The 30 Hardest Things About Becoming an Empty Nester
Yes, there is such a thing as feeling like your house is too quiet.
After 18 years of assembling school projects, scrubbing crayon marks off the walls, and enforcing curfews, many parents find themselves counting down the days until their children embark on their own adult lives. However, what many learn once their kids fly the coop is that things aren't always as rosy as they'd imagined. From mental health issues to retirement woes, read on to discover the downsides of being an empty nester.
You might find yourself plagued by fear.
Having your kids leave home is an undeniably big change—and, as is the case with any major change, fear may not be far behind. "You're afraid because the person or people you're used to having in your life are gone," says marriage and family therapist Patrick Tully.
"The good news is, you're not alone," he says. "It's scary to have a significant change occur. It's difficult emotionally since for years we've had children in the house and molded our lives with that dynamic. But remember that this feeling of fear is temporary."
You feel drained after everyday activities.
Without your kids to motivate you, you may find that your daily activities feel like a serious slog. "Many people find themselves feeling empty day-after-day because they've grown accustomed to talking to their children or doing activities that involve them in some way," says Tully.
You may feel as though you've lost your purpose.
"Many women adopt the primary identity of 'mother' or 'nurturer' and often feel lost or without purpose when their kids grow up and move out of the house," says licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor Dea Dean.
Her suggestion? "During this shift, it's important for these women to explore their passions and interests and define what it is they want their impact in the world to be and how they want to be remembered by the people around them."
You may long for the days when your kids still depended on you.
You may love knowing that your kids have become capable adults under your guidance—but there may be a sense of loss there if you no longer feel like you're needed in the same way.
"[Parents] whose children are grown and successful should be very proud, but there's often grief, too," says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty. "They have to mourn the loss of dependent children and view their children anew as fellow adults."
You may find yourself less healthy than you were before.
While you likely got less sleep and ate more microwavable meals while your kids were still under your roof, having an empty nest could actually make you less healthy. According to a 2017 German review of research in SOEPpapers on Multidisciplinary Panel Data Research, 51 percent of empty nesters considered themselves to be in satisfactory or less-than-satisfactory health, compared to just 40 percent of non-empty nesters.
And you might have less time to shed those extra pounds than you'd hoped.
Think you'll have a ton of time—and incentive—to hit the gym and make healthy meals when your kids are out of the house? Think again. According to a 2016 empty nest report from AARP, while 25 percent of soon-to-be empty nesters said they intended to lose weight, just 7 percent were actually able to do so.
You may find it more difficult to make that big career change than you'd expected.
While many empty nesters may see themselves switching careers after their kids have left home, actually making that move is easier said than done. According to AARP's survey, while 9 percent of the empty nesters polled said they intended to switch things up career-wise, just 3 percent actually made that leap.
Resentments may begin to crop up with your partner.
While you might assume that your relationship with your spouse will improve without the stress of kids at home, that's not always the case. On the contrary, it is quite commonplace for couples to experience a strain on their relationship, as issues previously hidden below the surface are brought to light.
"I see empty nest couples struggle with their relationships and often times divorce at this stage of life," says certified divorce coach Angela Ianuale Shanerman. "The relationship is now faced with a new dynamic of just the two people instead of all the family care-taking and those distractions. If there is not a solid foundation and clear communication, many times one person is unfulfilled and resentment begins to build."
You and your spouse are more likely to cheat.
While it may seem like cheating would be a more common occurrence among younger people, empty nesters actually have surprisingly high rates of infidelity. According to a survey from Ashley Madison, a website for people seeking affairs, 50 percent of unfaithful spouses polled said that they joined the site after one of their kids left home.
You may find yourself getting divorced.
For parents, raising children is a huge incentive to stay together. Therefore, when the final kid flies the coop, many couples find that they have to reevaluate their relationship—or risk getting a divorce.
"A surprising number of couples split up soon after their last child has gone to college," says California-based family attorney Julian Fox. "In fact, divorce rates are down overall, but are growing among people over the age of 55. Just as having a baby changes your relationship, having those 'babies' move on will also alter the dynamic."
You might feel as though you don't have opportunities to connect with others.
The structure associated with your kids' schedules kept you busy throughout the day—and connections with other parents came easily. But when your kids have left home, you may feel like you've lost a major component of your social life overnight. "Issues [that] can plague empty nesters are lack of purpose and [fewer] connections," says licensed therapist Darlene Corbett.
However, trying to strike up new friendships and pursue new hobbies can help mitigate some of those feelings in no time.
You may feel a serious sense of loss.
While some people act like having an empty nest will undoubtedly be a net positive, the reality is that many parents find themselves seriously struggling once their children move away for good.
"If the mom was overly attached and overprotective, for instance, that mother is going to feel an emotional emptiness that is very painful," says Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors and CBS.
You may experience a loss of self-esteem.
You should be celebrating the fact that you raised a human being who's made it to adulthood in one piece, but you find yourself feeling worse about yourself because of it—what gives?
"Self-esteem is the result of our perception of genuine success. As parents put so much time and energy into their children, they often define themselves by their children's successes," explains licensed psychologist Dr. Tamar Blank, Psy.D. "When children grow and leave the home, it can be challenging for a parent to redefine how they view their own success and consequently view themselves."
You'll start to feel guilty.
For some parents, suddenly not having their children at home causes them to reevaluate and scrutinize their every action, so much so that they become racked with guilt over how they once treated their kids. "If the [parent] was critical with a short fuse temper, [they] might feel guilty and unresolved when their [kid] leaves," says Walfish.
You might find yourself less satisfied with your life as a whole.
