81 Funny Responses to "How Are You?" (Online & In-Person!)

If you're about to get dragged into another boring conversation, then you've got to change course before things go too far. Surprising someone with a funny response to "How are you?" is one way to ensure their other inquiries remain somewhat interesting. We can all agree that small talk is—well—pretty unbearable. The least we can do is steer clear of "fine," "good," and other more mechanical responses out there. If you're running low on ways to keep your conversations exciting, be sure to keep reading. We've provided 81 funny responses to use when presented with this classic conversation starter.

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Funny Responses to "How Are You?"

1. Incredibly good looking, and you?
2. Things could be worse. I could be you.
3. Do you want the short version or the detailed version?
4. Incredible, fantastic, and stellar. Also, dead inside.
5. Dangerously close to being fabulous.
6. As fine as a maiden's flaxen hair.
7. Medium well.
8. They told me you would ask that!
9. About ready for a nap!
10. Compared to who?
11. Sober!
12. How much time do you have?
13. Oh, just trying not to burst into tears.
14. Nice and fine, like an expensive bottle of wine.
15. Still too early to tell.
16. As happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy.

Clever Responses to "How Are You?" Texts

17. Doing great. Hope this status quo persists for the rest of the day.
18. Currently having an amazing dream. But please, don't wake me up just yet (though, you can join me—there's plenty of room).
19. Overworked and underpaid.
20. Good, but I'll get over it!
21. Vertical and breathing.
22. Honestly, still trying to figure it out.
23. Better on the inside than I look on the outside.
24. Different day, same existence.
25. Living a life of emotional imbalance, suppressed rage, and denial.
26. My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.
27. I'm on silent mode today.
28. Under renovation.
29. Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Financially? How do I even answer that?
30. What's with the third degree? Are you a cop?
31. Worse than yesterday but better than tomorrow.
32. Could be better… could be payday.

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Flirty Responses to "How Are You?"

33. Getting better with each passing second.
34. I'm incredibly innocent and cute.
35. I love you?
36. A little busy, but do you want me to add you to my to-do list?
37. Oh good, you finally asked!
38. I could really go for a massage.
39. Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.
40. Just give me a hug and leave it at that.
41. Dangerously close to fabulous.
42. Man, you're so obsessed with me.
43. You mean in bed?
44. How am I?! Is that a pick-up line?
45. Better than I was a minute ago because you're here now.
46. I just met up with an old friend. He thinks I should date you.
47. Kinda bored. Want to come over?
48. Better now. Talking to you always makes me feel amazing.

Sarcastic Responses for When Someone Asks "How Are You?"

49. Your attempt at social interaction is hereby acknowledged.
50. A bit busy slaying dragons at the moment.
51. I'm 34, and I feel 104.
52. Like you, but better.
53. Still sucking air.
54. How am I… what?
55. I have no way of knowing.
56. Not so good, but I plan on lying at the press conference.
57. Word on the street is that I'm really good.
58. I am so great I have to sit on my hands to keep myself from clapping.
59. Living the dream… though half the time it seems more like a nightmare.
60. Great! My name wasn't in today's obituaries.
61. At minding my own business? Better than most people.
62. Great, but I should warn you that I am totally biased.
63. Surely dying.
64. If I had a tail, I would wag it.
65. What an impertinent question to ask someone.

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Witty Responses to "How Are You Doing Now?"

66. Such a long story.
67. I promised myself I would kill the next person who asked me that question, but I like you so I will let you live.
68. Mind your business.
69. Quite how, thank you.
70. How do I look?
71. On a scale of one to punching someone in the face, I'd say I'm a seven.
72. Next question, please.
73. Nice and dandy like cotton candy.
74. Pretty standard at the moment.
75. If I were any better, I'd be illegal.
76. Somewhere between better and best.
77. Just navigating the twists and turns of life and praying for a straight road.
78. Partly cloudy with a chance of a breakdown.
79. Just dancing along to the rhythm of life. It's too bad I'm tone deaf.
80. I'm just in survival mode. And you?
81. Currently dealing with a strange itch on my buttocks, but can't complain other than that.

What's the Best Way to Ask Someone How They Are?

OK, so you've got a bunch of hilarious responses locked and loaded for the next time someone asks how you're doing. But what are you doing to make sure the conversation stays interesting when it's your turn to engage?

Also, where are you planning to kick off the exchange? Because new research suggests that if it's not online, it's not going to go that deep.

According to a 2012 study presented at the American Association for Public Opinion Research, people are more likely to disclose sensitive information through text than they are over the phone or in person.

"We believe people give more precise answers via texting because there's just not the time pressure in a largely asynchronous mode like text that there is in phone interviews," said Fred Conrad, a cognitive psychologist and director of the Program in Survey Methodology at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research.

"It seems that texting may reduce some respondents' tendency to shade the truth or to present themselves in the best possible light," he adds.

Fortunately, opportunities to conduct things in this way are all around us. Between online dating, long-distance friendships, and family scattered around the world, there are plenty of instances where digital correspondence takes the place of interactions that unfold in the flesh. With that, maybe it's time we start celebrating the perks our "new normal" has brought along with it.

How to Keep the Conversation Flowing When Someone Asks "How Are You?"

Sometimes, a sarcastic response is all you need to throw into a conversation before calling it quits. Other times, it's important to extend the interaction. Read on for a few tips on how to keep things going.

Give them an honest answer.

The best responses are genuine responses. While we may not always want to talk about experiencing a tough time at home or struggling to maintain a healthy work-life balance, these subjects can bring us much closer to productive, lively exchanges.

Engage with them.

Providing a few fun responses is an easy way to entertain those involved in the conversation, but don't forget to shake things up by giving everyone else a turn to talk. If you get lost along the way, just exercise the IFR method.

The acronym stands for "Inquire, Follow-Up, Relate," and is often used by people in the workplace. And if it's good enough to be used on the job, you can bet it's good enough to use among your peers.

Don't offend anyone.

We all love to get a laugh, but it's important to ensure such responses don't offend. There are plenty of funny ways to kick off a conversation without alienating everyone around you. Use your common sense, and never forget to read the room.

Pay attention to their eye contact.

Wondering how someone is feeling about your witty response? Pay attention to what they're doing with their eyes. A paper published in Proceedings of the Natural Academy of Sciences suggests that eye contact is an important way to synchronize conversation among participants.

Of course, you don't want to overdo it. The authors note that occasionally breaking up the gaze can also help individuals access new and original thoughts to introduce into the conversation.

Wrapping Up

That's it for now, but be sure to check back in with us again soon. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on what's next!