We’ve all been there: Someone tells you to have a good flight, and without thinking, you reply, “You too,” even though they’re not traveling. Nearly everyone has said something they regret and put their foot in their mouth. Missteps in conversations happen and can result in cringeworthy moments. It’s normal, given how much we talk and communicate with others, but it doesn’t have to be a frequent thing. Learning what not to say can make a big difference and cut back on embarrassing comments. Here are things to steer clear of in conservations, according to Jenny Dreizen, modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry.
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1. Commenting on Someone's Weight
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Weight can be a sensitive subject, and Dreizen recommends avoiding it.
“We never know why, how, or from where people's bodies hold or lose weight,” she says. “When we comment on someone's weight, we don't know if they gained or lost in a happy, healthy way. If someone wants you to comment on their weight, they will often offer information, like telling you about their diet.”
2. Personal Attacks Played Off Like Jokes
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Being passive-aggressive is a surefire way to have an unpleasant encounter with someone. Saying things like, "You're always dropping stuff; you're so clumsy!" isn’t productive, Dreizen states.
“We generally want to lead with curiosity and empathy, and when we ‘joke’ in a way that attacks someone, it's kind of a conversation-stopper,” she adds. “Why would someone want to talk to you if you're making them the butt of the joke?”
3. Bringing Attention to Someone's Age When Not Appropriate
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Age can be another touchy subject, and there’s no reason to bring it up. "You don't mean she's your daughter; she's your granddaughter!" This is by far one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I brush most things off, but this one I relive,” Dreizen reveals. “I cannot to this date explain why I said it (and repeated it) to the man who owned the Greek restaurant we loved while he bounced a toddler on his hip. He was her dad, he was older -- and none of that was my business.”
4. I Don't Believe You
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Telling someone you don’t believe them can come across as rude and confrontational. It can also damage the relationship and make it hard to rebuild trust.
“When someone is telling us their lived experience, telling them you don't believe them is an instant conversation stopper (or it should be; why would anyone want to keep talking to you if you cannot even get curious about their lived experience),” Dreizen explains. “If you have reason to question their reported experience, try to tap into empathy and curiosity,” she says. “Ask them to tell you more, and really listen. Gently challenging someone is quite different than denying their truth.”
5. Assuming Someone’s Response in Conversation
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Making assumptions about people is a common thing, but it doesn’t mean it’s right. Assumptions can be destructive. Assuming you know how someone else thinks and feels without them telling you or knowing all the facts never works out because you’re only seeing things from your perspective and not valuing the other person.
“It can be hard to let our assumptions go when we're speaking to people—harder still when they're close relatives like spouses or siblings—but it's important not to cut off the conversation you want to flow with these assumptions,” says Dreizen. “Doing so puts your conversing partner on defense and forces them to pivot from hearing you to defending themselves.”
6. Commenting on Something Someone Can’t Change in the Moment
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According to Dreizen, commenting on something that a person can’t change, whether it’s temporary or permanent, isn’t nice.
"Did you know you're missing a piece of your left eyebrow?" "I don't like your haircut." "Has anyone ever told you your eyes aren't symmetrical?" She explains, “Telling someone they're missing a piece of their eyebrow might seem like kindness, but in the middle of a party - there's not much they can do about it (if this seems strangely specific, it's because I watched it happen once).”
She adds, “When we comment on peoples' appearances, even when it comes from a place of kindness - which is the only appropriate source -- we want to make sure the person can address the comment. If they cannot change/fix the thing you were about to comment on within 15 minutes, given their current resources, save it for a better moment.”
7. One-Upping
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A quick way to shut down a conversation is to one-up someone. This can leave the other person feeling devalued, emotionally distant, and resentful.
“I know we're all excited to share stories, but good conversation is about allowing each person's stories to have their moment to be heard and make an impact, says Dreizen. “There are many reasons why we want to share a comparable story with someone, but try to remember to give them their moment, take a beat and a breath, and respond to their story before launching into your own. Bonus: Your story will probably be way better received if you give your conversation partners some time to reverberate.”
8. Contradiction for the Sake of Contradiction
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Disputing everything someone says isn’t fun, but it will also make you look quarrelsome and could limit future interactions.
“Conversation is a form of improvisation, and the number one rule in improv is building using a ‘yes and…’ Dreizen explains. “Sometimes, we all get in the ‘no’ mode where we don't even realize we are shutting down the conversation. Try and take a breath—if you can't say ‘yes and…’ maybe you can at least say’"no, but…’. It will continue the flow of conversation while also pivoting to something you do want to discuss.”
