8 Ways to Deal With a Controlling Parent So You Can Finally Be Free, Therapists Say

Toxic parents come in many forms. Some are vindictive. Some are self-centered. And some try to control your life. Having a controlling parent can take a significant toll on your self-confidence, and it can also make it harder for you to pursue your goals, dreams, and interests. Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist at One Life Counselling & Coaching, says having a controlling parent can not only limit your growth but also lead to feelings of failure, inadequacy, and helplessness.

"Over time, this can contribute to anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of identity as you struggle to develop a strong, independent sense of self," he explains.

According to Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder/CEO of Meridian Counseling, having a controlling parent may also make it challenging for you to form healthy adult relationships due to struggles with trust and assertiveness.

The good news is that there are steps you can take to limit the negative impact on your mental and emotional health. Here are therapists' top tips for dealing with a controlling parent.

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The first step to dealing with a controlling parent is to recognize their problematic habits.

"A controlling parent might try to interfere with your work or relationships or monitor your bank accounts or digital devices," says Fierheller. "They may have unrealistic expectations or standards, such as constant communication. They may even call the police when you're unreachable for a few hours or insist on attending job interviews with you."

According to Kushnir, controlling behavior often starts subtly—say, by making strong recommendations about who you should be friends with or putting down your clothing choices. This is how a controlling parent starts to break down your self-esteem and your trust in your ability to make good decisions without their guidance.

Once you can acknowledge that you have a controlling parent, the next step is to start establishing boundaries with consequences.ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

"Setting boundaries with a controlling parent involves clear communication and consistency," says Fierheller. "Start by identifying unacceptable behaviors and calmly express these limits to your parent."

For example, if your parent expects to be able to contact you while you're at work, you can try saying, "I understand you want to get in touch with me, but I don't have my phone out while I'm at my job, so I won't be reachable. If you try to call or text during my work hours, I won't be able to get back to you until I leave the office."

There's no guarantee that a controlling parent won't try to push back on your boundaries, but stay firm.

"Remind yourself that it's okay to prioritize your well-being, and you're not a bad person for putting yourself first," says Fierheller.

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"Learning to assert yourself is key in dealing with a controlling parent," says Kushnir. "This might involve calmly expressing your needs and desires, such as saying, 'I understand your viewpoint, but I prefer to handle this my way.'"

When your parent is exhibiting more straightforward controlling behavior, Kushnir recommends saying, "I really appreciate your concern and desire to help, but I need to make this decision on my own and am comfortable with whatever happens."

"This helps create emotional distance and reinforces your right to autonomy," she explains. "Assertiveness training can bolster your self-esteem and help you communicate more effectively without aggression."

If it helps, you might consider practicing your script on a friend before you confront your parent.

Small but meaningful habits like getting enough sleep, engaging in daily breathwork or meditation, or spending quality time with a friend can go a long way, says Kushnir.

"Prioritizing self-care activities can help mitigate the stress and emotional toll of dealing with a controlling parent," she tells Best Life. "Self-care fosters resilience and helps maintain your mental health."

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"Start taking small steps towards independence to build confidence and reduce the parent's control," advises Kushnir. "For example, making personal decisions about your daily routine or planning outings with friends without seeking approval can be empowering. Over time, these actions reinforce your ability to manage your life and make independent choices."

Fierheller suggests limiting your parent's involvement in your healthcare and finances.

"You might want to make sure your healthcare providers are aware that your parent is not able to access information about your health unless it's an emergency or make/change/cancel appointments on your behalf," he says. "Also, ensure that your bank account is only accessible to you. If you're unsure how to do this, ask a bank teller."

Jennifer Kelman, a licensed clinical social worker and JustAnswer therapist, says it's important to be mindful of just how much information you relay to a controlling parent.

"Sharing may not always be the best course because it can invite unwarranted opinions," she explains.

For example, if you know your parent is very particular about how you spend your money, you might keep a big recent purchase to yourself. Or, if they tend to get too involved in your relationships, they might not be the best person to vent to about your marriage problems.

Instead, experts say it's a good idea to build up the rest of your support system. If you maintain close friendships and/or relationships with other family members, you'll have plenty of other people to go to for advice and emotional support.

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Depending on your relationship with your parent and their willingness to take responsibility for their actions, you may want to communicate with them about how their behavior is affecting you.

"Their interference might be so natural to them that they may not even be aware of the negative impact," explains Kelman. "Talk about how their controlling habits make you feel rather than attacking them for their ways."

For instance, you might say: "Hey Mom, when you try to jump in and tell me how to handle something without me asking for help, it makes me feel like you don't think I'm capable or don't trust me. If I really need your guidance, I promise I'll ask for it." A statement like this is a lot less likely to put your parent on the defensive than, "You always tell me what to do, and I'm sick of it!"

Remember, though, that you don't need to confront your parent about every single instance of controlling behavior in the moment—in fact, trying to do so will likely only be emotionally exhausting for you. That's why Kelman recommends picking your battles.

"Pause, take a deep breath, and then choose if it's worth addressing this issue," says Kelman.

According to Fierheller, working with a therapist can be particularly useful if you're struggling to set boundaries with a controlling parent.

"Engaging with a therapist or joining a support group can provide a safe space to express your feelings and gain perspective," adds Kushnir. "For example, therapy sessions can help you explore the roots of your relationship dynamics and develop coping strategies. External support systems are essential for validating your experiences and reducing feelings of isolation."

If your parent is willing to go to therapy with you, Kelman also suggests looking for a mental health provider who specializes in family dynamics. In family therapy, you and your parent will have a neutral space to unpack any ongoing issues, heal your wounds, and get unbiased advice from a professional on how to develop greater trust and respect in your relationship.

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