40 Things Only Older People Say

1 | "Back in my day…"

Incoming: A long story of hardship and perseverance that we'd all be so lucky to hear. Oh, and while we're looking backward, here are the 23 Old-Fashioned Etiquette Rules That Still Apply.

2 | "I left a message on your answering machine."

Sure, it may be "voicemail" today, but you've got to give credit where credit is due: answering machines made for way better plot devices in horror films. And speaking of answering machines: they're definitely one of 50 Things You No Longer See in Offices. 

3 | "I taped the game last night."

Today, we DVR things. Yesterday we Tivo'd. A long, long, long time ago we taped.

4 | "When did this song become 'classic' rock!?"

It's been a long time since that Rush album came out, I'm afraid.

5 | "What's your fax number?"

I know what you're going to say next: "They're useless until you absolutely need one." Which is definitely true! But it doesn't make you any younger, friend.

6 | "I printed the directions from Mapquest."

Unfortunately, these printed directions cannot "recalculate your route."

7 | "I took a nap on the davenport."

There's nothing wrong with an occasional nap, but calling your couch a "davenport?" Sorry, but a total #oldpersonmove.

8 | "You go ahead, I'm just going to sit for a minute."

We hate to say it, but when the bench looks more enticing than the walk, it could be a sign of advanced age. And for some great health advice, here are 40 Ways to Stay Sharp After 40.

9 | "I need to swing by the bank and make a deposit."

But kudos to those friendly few who prefer to chat with a teller over using an ATM and direct deposit.

10 | "Can I borrow your calculator?"

Rare exception: if you're a high-schooler taking calculus.

11 | "Kids today."

If you follow this phrase with something derogatory, you'll be a walking stereotype! Oh, and speaking of those crazy kids: Here are 25 Things That Were Considered Scandalous 100 Years Ago But Are Totally Normal Now. 

12 | "I found some great photos for Throwback Thursday on Facebook!"

Throwback Thursdays began with widespread appeal. But more recently the average age of the people still using this hashtag with enthusiasm is increasingly getting up there.

13 | "The 90s were only ten years ago!"

Sorry, it's been almost two decades.

14 | "I'll call a cab."

It's an Uber or Lyft world, my friend.

15 | "I'm just going to rest my eyes for a minute."

Also: If you're having trouble with sleeping, here are 11 Doctor-Approved Secrets for Falling Asleep Faster—Tonight. 

16 | "I saw this great segment on 60 Minutes."

Yes, 60 Minutes is the new Matlock.

17 | "I know the newspaper delivery kid on a first name basis."

It's a good bet even little Steve owns a tablet.

18 | "I slept like a baby last night."

There's just something about this phrase that strikes us as lovably old-fashioned. Perhaps it was Bob Dole's use of it after losing the 1996 presidential race. (Either way, we just dated ourselves considerably with that reference.)

19 | "Hold on, I think I have exact change."

We dare you to find us a Millennial who carries pennies.

20 | "The machine."

When referring to a computer.

21 | "Can you print out this email?"

A classic baby boomer move.

22 | "I'll call the operator and get her number."

Otherwise known as the analog Siri.

23 | "I'm just going to stick with Windows 98. It works fine enough."

It's time for an upgrade, friend.

24 | "I'll make you a mixtape."

For the record: we think this is a way better and more personal gesture than simply sending a Spotify playlist over email. That said, it still screams "older person."

25 | "I remember when there wasn't so much swearing on TV."

"Ah, the Brady Bunch. Now that was good TV!"

26 | "Work hard and you'll get to the corner office!"

If only corner offices were still in abundance.

27 | "I just don't get selfies."

We hear you. But perhaps the "pasta selfie" will change your mind.

28 | "We have some leftovers in the ice box."

Of course, "iceboxes" started to fall out of fashion in the 1930s. But it's a delightful, throw-back affectation.

29 | "Why would I pay for water when I can get it for free out of the faucet?"

Said no young person ever.

30 | "I'm hip, right?"

If you have to ask...

31 | "Can I pay for this by check?"

Thanks to phones, even debit cards are becoming dated. So checks are officially two generations ago.

32 | "Thanks for asking."

Specifically when a bartender, waitress, or liquor store employee requests your ID before selling you alcohol. Gratefulness for being carded is not an emotion experienced by young people.

33 | "It sounds like a lot of noise to me."

When referring to, say, Daft Punk.

34 | "We sure are in a pickle."

Unless, of course, you're playing baseball.

35 | "Off my lawn before I hit you with this rake!"

You've officially become the cranky neighbor in the Dennis the Menace.

36 | "I almost forgot to print my boarding pass!"

Another thing made obsolete thanks to the smartphone.

37 | "I never use a credit card on the Internet."

But honestly, no one would blame you for this. Chalk one up to the older folks!

38 | "Time to schedule my annual colonoscopy."

It's a sign you're aging, for sure.

39 | "Let's hit the early-bird special"

It's not so much the whole buffet thing. It's the fact that you're probably eating dinner while so many people are at work.

40 | "I have some hard candy in my pocket."

If you've grown to enjoy the taste of caramel candies combined with pocket lint, I'm afraid it's official: You are no longer young.

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