Therapist Reveals 3 Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist: “An Extremely Difficult Process”
Nearly half of first marriages will end in divorce, and that statistic is even more pronounced in second marriages, where divorce rates surpass 60 percent, according to Modern Family Law. Achieving an amicable divorce is much easier said than done, especially when you’re separating from someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. In a new TikTok video, licensed therapist Alana Nelson-Patnaude, LCSW, shares her three tips for divorcing a narcissist.
RELATED: I’m a Psychologist and These Are the 5 Telling Signs Someone Is a Narcissist.
The seven telltale signs of a narcissistic personality:
The narcissistic personality is comprised of seven core traits, according to Laura Bonk, MA, PLPC, a therapist at Heartland Therapy Connection. These include “lack of empathy, selfishness, deceit, manipulation, exploitation, entitlement, and a grandiose sense of self-importance,” she previously told Best Life.
As BL reported, “These tell-tale signs are often coupled with other red flags such as a superiority complex; being overly charming at the start of a relationship; having a thirst for compliments; gaslighting; and denying blame. Similarly, you may notice that they utilize deflection to control conversations, become aggressive during arguments, and frequently play the victim card.”
Although narcissism is rooted in grandiosity, these individuals are “frequent targets of ostracism,” reports a research paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. In fact, it’s not unusual for narcissists to feel overly sensitive, which might sound paradoxical. However, this can fuel feelings and actions of hostility towards others—including their spouses, or soon-to-be exes.
All of this to say: If you’re divorcing a narcissist, it’s important to lawyer up and prepare for what the other team might have up their sleeves.
RELATED: 6 Passive-Aggressive Comments That Mean Your Partner Wants to Break Up.
1
Hire a high-conflict divorce lawyer.
Divorcing a narcissist will be “an extremely difficult process,” warns Nelson-Patnaude. Moreover, “it will not matter if the divorce was your idea or theirs,” she adds. That’s why you must hire an experienced divorce lawyer, especially if children are involved.
“The trick is to hire a good attorney that’s capable of handling high-conflict divorces,” she advises.
2
Don’t fight back with your words.
Narcissists are known to be emotionally and psychologically abusive. As a result, your estranged partner may put forward statements that are threatening to your character, hurtful, and completely untrue.
“Expect your soon-to-be ex-spouse to say things about you that never happened,” says Nelson-Patnaude. According to the therapist, your strongest defense is to stay stoic, and most importantly, don’t retaliate.
“Your task is to never show them it’s getting to you. Their goal is to get you angry and upset, and therefore, appear unstable in the divorce process,” she explains.
3
Keep physical documentation of all messages.
Lastly, but perhaps most crucial: Keep physical proof of all communication between you and the other person. Nelson-Patnaude says there’s no reason why all your communication shouldn’t be done in writing, and not doing so will only hurt you in the long run.
“Ask your attorney how to best preserve the messages for court. These conversations could make all the difference in how you fare with the judge, and ultimately, in the outcome of your divorce,” she concludes.