consider your partner’s track record and whether they most often act honorably and with integrity. Though this doesn’t excuse bad behavior, it may signal that they are more capable of repair.
“Their words match their actions, and they’ve otherwise always been honest with you. This is a very out-of-the-ordinary behavior for them,” says Rumball.
