There are a few reasons you might be interested in a friends-with-benefits relationship. Maybe, the relationship setup was suggested to you by an existing or potential friend, or perhaps you’re the one recommending it to someone in your life. Regardless of why you’re researching the arrangement, there are a few things relationship experts want you to know. Keep reading to learn their best tips on how to make a friends-with-benefits relationship work and the pros and cons of starting one in the first place. These relationships are different in real life than you see in the movies, and you’ll want to listen up!
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What Does It Mean to Be Friends With Benefits?
Friends with benefits is a lot like what it sounds: People who are friends with each other first, but also benefit from frequent or occasional intimate encounters. Because each relationship is different, there are a million ways this type of arrangement can work—and none is better or worse than the other unless the parties involved are not setting or abiding by clear boundaries (more on those later!).
Friends With Benefits vs. Dating: What's the Difference?
The only way to get on the same page about the trajectory of your relationship is by having an open and honest conversation about it with your partner. However, by most peoples’ understanding, a friends-with-benefits relationship is no strings attached—meaning you aren’t on the path toward developing a monogamous or long-term relationship.
When you are dating someone, that relationship may develop into a long-term relationship, depending on how each person feels and what they are looking for from each other.
RELATED: 5 Subtle Signs That Someone Finds You Attractive.
Pros of Having a Friends-With-Benefits Relationship
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You can enjoy a low-pressure relationship.
Relationships don’t have to be all or nothing. “Being attracted to someone and enjoying their company doesn't automatically make them a good candidate for life partnership,” says Ally Iseman, relationship coach and non-monogamy expert. “FWB dynamics acknowledge this and allow a structure for you to enjoy all there is to enjoy out of a connection without imposing unnecessary and unrealistic ‘relationship escalator’ pressure on it that it may not be suited for.”
You know exactly who you’re involved with.
That's the benefit of getting it on with an existing pal. “Having the availability of consistent sex with the familiarity and comfort of a close friend can feel much more satisfying and safer than an endless rotating lineup of strangers,” says Iseman.
You gain companionship.
Companionship is another key benefit of being friends with the person you’re intimate with. “It could be a good situation for someone who may not have the emotional bandwidth to make a more serious commitment due to current life circumstances or their own emotional well-being,” says Marissa Jaacobi, LCSW, founder of Full Circle Psychotherapy.
You can skip the first dates.
Finding someone you like—even if you’re not looking for anything serious—can cost you time and money. “A friend with benefits can help alleviate the unnecessary sexual pressure from any first dates and/or help you blow off any steam from unrequited encounters,” says Iseman.
You get to explore your sexuality.
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By not limiting yourself to one person exclusively, you can do some ethical exploration. "A friends-with-benefits situation may enhance one's sexual confidence and understanding through exploring physical desires in a safe and mutually consensual environment,” says Kristie Tse, LMHC, founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling.
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Cons of Having a Friends-With-Benefits Relationship
Feelings are on the line.
Almost every relationship expert we chatted with raised the same concern about friends with benefits.
“People need to be very, very honest with themselves if they want to make this kind of arrangement work,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Biird and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject. “If one person would rather be in a relationship but is settling for a situationship, one or both people are likely going to get hurt—especially if they allow their minds to fool them into thinking that maybe being friends with benefits is the first step toward a relationship.”
It could hinder your friendship.
If your FWB goes off the rails, your actual friendship may be on the line, too.
“Even people who think their friendship is uncomplicated will realize that when sex gets involved, a lot of feelings start to come up, and the friendship gets challenged,” says Weiss. “If you want to keep things simple and ensure that the friendship lasts, I’d recommend just staying friends and finding someone you’re not already friends with—like someone on a dating app—to become your friend with benefits.”
That way, there’s a lot less at stake.
It could impact the friend group.
Your FWB may also be part of a larger friend group, which could experience turmoil if the setup fails. “Situations can feel awkward in a group if something goes sideways with the two people,” says psychotherapistPreston Herdt, LMFT.
Some members of the group may feel the need to take sides, or the general vibe could turn sour if two friends are no longer talking anymore.
You may miss out on other relationships.
The effort involved in maintaining your friends-with-benefits arrangements could prevent you from meeting others.
“Clear boundaries and limits on time need to be set to make sure that your time with your FWB(s) doesn't cut into your dating time if you're looking to meet someone(s) for a relationship with more depth and growth potential,” says Iseman.
You may experience judgment from others.
Not everyone takes kindly to relationships that go against the norm, and tuning out the noise can often be more challenging than you think.
“Pressures and judgments from outside sources like other friends, family, and society at large may cause you and/or your FWB to question whether it ‘should’ be turning into something else or something more rather than checking in with whether or not that's something you both actually want,” says Iseman.
You’re potentially prolonging a breakup.
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“Sometimes, I see people break up and then become ‘friends with benefits’ because just saying goodbye feels too hard,” says Weiss. “This stops you from actually getting over each other, moving on, and becoming available to others because it feels basically like you’re still dating.”
This is another situation where you need to be honest with yourself about your intentions.
RELATED: "Breadcrumbing" Is a Toxic Dating Trend on the Rise—How to Spot It in Your Relationship.
How to Make a Friends With Benefits Relationship Work for Me
Start with a real friendship.
This key element sometimes gets forgotten: “For FWB dynamics to succeed and be mutually beneficial, net-positive experiences, the F is the key element—they must be real friends, with a real friendship, who hold mutual respect and care for each other's well being and also possess and practice effective communication skills,” says Iseman.
Set boundaries.
These are your most important tools in any relationship. “It's important to have clear boundaries and an exit plan before the friendship becomes sexual, and this needs to be discussed in a respectful way so that everything is on the table and nothing is hidden,” says relationship and breakup expertAngelika Koch. “This also allows both people to understand what the expectations are.”
Decide what type of friends with benefits you are.
“Do you always have sex when you hang out? What other things do you do together? What don't you do together? Do you have other FWBs, and do you meet each other's other FWBs? How do you introduce each other at events? How often do you see each other?” poses Iseman.
You’ll want to establish these things early; you can incorporate them into your conversation about boundaries.
Check in with each other.
One single conversation isn’t enough to guide your entire relationship. “Both parties need to regularly check in with each other about their feelings to ensure the agreement still suits them,” advises Tse. “Being honest about any changes in emotions can prevent misunderstandings and resentment.”
Break things off if or when that’s needed.
Finally, you’ll need to recognize that your FWB probably isn’t a lifelong setup. “The arrangement may need to end if it stops being fulfilling for either person,” says Tse. “Prioritizing mutual respect and care will help maintain the integrity of both the friendship and the benefits.”
Conclusion
Deciding to begin a friends-with-benefits relationship is a highly personal decision. You’ll need to be honest with yourself and your potential friend about the boundaries of your relationship. For more advice, visit Best Life again soon.
