“Micro-cheating” is a new name for an age-old relationship trend. It’s now popularly used to describe when one partner engages in sly behaviors that indicate an interest outside of the relationship while stopping short of clearer-cut infidelity.
“Micro-cheating involves subtle behaviors,” says Patricia Bathurst, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist working with The Oasis. “These behaviors are damaging to the relationship even if the person doesn’t physically cheat.”
That’s why experts say it’s never been more important for couples to sit down and have a clear conversation about their personal boundaries regarding cheating and micro-cheating. Rather than assuming you know where your partner draws the line, discussing your comfort level as it applies to various scenarios can help you avoid heartache in the future.
Of course, your partner might not fess up to their harmful behavior—especially if they don’t plan on stopping. Wondering how you can spot the telltale signs of this surprising form of infidelity? Read on to learn the top 10 signs your partner is micro-cheating, according to relationship experts.
RELATED: 5 Questions Your Partner May Ask If They're Cheating, Therapists Say.
1 | They’re subtly flirtatious.
ShutterstockIf your partner is flirtatious with others, this could be a sign that they’re interested in stepping outside of the relationship. But what exactly constitutes meaningful flirting, as opposed to fun and friendly banter?
According to Jillian Hamilton, a relationship expert and the host of the Cheating: When Love💔Lies Podcast, there’s a simple rule of thumb: “Using words or behaviors that encourage someone to see you as more than just a friend is a red flag. You may not explicitly verbalize your feelings, but actions and words that are meant to spark romantic interest should be off limits.”2 | They’ve kept an active dating profile.
ShutterstockYour online habits can also be considered micro-cheating, even if your IRL actions are all above board. Bathurst says that one of the worst online offenses is if your partner has an active dating profile despite being committed to you.
“Even if the person doesn’t meet up with others on the site, it’s still damaging because it communicates that the person is available. They have the profile ready to be used at any time,” she says.
Hamilton agrees, adding that no one in a committed couple wants to find their significant other on a dating site. “This surpasses micro-cheating and is downright duplicitous,” she says.
3 | They text excessively.
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It’s normal and healthy to have relationships outside of your romantic partnership, and your partner should be able to text their friends without you worrying that they’re being deceptive. However, excessive texting could mean that something bigger is going on.
“Frequent, secretive messaging with someone outside the relationship can create an emotional connection that may undermine trust,” explains Jeanne Cross, LCSW, LAC, a licensed therapist and the owner at EMDR Center of Denver.
Hamilton suggests that the micro-cheater should dig a little deeper to understand their motives: “If you feel like you need to delete a text thread in your phone, it’s time to ask yourself why. What is in the thread that’s so potentially offensive?”
RELATED: 6 Passive-Aggressive Comments That Mean Your Partner Wants to Break Up.
4 | They share intimate details of your relationship with someone else.
ShutterstockPhysical intimacy is just one kind of closeness—emotional intimacy can, in some cases, be even more significant. Therefore, your partner may be micro-cheating if they run to someone else with their troubles, especially their relationship woes.
“Confiding in someone about personal or relationship issues, rather than with one’s partner, can foster emotional intimacy outside the primary relationship,” says Cross.
5 | They dress to impress.
ShutterstockHow you dress is all about personal expression—and you should generally feel free to wear whatever makes you feel your best. However, in some cases, dressing to impress can also reveal a desire to be noticed by others outside of the relationship—especially when one partner dresses to impress one person in particular.
“On my podcast about infidelity, I interviewed a husband who found out his wife was cheating on him with their couples’ therapist when the wife started to micro-cheat,” Hamilton shares. “The husband noticed his wife would put on makeup and flirty dresses to go to their therapy sessions. Then the wife asked for more and more individual sessions with their therapist. Eventually, this micro-cheating exploded into an affair.”
6 | They give or receive gifts.
iStockAnother red flag of micro-cheating is gift giving—especially when it’s done privately.
“No matter how small it may be, giving a gift to someone—especially if no one but you and the recipient are aware of it—is suspect,” Hamilton points out. “Whether it’s flowers, candy, or little token items, it is still a gift.”
7 | They’re secretive.
ShutterstockTransparency is often a hallmark of a healthy and devoted relationship. When one partner starts to conceal the details of their lives, this typically suggests that their loyalty is waning.
“When you feel like you can’t share details of where you are, what you’re doing, or who you are with on any given day, that’s a red flag for micro-cheating,” says Hamilton. Even if there’s no actual affair at first, this type of secrecy can easily spiral out of control.
RELATED: This Is the One Pick-Up Line That Works Every Time, Experts Say.
8 | They compare you to others.
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Comparison is the theft of joy—especially where relationships are concerned. If you notice that your partner often compares you unfavorably to someone else, it could indicate that they view that person as a more ideal prospective partner.
“Repeatedly mentioning someone else’s positive traits may suggest dissatisfaction and a potential emotional distraction,” says Cross.
9 | They remove their wedding ring.
iStockYour wedding ring is a symbol of commitment, which is why removing it to go out and socialize is considered micro-cheating, even if no other boundaries are crossed.
“On one of my first [podcast] episodes, I interviewed a successful company owner and her head of business affairs,” shares Hamilton. “The ladies talked about how when they traveled with male clients for business, the men would inevitably remove their wedding rings before going out for dinner. Whether your partner is a man or a woman, if you find their wedding ring in a pocket or travel bag—that’s a red flag.”10 | They hide their social media interactions.
iStockSocial media is a common place for affairs to begin. Yet even if online interactions don’t translate into real-world indiscretions, how you or your partner behaves behind a keyboard could make you guilty of micro-cheating.
“Liking or commenting flirtatiously on others’ posts, especially when kept private, may indicate a desire for outside validation,” says Cross.
