Funny Cheesy Jokes

1. I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s ever slept with. "Yes," she said. "All the other guys were nines or tens."
2. I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident. My next poop could spell disaster!
3. Some people say that I’m self-centered. But enough about them.
4. I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words as well!
5. Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.
6. My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer. But he could never pass the bar.
7. I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firefighters!
8. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything!
9. I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing!
10. My friend said, "You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot." It was a third-degree burn.
11. The first photograph of a black hole was released. It sucks.
12. What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a cry-sis?"
13. What word starts with "e," ends with "e," and only has one letter in it? Envelope.
14. Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed? Because it would blow his cover.
15. I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I accidentally used my organ donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg!
16. I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot. Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
17. If alcohol can damage your short term memory… imagine the damage alcohol can do!
18. My wife told me I have no sense of direction. I was so mad at her, I packed up my stuff and right.
19. My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled. I said, “No, I think all kids smell like that.”
20. I once walked in on my teachers having sex. Being homeschooled was never easy for me.

Cheesy Dad Jokes

21. On his deathbed, my grandfather said, "Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life… Push and Pull."
22. If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it! It's SPAM!
23. Where do mice park their boats? At the Hickory Dickory Dock.
24. My mama always told me, "You are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day. I want to become a fun guy.
25. Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
26. I once made a belt out of $50 bills. It was a waist of money.
27. Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. Feb. 14th.
28. I once had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
29. What smells like feet and tastes like fish? Shoe-shi.
30. I once paid $20 to see Prince live in concert. But I partied like it was $19.99.
31. What animal builds buildings? Boa constructors.
32. Why do teenage girls walk in groups of three, five, and seven? Because they literally can’t even.
33. How do short people cut their pizza? With Little Caesar’s.
34. If I had 50 cents for every math test I failed, I’d have $8.40.
35. No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele. That way, when someone asks if I play an instrument, I can say, "I play a little guitar."
36. Why are there no unemployed farmers? They can get a job in any field.
37. What kind of jokes does a quarantined dad tell? Inside jokes.
38. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
39. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
40. As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"You know, one would have been enough."