The most feared question for anyone in a relationship is probably, "Can we talk?" Whether you're the one asking the question or being asked it, it immediately elicits dread about the conversation that's to come. But as anyone who's ever been in a relationship knows, healthy communication is key for success, whether it's talking about the details of your day or a challenging conversation about finances. And one of the most important discussions to have with your partner is about your sex life. How often a couple should be having sex may be up for debate, but according to experts, chances are high that, at the very least, you're not even talking about it enough. And now, they have the data to prove it. Read on to find out how often you should be talking about sex, and for the words to keep out of the bedroom, check out The Worst Thing You Could Say to Someone in Bed.
A recent survey from sex toy company Lovehoney found that almost half of opposite-sex couples (44 percent) discuss their sex life at least once a week, while only 25 percent of same-sex couples report the same. However, this changes with age. The survey found that more than half of 35 to 54 year olds communicate weekly about sex, while just over a third of 18 to 24 year olds say they only chat about their sex life once or twice a year. It turns out, the older crowd has it right.
While it might be challenging to bring up conversations surrounding sex at first, it will benefit you in the long run. According to the survey, two-thirds of people reported that having open discussions about their desires led to more satisfying sexual experiences.
"It's important to talk to your partner often about your sex life because how sexually satisfied you are with your partner greatly impacts your relationship and overall quality of life," says Lovehoney sex expert Zachary Zane. "When you're sexually unsatisfied, you're likely not happy. You may then harbor some resentment towards your partner or start looking for extra-marital affairs. For many couples, sex—especially at the beginning of the relationship—is the glue that holds them together."
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Although broaching the topic of sex weekly may sound daunting, it doesn't have to be a huge deal each time. "It's important to remember that these talks don't need to be full-on 30-minute conversations every time," says Zane. He says most weeks can just be a quick check-in to see if your partner is sexually satisfied and enjoying the frequency at which you're having sex. If the answers to these questions are yes, Zane suggests sticking to what you're doing. "You don't need to belabor any point if you're both feeling sexually fulfilled," he explains. However, if the answers are lukewarm, then it merits a more in-depth conversation.
To get the conversation going, Zane suggests bringing it up during a sexually neutral period, "not directly before or after sex."
"Often, it's good to bring up an article or something you watched as a point of entry," he says. Zane suggests phrasing it along the lines of, "I was reading this article about sexual desires and was wondering if there's anything you'd want to explore sexually in bed?"
Even if your partner is not interested in the specific entry topic, it allows you to extend the conversation and discuss anything you might like to do differently. "From there, you can open up the conversation to sexual satisfaction, frequency, and anything else that has to do with your sex life," he notes.
The truth is, the key to good sex is "healthy open, honest, straight-talking communication," family and relationship psychotherapistFran Walfish, PsyD, previously told Best Life.
And, as sexologist Jordin Wiggins, ND, added, "Bad sex highlights the communication breakdowns that are common in relationships."
Having a weekly check-in about sexual satisfaction with your partner can help prevent any budding resentment from bubbling over into other aspects of your relationship and ensures you are both content. And for more insight on what can get you the most action, check out Men With These 3 Personality Traits Have the Most Sex, Study Shows.