According to the aforementioned 2017 German study, while more than 17 percent of pre-empty nesters rated their happiness at a 9 or 10 out of 10, fewer than 11 percent of empty nesters said the same.
You may find yourself struggling with depression.
It may be more than just a case of boredom you're saddled with when your kids leave home. According to a 2017 cross-sectional study published in BMJ Open, rural empty nesters had more severe loneliness and depression than those whose children had not yet left home.
You may find your retirement vision at odds with your spouse's.
You and your spouse may have had seemingly endless discussions about how you'd spend your retirement once the kids left home, but once you're an empty nester, you might discover that you're no longer on the same page.
"You may have both dreamed of retirement, but your dream may be your spouse's nightmare," says licensed clinical professional counselor and certified Imago relationship therapist Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, co-founder of the Marriage Restoration Project. "After years of working hard, you may want to spend your retirement leisurely, sleeping in late, playing cards with your friends or watching TV. Your spouse may have been eagerly awaiting the time when he/she can finally focus time on hobbies and community service. When those visions conflict, tension can arise."
You find yourself confounded by your role reversal.
With no kids to take care of, you and your spouse may discover that you're stepping on one another's toes by taking on new roles in the home.
"What happens when your husband begins to take over your kitchen? What if your wife decides she is going to manage the finances?" asks Slatkin, who says that empty nesters—especially those who have retired— may find themselves confused by their new roles at home.
"This is especially the case if one spouse was used to being the provider and now shares a home that was under the dominion of the other spouse. Who is the boss? Are responsibilities now shared? There may be the expectation that if one spouse suddenly now has time on their hands that he/she should shoulder more of the burden of household chores. Know that it may take time to transition into a setup that is optimal for both parties involved."
You may still be spending more than you'd thought on housing.
The USDA reports that the average cost to raise a child up until age 17 is $233,610—with 29 percent of that budget spent on housing. But your costs are unlikely to diminish significantly when your kids leave home. On the contrary, according to a Tapestry Segmentation report, adults whose children had left home spent 9 percent more on housing than the average American.
And your food budget may still surprise you.
Though you may not have to buy bulk-sized bags of snack foods to keep up with your hungry teenagers, your food budget may not shrink significantly, either. According to the Tapestry Segmentation report, middle-class empty nesters spent 8 percent more on food than the average American.
You may not increase your savings as much as you'd think.
As a young parent, you likely imagined stashing away tons of cash for a vacation home once you didn't have to spend money on things like toys and school supplies. However, for many empty nesters, that turns out to be more of a dream than a reality. According to a 2015 study conducted by the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College, empty nester households only increased their 401(K) savings by 0.3 to 0.7 percent when their kids left home—and that's hardly enough to buy a steak dinner every month, let alone a beach house in Boca Raton.
And you might find yourself spending more on indulgences.
Not only will your savings account barely grow after your kids move out, but you might also find yourself indulging more than you did when your children were home. According to the same report from the Center for Retirement Research, per capita spending actually increases among empty nesters, meaning there's simply not as much money left over.
You may even have to spend significantly on your kids.
Empty nesters aren't just indulging their own financial whims once their kids leave; many are still footing the bill for their children. In fact, according to a 2015 survey from the Pew Research Center, 61 percent of U.S. parents polled admitted to helping out their adult children financially in the past year.
You'll probably still be paying your mortgage off.
It's nice to imagine that your home will be 100 percent yours by the time your kids have moved out. For most Americans, however, that's not the case. A 2017 analysis from Zillow found that the number of empty nests carrying a mortgage has risen significantly since 2005, up from 36.8 percent to 43.7 percent in 2015.
You may not travel as much as you expected.
Though you might have imagined your post-child-rearing years to be spent flying around the world, most empty nesters find that they don't have nearly enough time or funds for never-ending vacations. According to the AARP report, 48 percent of soon-to-be empty nesters said they planned to travel more, but just 27 percent actually did.
You might not have as much time for hobbies as you anticipated.
That needlepoint or knitting you'd hoped to master may have to stay on the back burner indefinitely. Though 36 percent of empty nesters polled by AARP said they were planning on taking up a new hobby, just 13 percent followed through.
You might still tackle parenting tasks in your kids' absence.
Even once your kids are out of your home, you may still find yourself saddled with more parenting tasks than you'd expected. A 2002 study on maternal mental health published in the Tzu Chi Nursing Journal found that some mothers still cooked for their children as a means of coping once they'd left home. Old habits die hard!
The quiet in your home can become deafening.
Though you might currently be eager to put the not-so-dulcet tones of slamming doors behind you, the silence you encounter as an empty nester may not actually be a welcome replacement.
"As an empty nester, one of the things that will surprise you is the quiet," says certified mental health expert and family care specialist Adina Mahalli, MSW. "I don't just mean the quiet that comes from fewer people talking together at a meal. I'm also referring to quiet throughout the whole house—the television and washing machine running less, no doors slamming, no noise of footsteps overhead. It's a hard thing to adjust to."
You may become preoccupied with your kids' safety.
Just because your kids are technically adults doesn't mean you'll stop worrying about them once they've left the nest. In the Tzu Chi Nursing Journal research, concern for a child's safety was a major issue and stressor among the empty nesters surveyed.
You might worry they'll move back in.
According to AARP's survey, many empty nesters found themselves frequently—and understandably—worrying about the well-being of their children after they left the house. But what they might not have expected was that 76 percent of those folks found they had yet another worry to contend with over time: the fear that those adult children would eventually move back in. And once your own kids have left home, it's time to tackle these 40 Life Changes You Should Make After 40.
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